Those Rather Uncomfortable Memories

by Elizabeth

There are times when we are doing mundane jobs which do not require much concentration we find ourselves going back over the past. Memories, good, and some bad, pop up in our mind.

We have moved on since those particular incidents but they are still just as sharp as they were at the time they happened. The emotions we felt at the time of the occurrence are not what we would feel now we have had the chance to look back, but they may still hurt or smart, in unguarded moments.

The lost job, the marriage break up, the friendship that went sour, the let down, when someone you trusted, betrayed you, and your life was changed forever. There was the scandal when a family member was found to be dishonest, or they let you down over the non payment of bills.

In the above cases you often find that it is outsiders who come in and help rather than former friends.

A typical occurrence was when you decided to call on someone you had known before and then found that they rebuffed you. You thought that you had a good relationship with this person in the past. Time had moved on, and they had other things to think about.

Some acquaintances are just ships that pass in the night and they are better let go. The connection was just not there, the circumstances which brought you together had passed, and there was nothing in common.

This may have made you feel that it was not worth trying to keep in touch with people, and then withdraw from other human contact.

Why is that we remember the bad things that happened to us, and often forget those who brought us happiness?

The adverse events have left a scar on our persona, and it may take some effort to see them for what they are. There are feelings of humiliation as well, when we feel we could have done a lot better, or else taken steps to avoid what happened. We castigate ourselves for our foolishness, and lack of foresight.

What we must remember is that we were younger at that time, and that looking back in hindsight, we have gathered experience, and got that much older.

In the case of childhood we were not old enough to be able to deal in an adult way with the situation

Some adults make comparisons between children, and personal remarks which are hurting. They make a fuss of a new baby forgetting an older child who is just coming to terms with the interloper. What they may have done is to start a family enmity which could last for years.

We cannot alter the past, but we can look at it in a way that we have learnt something from it, and that we would not allow it to happen again.

Maybe we may need counselling to be able to put it at rest. Counselling does not help every case, and we may have to explore other options. Drug therapy of any kind is not advisable, it may temporarily damp down the trauma and hurt.

One must look at what happened and come to terms with it. This will involve looking at the memory in hindsight, feeling the emotion which came with it, and dealing with it, so that you can walk away from it, knowing that it will not come up to disturb you again in quiet moments.

Today pondering, while listening to some CDs a friend had given me, I was thinking of a broken friendship with some people who in the past had helped me, and for some years they were like part of my family. I was upset in the end, when they stopped me from visiting them, and it hurt, although I was at fault in some ways. I had depended on them too much.

Even now, and they have been passed over a while, this memory has come back and hurt, when I have looked at it at the stage I was then. Then it was as though I heard a little voice, and it said, "Look at what you have now." I realised that I had moved on, and was older.

Of course, I had seen it from years later, and been able to look at it detachedly but when the memory came up, it had stung, and I felt the feeling of loss that I had then.

I am not now the vulnerable person who had no sense of where I was going, and not able to forge ahead, and try new pathways, that came later on.

After many years I found my place and my sense of belonging, without depending on one or two people only.

Looking back, there have been many happy memories of places and events which I should try to remember a bit more.