Many years of low self esteem and I feel like I give of myself without regard to my own needs
I have lived for 45 years with low self esteem. I don't like to blame others as i have forgiven my parents for years of neglect, abuse and my father being an alcoholic and my mother was depressed.
We grew up very poor so I started working at age 13 to support myself and have been living on my own since 17. I was the youngest of 5 and managed to find running, surfing, work, music and education. My other siblings all have drug and alcohol problems and my sister passed away last year from lung cancer from smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day. I took care of her until she passed away.
My mother has never been supportive. My father after getting sober has been more of a father now many years later but still has anger issues. They never call me to see how I am doing. I have been married 3 times. My first husband was abusive and tried to push me down the stairs with our child in my arms. I was involved in an automobile accident which left me incapacitated for a year. My first husband would not work and lived off of all of my savings that I worked very hard for. I soon divorced him. He was then a dead beat dad.
I managed to put myself through school buy a home and some peace on my own. Then I met my second husband whom I was not ready to marry but because he told me "he would take care of me" I jumped in. He turned out to be an alcoholic (does that surprise anyone). We had financial success but no love. His job was one that I could not tell others he was a drinker so I lived in silence for 15 years. He went through 2 intensive alcohol treatment programs but soon I realized how unhappy I was.
During all of this I was bailing my brothers and sisters out of jail or money problems. I took care of their children and once again I had no emotional support during all of this. My second husband and I finally divorced. I continued to l live in the home with my boys and had some peace and I was very successfully in my business. But I was still unhappy there was something in me that I could not fulfill. I felt like there was a huge gaping hole. I started to have a need to find a man that would fulfill that without any success. I was at a restaurant bar with some friends had one glass of wine and woke up at man's home with my pants off and him sexually assaulting me. He had put something in my drink and we all new this man as he was very affluent in my circle of work.
I lost it after that. I didnt' tell anyone but he still harrassed me by threatening discretely my job and my home. He sent pictures of me to other people that he had taken while I was with him. I sought counseling but I have never been the same since. I left the job he was a part of.
After I left the job I had a cancer scare. I live in fear and anxiety which has gotten better. I have always been able to pull myself up by my boot straps but lately it has been very hard. I remarried again which is turning out to be a very cold and unhappy place. I am not validated or respected as he looks at other women and I am always feeling unhappy with the things he says to me. If i ask for anything from him he is very hostile.
When I met him his child was 6 years old and has bipolar and adhd, odd and pdd. He is a very difficult child as he swears and punches me when I ask him to do simple tasks like get dressed!! over the past 2 years, I feel I do the best I can for this child but he has a mental illness. I feel like my whole life I have been a punching bag to others.
Friends have used me for money and it seems like a one way street with me doing all the work. I am exhausted and feel overwhelmed. I blame low self esteem and the lack of having formative younger years to develop my coping skills. I believe that I will feel better about myself but I keep making the same mistakes with my life. I have hope but need some guidance.
I put others before myself, give too much of myself and feel like I get very little in return. HELP!!