Coming from a family of Christians with an especially enthusiastic Christian dad, I have grown up with fear when I was supposed to have hope. I am Christian, yes definitely! And I don't know if it is a personality trait or what--but I can't seem to share the enthusiasm that my father has. It makes me feel like a heathen. My dad has great testimony of dying, going to heaven, and coming back to life. I, however, have no such story to motivate me spiritually. I have moments of intense inward enthusiasm, but then the demands of life seem to always wear me out.
One of the main reasons I have fear instead of hope is that yes the Bible teaches about future times like the anti-Christ and the mark of the beast etc. I don't think that the world will end, but I do believe that the things are told in Revelation will happen. I have a strong reason to believe that it will happen very soon. I know that the Jehovah Witnesses said he was coming back like 7 different times or something, but they didn't really have a true basis for their claims. I feel that I do. But I'm not here to say that. I'm saying that the constant feeling that my life on earth will be cut short at a young age (I'm 20) is driving me absolutely crazy!
I want to make life plans like going to a foreign country and teaching English, getting married etc. I still have not graduated college, and although I will graduate earlier than normal I don't feel I will graduate early enough for me to have time to move to another country and get married etc. So here I am trying to cram all the major events into my life, because I feel like any day could be my last. It affects my daily life, the decisions I make etc. But this isn't even the only issue of course. This is just the silent issue which looms above my head and all my immediate problems in life.
My parents are divorced and both my mother and father are poor and always have been. I was born in a trailer and although I have moved to better houses (I have moved 9 times) etc my father currently lives in a trailer. I feel like my life will begin and end in a double-wide. I don't live in a trailer park, but still the stigma of living in a trailer kills me inwardly. The stereotypes associated with living in trailers is really offensive to me. Partially because a lot of the stereotypes don't apply and partially because some do....like having divorced fighting parents.
Also, living as a poor Christian in the country, I wasn't exposed to culture very much and so I didn't really develop any personal hobbies or interests which other kids did. When I got to high school and college, I became so painfully aware at how little I had actually lived my life. Mostly my life is characterized by fighting family members, financial stress, and loneliness. I spent almost every afternoon of my high school days staring at my wall. I had friends, but I didn't want them to come to my house because I was ashamed of where I lived. I couldn't go out and do anything with them, because having fun costs money. Skiing? Can't afford it. Mall? Can't afford to buy anything. See a movie? Can't afford it. I would have gladly gotten a job, but living with a single father, who worked all day, I had no access to transportation. Without transportation, I couldn't get a job. Without a job, I could save money for a car. I am in my second year of college and I still have no license.
Love? I am 20 and I have never been kissed. Some might say I never had a real boyfriend even. I would disagree though it may be pathetic to some. I became friends with a foreign pen pal and I ended up talking with his best friend and I fell in love with his best friend. We were inseparable for 9 months. Sadly, it was only 9 months. Not 1 year. Not 2 years. Not 9 years...just 9 months. But it was the best 9 months of my life, except the breaking up part. Basically, when he started his new life at college, he got bored of me and dumped me. I was devastated (I still am). I have wanted to kill myself numerous times. Even tonight. But it is pathetic isn't it? People would mock me for being overly dramatic about 'come online boyfriend.' But really, I loved him purely and sincerely. He was my best (male) friend. After he left me, I felt completely emotionally abandoned. It was right after Valentine's Day and I had also recently found out that my dad got engaged to a woman I have never met. So now he is currently in the process of moving 4 hours from our home town to marry a woman whose face or name I don't know. So at first I felt abandoned by my father, and then by the only person I really ever loved. My mom is already remarried and I can't live with her. Since my dad is now leaving, I am being kicked out. Now, this could be seen as a good thing. But I have never had a real job, I don't have a license, I have almost NO life skills to speak of. I grew up isolated and now I am clueless about even the smallest things in the real world which would be common sense to any other person. I am so stressed and overwhelmed with the pressure of getting a job and being able to afford an apartment and food.........and in order to live I will need 2 part time jobs plus I will need to take 4 online college courses if I want to graduate when I want to in order to live the way I want to before the imminent doom of the anti-Christ -.-
All my friends around me seem so happy. They love their families, majors, boyfriends, social life....I don't. My family is too broken and distant. I hate my major but it is too late to change it. I desperately miss my ex boyfriend but I know I can never be with him again and I feel hopeless about finding anyone else/ I don't even have a social life, unless you count going to classes. This is my junior year of college and I have never even been to a party.
Because I don't have a real job, I can't afford nice clothes so I'm unfashionable and I am often jealous of my more fashionable friends. Because of my life and the way I dressed, I have a reputation for being not very feminine and it hurts me so much because inwardly, I'm very feminine. I'm not really ugly, but I'm not gorgeous. I just can't afford to dress well. When I have been able to wear nicer clothes (rare occasions) I think I look pretty good!
Another thing is that I'm overweight. I'm not obese, but I'm large enough to be uncomfortable in my own skin and in clothes. Let's face it, men don't like fat women. So I don't even have beauty to fall back on in order to help me find love again. I feel so hopeless. I have starved myself, but I seem to have no willpower for regular dieting. I often like the pain of starvation, and sometimes I exercise, but I don't lose weight. Or if I do, it just comes back. It drives me crazy.
My schoolwork has gotten so intense lately. Professors are asking for huge papers, but they keep on assigning smaller papers and huge amounts of reading which just sucks away my time. I have always wanted to learn piano, but I don't have time. I did recently take up an interest in a language, but I can barely find time to study it, even though it is the thing I love to do most.
I have always been a top student, but now I just fade away into stressed mediocrity. Everything is rush rush rush! Deadline deadline deadline! Next next next! I want to scream. I want to jump off a cliff. I hate my major so much.......this is just not the life I wanted.
Another thing which I have become painfully aware of is the fact that I complain a lot, much like right now I guess. I can't seem to help it, but since my life is surrounded by problems constantly, I don't know what else I can possibly talk about with my friends. We all know each other too well to have small talk. I hate being a complainer. I hate it so much and I am really trying to stop. That is why I am writing this here and not saying to my friend. I'm too afraid they will just tell me to shut up and stop complaining like they always do.
It is a good thing I don't have a boyfriend. I'm not mentally stable enough for one anyway, I guess. I have no time either. I desire love above all else, but I can't find it. All I have is God, but I always feel like God's biggest disappointment. It hurts me so much to think that, but I don't know what else to think about it. This is how I feel. I feel helpless, hopeless, and worthless. And completely overwhelmed. I have so many problems. I don't even know where to begin to solve them.
So basically, I'm frantically trying to live my life, find independence and love, graduate and achieve my career goals, but I feel like it will be all for nothing if I am just going to die young anyway.
If anyone took the time to read this long letter (thank you!), please help me. Don't just try to cheer me up with 'hey everyone has problems' etc. I need real advice about what actions I can take to help myself. I am so lost. I want to cry. Actually I did cry. Several times. I am literally crying for help. Please...please. help me. Somebody, anybody.