Self confidence issues

by James
(West Mids, England)

I dont know how to start this off...

I have known to be picked on for my funny tempers in primary school, and was easily made fun of due to my height as I am still to this day small in height (15 years of age now)

I feel i cant connect with many people in my school and that i would never be able to start off a conversation with strangers or good looking girls, which makes me think i have paranoia. I am always wondering whether someone is talking about me and saying how stupid and/or small i am, even some of my closest friends...

I am convinced that my friends just feel sorry enough to even talk to me and that they don't genuinely like me for who i am.

I worry whether i'll ever get a long term relationship in school or after... I play guitar and do music at my school, but hate performing in front of others, as paranoia just kicks in again. My leg and arm always twitch and shake when i have to perform, even to the smallest groups of people i have worked within my year of music, so i get easily nervous... People say i'm good at guitar but i just worry that they might be just saying that. I sometimes feel im bad at guitar.

But, sometimes, when I'm with certain few people, i start to forget about all of this, my confidence builds up and i start to boast my self up to make them laugh and impress them. But i think i just get to a certain level when i get too confident... to the point when they just have to pull me back down, and lower my esteem by the stupidest and smallest remarks, which don't seem that offensive to them, but seriously hurt me... Suddenly im not a funny guy anymore, nor a relaxed and impressive guy... im just a midget out of place again, and should be on my own all over again...

Ill probably forget all about this as i only have these very depressive moments every now and then, but i think its getting worse. Like i said, i'll get carried away with getting too happy and enjoying myself, and then realise all over again.