My boyfriend goes away without me

by Kerri
(New England)

He has used 3 weeks out of 4 to vacation with or go away for a night with others. He actually went away on a hiking trip in an area of the world with no cell service for 2 weeks. My only contact with him was a daily satellite check in. I went nearly nuts with worry and missing him. This past week I asked him if he wanted to take my birthday off (a Monday) and he replied "No thanks" (like I was doing him a favor?) and took that Friday off to spend with one of his buddies.


This man is my soul mate, we have a relationship that is nearly perfect. We can't get enough of each other when we are together...is this his way of coming up for air? We have different interests but I spent 3 days of our 1 week off together doing what he loves-mountain climbing. Next week he is taking 2 days off with buddies from college. I was invited but being an accountant can't go due to year end duties.

The straw for me came last night and now my usual "trying to cope" has turned to anger. I just had to sell concert tickets I bought him for Christmas because he scheduled another trip away that same day without telling me. I was SO excited to give him the tickets and plan an evening out with him.

Healthy couples run plans by each other, right? Spend at least half their vacation time together? Or are my expectations off?

It just seems that his free time is more valuable to him than our free time. When I divorced, I lost a lot of friends...my home, my dog...coping with the loss and not having anything to do on my own doesn't help. His social life remained intact while, 2 years later I'm still trying to pick up my pieces. I am trying to build some new foundations and get myself out there more but when he IS free, he wants me with him so I put myself aside to be with him. Because, yeah, it's AWESOME when we are together.

It's crazy to be a 38 year old woman who is pining after her boyfriend like a school girl. He's a career bachelor, I'm a divorced mom of 3...I can't teach a dog new tricks so how do I cope? I keep telling him I think that our "perfect" relationship is a tad co-dependent and that I need time to fix myself but he says that we should work together to fix me. I'm not feeling like I'm getting fixed.

Comments for My boyfriend goes away without me

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Me too
by: Christy

Wow, I too am a divorced mother of 3 and my bf is leaving today for his 2nd trip in 3 wks to go hunting out of state. Sounds like there's a lot of us out there dealing with the same situation.

Although I see this type of man as being self absorbed and possibly not the best kind of partner, it is ultimately our decision whether or not we stay. I spent the last year and a half working on "me" and as a result grew to realize my value as an individual. Truly healing from the deep wounds of divorce and finding your place in the world is vital to having a future healthy relationship.

I have only been dating my guy for a couple of months, so considered this a time of "getting to know each other". As a result of this most recent trip have discovered that he is not placing our relationship at the same level of priority as I am. I'm happy that he has the opportunity to get away but in the early stages of a relationship I would've thought he may want to spend a little more time getting to know me too instead of leaving for 3 weeks out of the month to go hunting. So I'm going to talk it over with him when he gets back and then make my decision as to whether or not he is right for me. This is easy for me to do only because I love myself enough to only want the best for my life. I will never settle again.

Best of Luck to you and love yourself first, then look for the love of your life.
Boyfriend Trips
by: Anonymous

Wow, I was reading your post and thought I was writing it. I'm a divorced mom of 3 and like you am still trying to get my life back on track. My boyfriend has already gone away three times this winter on snowmobiling trips. I'm just tired of him thinking nothing of taking off without me.
Good Reading
by: Anonymous

Thanks. I googled this topic today, because I am at a crossroad. My ex boyfriend and I recently reconnected in March. We'd broken up, due to some sad circumstances a year prior, but never stopped thinking about or loving each other. We separated for over a year, he has dated one woman, I chose not to move on in hopes of reconnecting. This was my choice, but am honestly resentful. We began couple's therapy to work out our differences, or to find a better understanding of each other. Also to help get us, get over the past bad experiences. He, is highly social, mostly female friends. I am career driven, single mom of one. The female friendships do cause jealousy, on my part. (Having seen a woman eat from his plate, canoodle at the sink while helping to wash dishes post family dinner) As we speak, he is staying with a divorced male friend, and a group of female friends at the shore. I am alright with this, as I have my own life, what is hurtful is that he did not include me, or my child. We've been out together, alone on a date twice in the 3 months we've been reconnected. He works over time or plans weekend trips so much, it is hard to get time together. Lately, I feel as though he might be running away from "us", but is afraid to tell me. He calls me each day or night, but we are not spending time "together", the way we used to. We were very much in love when we met. Perhaps the circumstances we'd faced, which led to us separating are just too much to move forward. I guess I am looking for advice, if anyone can help me.
Typical of a lot of people
by: Elizabeth

My first feeling on reading this was to tell him to get lost, I could say a bit more but it might not be acceptable to put it in print.

I know of a young woman with children aged from 18 to 2, was shacked up with a man who was more devoted to his mates, hunting, boozing with them instead of doing anything with the three younger children who were his. The mates kept on intruding and she finally broke up the relationship. He has never grown up or really taken any interest in the kids. The mother of the children has not been through an easy time and her eldest child who was from another relationship is suffering as a result of all this. She had a difficult time when the youngest child was born and for a long time suffered from depression and has needed counselling. She is having problems with one child who is very demanding of her attention

There are a lot of men out there who still want to have an independent life, fine enough if their partner is happy with that if she has her own interests.

Years ago I knew of two women whose husbands went travelling overseas for long periods and left them at home. They were just too selfish to take them with them. No one would put up with that now, or be expected to do so.

Had the the women been the ones to take off and go travelling, it would have been unacceptable for them to have done that.

What is sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose!!!
Commitment
by: Kay

Thank you for contacting Positive Personal Growth. I feel you say it all in your last paragraph when you said he is a career bachelor. I don't know that he has a commitment towards having any permanency with you in the future, other than enjoying the times you have together. Is this enough for you?

I am not certain that anything you say is going to change his lifestyle. He enjoys being with you but seems to see no reason to stop living his life the way he always has. Some may see this is selfish, but this is the way he is and no doubt he enjoys his life and sees no reason to alter it.

Make a life for yourself apart from him, don't live your life for him, do things that you want to do with other friends. Sitting at home pining for him would be, as you say, crazy.

Be happy that when you are with him everything is fantastic, and make sure that when you aren't together everything is still enjoyable to you, go out and have fun. Maybe in time he will want to share these times with you, or maybe he's never going to change, in which case you have to decide whether you can accept him as he is, or find someone who wants to commit to you in the way you want.

I wish you a happy future.

Love
Kay
x

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