by Art

I've had problems with depression since i was a kid. Almost every summer since the 5th grade Ive slipped into anxiety filled depression. It would always pass eventually and I'd be able to move on until the following year. But now at 26 I've found that it's becoming a crippling problem.

Theres also the issue of my general lack of direction and motivation. I've never had any meaningful goals in my life. I've never been able to look to the future and see anything on the horizon. I was a relatively bright kid and capable student, my parents and teachers always had high hopes for me. I feel like Ive let them all down.

I make very little money operating machinery at a job I can tolerate. Worse yet my partner of 7 years shared those same hopes for me. Being a highly motivated and tenacious career woman she's already starting school to get her 2nd degree. At the same time shes seen my halfhearted attempt to go to jr college and my failed career as a truck driver. She's fed up with watching me waste my youth and potential. I'd love to say "This is my dream. And this is how im going to achieve it" but theres simply nothing there. We've talked about my issues with my lack of confidence and motivation. At this point they sound to her like hollow excuses. And i dont blame her. I feel like I've been playing that tiny violin for a long time. These problems have cost me a huge chunk of my youth and are threatening my relationship.

I want to be better. But with each passing day i feel like im only getting worse and that window of possibility is closing more and more.

Comments for Wandering

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by: Anonymous

There are many people facing what you are dealing with and perhaps a good counsellor could help you find a way. You have to find out who you are and you have to note down what you enjoy doing and what you are good at, because we are all good at something but have never found it out.
There are times when the people who are close to you are not the best people to help you especially if they have never seen the real you. Take time out to do some exploring and I am sure the answer will finally come.

Its possible that.......
by: Anonymous

Hi Art, At first reading your article, it did not make sense that you had no motivation in your life, when there are people around you encouraging you.
Then there's your depression since 5th grade. There has to be a pattern here. So every Summer, you get depressed. Is this because you're anxious about exams, and living up to your parents expectations of you?
Then you say your girlfriend is highly motivated,and disappointed in you not doing better? Have you thought perhaps that you are one of those people that is not a high achiever? There are lots of us that aren't, and are just happy to live their lives the way THEY want. Sit there and think what you want from your life. Most people don't stand still long enough to even think. You seem to have gone along with what people want from you, instead of pleasing yourself.
Depressions do not keep reoccuring for no reason at all. If I know anything, my depressions kept coming back because I had not addressed the underlying problem.
It has to be among some of these things. Unless something happened years earlier, that you have forgotten about, try going back to something that might have triggered this all off. Otherwise, the answer must be in there somewhere.
I do hope you get an answer to this,it would be terrible to waste your life with no motivation, good luck!

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