negative thoughts

by Latasha
(Los Angeles CA)

I recently read someone's story about how they felt stupid and how they made a lot of mistakes. Because they made these mistakes it made them feel stupid.

This website gave this person advice on how to cope better with her situation. She talked about how the sub-conscious mind can get confused about realistic thoughts and unrealistic ones. After reading this advice I just realized that I have done nothing but sabotage my chance of being successful.

I've had negative thoughts about myself ever since I was in Kindergarton. I had a strict teacher who used to make me feel ashamed whenever I did bad on a class assignment.

I had an issue with math and I was also shy. My teacher made it worse for me. I remember when my teacher used to talk to my sister's teacher and tell her that I don't do anything. She would say this girl does nothing and sometimes I would get paddled for not doing my homework correctly. I just remember feeling bad, anxious, and scared every time I would go to school.

When I transitioned to middle school I had those same negative thoughts, I never expected to be successful. I remember never talking to anyone, well I talked to some people but I was mostly quiet and insecure.

High school was the same, I didn't want to do anything, I just focused on getting the day over with. I wanted to attend USC after high school but I convinced myself that I wasn't smart enough. I would tell my family of my goal to attend USC and they wouldn't tell me that I couldn't do it but they would say well you have to be smart in order to go there. This was always vague to me. I mean I would always think well what is smart is it just doing your homework, or do you have to know a lot. I didn't think I was smart. I did my homework but I only did enough to get by.

I found myself cheating myself out of good things in life. My grades were mostly b's and a few c's but I did not have any extra curricular activities. I was rejected to every college I applied for. I only applied to Uc's. My friend told me to apply to Cal states but I wasn't really listening to her at that time because I thought I wouldn't get in anyway so I didn't apply. I felt stupid because I wanted to get into a university from high school but I didn't try hard enough to do it.

I am now in a community college and I've been in there since 2006. I am 22 years old and I feel like a loser. My friend even told me to give up because I am not making any progress. She attends Cal state Northridge. I plan on transferring fall 2011.

I don't care what people have to say, I don't want to give up, because I don't like quitting things. But when someone tells me that it really hurts because I always feel bad about myself. I always told myself when is it going to be my turn to shine or succeed. I felt like a loser from the beginning and I still feel like a loser.

The first time I started college I did not believe in myself, and I ended up messing up in a lot of my classes, dropping classes and barely passing them. I've gotten two f's and some d's but I've made most of my bad grades up. I've never gotten straight f's but I've got 8 w's. From the start of college I said to myself that I was going to transfer to NYU and I was so excited to start over and move on but I just couldn't drop my past negative perceptions about myself. I remember sitting in math class thinking about how stupid I was because I was struggling in rounding.

A lot of the other students have been through more, they were more sophisticated and they had more to say during the class lectures. Not having anything to say made me feel dumb. And even today I still feel stupid sometimes. In my political science class I feel like an idiot because I can't really get into the conversations. Sometimes that makes me not want to read the chapters. But when I do read the chapters I find understanding sometimes. The ideas or comments I want to make in class I just keep to myself because I can't stand looking stupid. I mean I already feel stupid, so looking stupid in someone else's eyes would be worse.

I just sometimes feel like checking out of life (not committing suicide or anything because I don't want to die, I'm too afraid. I just feel like going on a vacation, not just physically but emotionally and mentally. I need a break from my emotions and my negative thoughts. I really need some advice.