Why can't I let past hurts go?
I am a 31 year old female. I realize that things could always be worse and that other people have far worse problems than mine but here goes:
I have always been overweight, even as a small child. Growing up, I was of course picked on at school. But I also got it at home. My dad used to give me a "look" whenever I would fix something to eat at home. He also called me a litany of horrible names, told me that he would buy me a new car if I lost weight, one time he even got his friends (!!!) to make fun of me. I mean, it was really devastating. My mother used to tell him to stop it and get angry but she never really stood up for me the way I would have if the roles were reversed.
Since I have grown up, I realize that my dad was constantly picked on about his weight by his family growing up and even had an eating disorder while I was growing up. (bulimia) He says he is so sorry for the way he treated me and I forgive him, sort of. But sometimes I think about how this has affected my relationships with men. I had an alcohol problem in my twenties and did a lot of things I regret. I think I was so starved for affection, I let men take advantage of me. I realize that it was my fault for putting myself in those kind of situations.
I no longer drink but I am pretty much a recluse since I stopped drinking. I don't really have any friends, I don't really like my job, I have never ever had a serious relationship with a man that loved me.
I have no direction in my life. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel there is so much hurt inside of me that if I started crying I would never stop, so I don't cry. I don't do much of anything besides go to work and go home. I act like I am okay but I'm really not. I don't know what to do with myself. I am on medication for depression but I don't know if it working like it is supposed to. I just don't know what to do, or how to even begin to let go of all of this hurt and anger.