What do I do now?

by Heart Broken
(middle of nowhere, ca)

I'm 28 years old. I found out end of last year that I will not be able to have children on my own or possibly not at all, due to my severe endometriosis. I went through several surgeries and the IVF earlier this year. Spent more than 15K (which I've had to borrow and pay back), and it didn't work. I don't have the money to try again, nor do I feel I could emotionally handle it again. My whole life up till now has been a road that I've paved to start this life with a husband and children. I got my bachelors degree with no real intent or a goal to really have a career. I did it because what else do you do when you're a young adult, and to make my parents happy. But all the while, I know I would be a mother and that would be my career.

My husband and I moved out of our apartment about 3 years ago, and bought a home, because we were ready to start a family. Even the cars that we have was carefully thought about in regards to having children. So needless to say, I'm completely devastated. I tried the therapy thing (at my mothers request), but I didn't last long. One, it was too expensive and two, I just didn't feel like hearing that cliched BS.
I've tried to cope by trying to change my ideals. I still haven't figure out how to shake the motherhood idea, but I'm working on it. Like I said, I've spent my life preparing myself to be a mother. So now I do exactly the opposite. I go out a lot with my friends (the one's with no children, of course) to clubs and bars.

I can't stand being at home for more than a few hours. I have to have something to look forward to or I found that I get anxious. And I've started smoking and drinking. I mean.. why not, right? Taking care of my body really didn't do me any good. So why hold back now?

Of course, I have a hard time being around children, and pregnant people. I have a sister in law, that I avoid at all cost. She’s very fertile and has had 5 accidental pregnancies. I can admit that I’m jealous, but I don’t think that can be helped.
I started a journal because I thought it might help to put my feelings down on paper. But it just turned into a suicidal novel. I don’t think it’s helping.
Not very many people know of my condition or what’s going with me. The only 4 people that know are my husband, my mother, and 2 of my friends. the only reason why my 2 friends knows is because one had to take and pick me up from one of my last minute surgeries I had before the IVF. And the other is a nurse who had to administer the multiple shots I had to have preparing me for the IVF. Oh... and I forgot about my father in law. He knows because after I got the news the IVF didn’t work, I went missing for almost 48hrs and my husband was getting advice on filing a missing person report. My father in law is a cop. But he claims he told him not to tell anyone about what’s going on. But I play it cool around them. Try not to show that this is killing me. I don't want eyes on me or the constant questions.

I'm having a really hard time being around my husband. This whole situation just doesn't seem to affect him like its affected me. He says he wants children. When we first found out that the IVF didn't work he seemed upset, but then that was it, and he never talks about it. I'm always the one that's forced to bring it up (when we get a bill in the mail that we can't pay) and try to have a discussion about it.

I've shared with him, and only him, that I'm suicidal, and he just doesn't do anything. I have my break downs from time to time (which is becoming more often), and all he does is help me clean up the mess, then goes and watches tv or goes to bed. I honestly don't know what I expect him to do? All I know is that I hate my life, and I'm starting to hate him.

Do I still want children? Yes, and I hate that feeling. To want something that should be a natural thing to have, but its not natural for you, and you possible can't have it, is.... I don't even have the words.