Self-pity and depression have consumed me

by Genny
(Philippines)

I don't know if i have the right to feel this way but i have been like this for almost a year now. I am a 23 years old, a registered Nurse. I feel so depressed, demotivated and my self-esteem as well as my self-confidence have all been hanging barely in a thread.

I avoided my friends as well as those who knew me because of the fear that they might judge me or what. I would say that this is the darkest phase of my life right now. But way back in college, I was so full of hope, enthusiastic and outgoing, now i am the total opposite of the person i was before. I can find a job that relates to my profession. It's been a year now that i am looking for job. I attended interviews and even relocated to find a better opportunity but they all seemed bleak and there are no results from my effort.

I did volunteer job for 15 months and although it is impractical, i was forced to do it mainly for the fact that i don't want to allow myself to wallow in pity and have something to be busied of. After my volunteer job, i went to another place in search for better opportunity but i came back home defeated and tired and sick of travelling with no satisfying result. Now, i'm beginning to question my existence. I don't want to go out because i can seem to enjoy myself even amidst the cheery environment with my friends. I stay at home and all the more i feel so depressed because of my overbearing, domineering, strict and uncommunicative, distant aunt who was my guardian for as long as i can remember. Her constant nagging and belittling have further shrunk me into my shell.

I am afraid to go to family reunions for the fear that my relatives may judge me. God knows how hard it is how to find a decent job with my profession here. I even got to the point in which i cursed my course. Life is unfair, it really never is.

Whenever I look at those other people who are happy, i am even more depressed and wondering if i could experience a kind of happiness that is not so shallow. I am basically alone. I never lived with my parents, i am with my uncommunicative and uneffectionate aunt. My days would go by unnoticed because i am just always staying in my bedroom, too depressed and depleted of energy even to think of my future. I hope there's something that could be done in my circumstance. I'd really appreciate whatever words you have for me guys.