Low Self-Esteem and Lack of Communication Skills

by Camelia

I'm 27 yrs old, single, and have never been in a committed relationship. I feel I have had low self-esteem all my life. Growing up I've always heard that I was quiet and shy, so much that I began to feel myself embody it. I was bullied and teased as a child by other kids. I felt insecure about my weight, my breast developing earlier than other girls, and my birthmark on my face. My issues didn't seem so bad to me after I left my old school and started a new one for 7th grade. I got over my breast and birthmark issues then. All that time I was residing in the Caribbean with others of the same culture. However, things got a different kind of bad for me when I started attending high school in the US. I barely opened my mouth unless I had to, out of fear of people not being able to understand me because of my accent. Plus the diversity and environment was new to me, I felt like I didn't belong. Everyone else seemed older, mature, more experienced. I did make some connections with a handful of students but wasnt able to hold on to them on a deeper level, so I went about the rest of high school with really no friends. I remember a guy told me he was interested in me and asked for my number, I was so scared and nervous that I turned him down quite terribly right in front of our classmates. I felt terrible and wish I had just given him my number or at least apologized for how I responded. Sometimes I think my life would've been so much different had that one moment gone differently. He could've been my first boyfriend and maybe I would've had better relationship experiences in my life by now. Married even. I've been in the military for almost 10 yrs now. About 2yrs after enlisting I had lost a lot of weight and had a flat stomach for the first time in my life. My self-esteem somewhat shot up. I began engaging more with members of my unit, participated more within the unit, started hanging out with people in my dorm building, and made a few friends. Then I somewhat started dating this guy and let myself go for a few short months. I started to feel really insecure again, especially when I saw other girls who looked like those girls I was intimidated by and felt inferior to in high school. I got an assignment to a new location and while there made some really bad choices, I even lost two good friends I had from my previous assignment as a result of my bad choices. My self-esteem is the root cause of it all. Needless to say my self-esteem lowered even more. I got to my third assignment and while there was able to build up my self-esteem a little by once again transforming my body. Though yet again I made some questionable choices and also gained back the weight. Now I'm on my forth assignment location. I've managed not to make any bad decisions since being here a few short yrs now. At work I interact with a lot of higher ranking individuals and I feel I'm not at ease or as comfortable as I should be during those interactions. I don't feel I exude confidence and feel that my communication skills aren't up to par as I still have some difficulty explaining myself. I fee like back in high school, trying to carefully think about what I want to say while I'm saying it so others will understand. Another thing is, I feel I'm not where I would like to be in life. I'm in debt and I barely have any savings. I feel I should've had the car of my dreams by now and have at least purchased a home. I'm also trying to lose 20lbs. I have a friend who has told me numerous times that he is madly in love with me and wants me to give him a chance. I'm going to be honest and say he is a really nice, humble, good looking and short person, but that I do still fantasize about mr tall and other qualities in a partner. At the same time I do feel insecure about giving him a chance because I'm not comfortable in my body, being me and about where I am or not am in life. I feel trapped inside and I have a tendency to talk down to myself about how I feel. I'll say things like I feel stupid, just randomly to myself after interacts with others or thoughts about something I've done. I have been thinking about seeking therapy/counseling.

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Your low self esteem
by: Anonymous

Hi Camelia, first without patronising you, that is a lovely name.
I have read your letter, and many things in it, I have also felt.
Because you have low self esteem, you think you are taking up to much space on this earth dont you? I used to feel this all the time. You don't mention your Parents,or family life before you left home. I say this because, I was quiet and shy,and because of that,and a bullying brother, and a disabled mother that I was carer to,I grew up thinking a was worthless,and just everyone's servant in my family. Maybe thats not your case, but,someone at some time has said something that you have believed until this present time. An unkind remark, when you are not sure of yourself can be so damaging for years.
You, when you went to the school in the US, were mingling with girls more sophisticated than you. Its very hard when everyone seems to have a head start on you , dosn't it?
You said that when you lost weight, your self esteem soared.
Thats the trouble, its your mind you need to take care of, your weight is an exterior visible thing,and its what people CANT see, when you get it sorted out, that will be a permanent Confidence thing. I know that you needed people's approval, and without realising it, You start to seek others approval,which will not work. You need to start being kind to yourself, because in the real you,there is a lovely young woman just waiting to burst out! See your head as a room, with all this negative , useless stuff in it, and you are going to give it a good cleaning out. To get rid of all the dusty useless thoughts you've had up to now, and your going to replace them with this new Wonderful you. You know, your mind is like a computer, and when you put all this new stuff in your head, and use ONLY that, it will start behaving on the new instructions you are giving it.
Believe me,Camelia, when you think everone in the world is better than you, when you look around, you see that alot of people arent as good as you. You MUST know inside, somewhere, that your not all that bad, and your going to be the best person that you can be. Everyone has faults,including those sophisticated girls, and you have to stop caring what they think. You will be targeted by people that will abuse your self esteem,if you are quiet, and you have to rise above that.
Remember,Fear is just a thought, and please,do not fear people,because they are no better than you, And every time you seek people's approval, you are betraying what YOU really want. JUST BE YOURSELF. I really hope you find Happiness,because you deserve it x

low self esteem
by: Kay

Low self esteem is a horrible thing to have to cope with. It's something that is all to do with how you see yourself.

You have constantly put yourself down throughout your life by what you have thought about yourself, and this is your problem. You no longer like yourself and don't feel worthwhile. You allow your thoughts to limit your ability.

Your subconscious cannot tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and because you constantly put yourself down by thinking how useless you are, plus all the other negative stuff you say, your subconscious has picked up on this talk and, of course, believes it to be true.

You are the only one who can change you and you do this by changing your thought pattern. Positive loving thoughts about yourself are important. The more you think them the quicker your subconscious will start to believe them.
You have to get rid of the self limiting thoughts to help change you and your life.

Another impoortant thing is that you love the person you are and accept yourself for how you are. Once again you do this by affirming often that you love yourself, you are important, people like you and other positive thoughts that, in time, will help you. It's not going to be easy because you have been unhappy for so long, but I hope you believe will be worth the effort and keep on keeping on with the posiive thinking!

Everything you need is within your mind. Your thoughts make your reality. Change them, change you!

Good luck for the future.


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