Wandering

by Art
(Ca)

I've had problems with depression since i was a kid. Almost every summer since the 5th grade Ive slipped into anxiety filled depression. It would always pass eventually and I'd be able to move on until the following year. But now at 26 I've found that it's becoming a crippling problem.

Theres also the issue of my general lack of direction and motivation. I've never had any meaningful goals in my life. I've never been able to look to the future and see anything on the horizon. I was a relatively bright kid and capable student, my parents and teachers always had high hopes for me. I feel like Ive let them all down.

I make very little money operating machinery at a job I can tolerate. Worse yet my partner of 7 years shared those same hopes for me. Being a highly motivated and tenacious career woman she's already starting school to get her 2nd degree. At the same time shes seen my halfhearted attempt to go to jr college and my failed career as a truck driver. She's fed up with watching me waste my youth and potential. I'd love to say "This is my dream. And this is how im going to achieve it" but theres simply nothing there. We've talked about my issues with my lack of confidence and motivation. At this point they sound to her like hollow excuses. And i dont blame her. I feel like I've been playing that tiny violin for a long time. These problems have cost me a huge chunk of my youth and are threatening my relationship.

I want to be better. But with each passing day i feel like im only getting worse and that window of possibility is closing more and more.