Low Self esteem. HELP HELP HELP.

by Marie

Warning this is really long but I really need some advice. PLEASE. Hi, well today after school I was once again depressed. Throughout my few sixteen years on this earth I have changed a lot. In my younger years as a child I was a very confident child, although things were happening in my life that I did not understand. I was being abused. when I started to grow up and a realised what was happening I knew it wasn't meant to happen. I was a scared little child at the time and I didn't know how to deal with it. I hated myself for what happened to me but I have kept it a secret except from a few friends whom I told years later. Sometimes the memories from the past are just too much and even though it is hard for me to talk about it I need to get what I am feeling of my chest. now that I am older my confidence level has dropped. I can't talk to people, can't look at them at all. I think it's because I am afraid. I know everyone may say it because you are a teenager and that is why you are feeling this way but I know its not. I'm afraid of people judging me and I will admit the way I am feeling my be made worse because of hormones and just being a teenager. I am so afraid of doing anything wrong that I am not living my life at all. I am a shadow of the person I could be. Every night I pray that I won't get into trouble, get shouted at, that I won't get embarrassed, won't do or say anything stupid or that I will regret.

I have told my mum about the constant praying and she has told me to stop for I may develop OCD or a lot of other mental health issues. I worry a lot and I am anxious all the time. I'm not living in the present because I am worrying about the future and more than often I am regretting the past and wishing it could be different. I don't like the person I was when I was a child but I hate the shell of a person I have become. Sometimes I just want to forget the past but I know you can't do that because all your experiences make up who you are.

I like to write stories, books and poetry but I am a terrible speller and my stories are lame. people are always saying to rise above the bad things that has happened to you and be stronger for it but I can't. I have become this quiet, shy person incapable of talking to people I don't know. My friends are great but I have no confidence to talk to new people. My problem is becoming worse as I get older as I am expected to be able to cope with everything thrown my way but its hard.

This may sound really strange but a few boys have become part of my class at school and I can't talk to them at all. I just ignore them and don't speak. I know they must think I am really mean but I don't know what else to do. Especially because of what happened to me as a child. I just can't feel safe around boys because of what one did to me.

I may not be sounding very clear about what happened to me when I was younger but my childhood was taking from me. I was vulnerable and I was taken advantage off. Now I'm getting all deep. I sometimes cry when I think about the past and I nearly collapse when I think about what will happen in the future. I feel so guilty when I think about ignoring the boys in my class but I can't allow myself to talk to them. It's like there is this wall preventing me. I really don't know what to do. Also to add to my list of irrelevant problems - I call them irrelevant because compared to the hardships of others I sound like whiny brat. I feel so stupid and worthless all the time. Some days I am happy but only for a moment of the day. the last time I was truly happy for a long period of time was two years ago and then my dog got diagnosed having cancer and later dies. Don't laugh but I still cry sometimes when I think about it. I shouldn't be complaining because I have a family, a home and food but I still feel worthless. I do okay in school but I have no common sense at all. Everything I do I do wrong. For example if you asked me to do something simple I wouldn't be able to do it because I am a stupid idiot incapable of doing anything right. I have thought about ending it all and killing myself but I couldn't do that to my family.

I am writing a lot but I need some outlet for all my feelings. I really do think I need advice or I may very well develop OCD, anxiety and stress. The last two I already have and in case your wondering I am not close to suicide because I have made it this far through life I might as well go on. I probably sound like an older person but I am 16 and I know I have lots of things yet to come that will change me but at the moment I wonder how I survive this life. I am too shy and stupid to get far and this depresses me. Every night I want to be a confident person who everyone will like but I am not. What makes things worse I have a prom/ formal next year and everyone is talking about it. I have no one to go with as all the guys probably think I am a freak. I walk with my head down, not daring to make eye contact as I have no idea how to respond. I am awkward and socially unable to really talk to people that aren't my friends. Every time I look in the mirror I see someone ugly and not worthy to walk around. All this is made worse by the fact that I know I can never allow myself to get close to a guy. I will never feel safe but I always dream of finding that one guy I will love and spend the rest of my life with. I feel sad just thinking about it. I also have a habit of saying sorry a lot even when it isn't my fault I will say it. I can't help it and I think I only do it so people will like me and not get offended by anything I do.

Also I have been taking advantage of and kind of bullied not with violence but by girls in my class making me feel more stupid than I already do. Sorry this is an awful lot to read and normally I don't talk about myself for this long but I needed to get this off my chest as it has been sitting there for so long. I just want the pain, depression and worry to be gone so I can start living my life. Thanks for reading.

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Low self esteem Help help help
by: Anonymous

You are not the only one who is suffering from old wounds. There are lots of other out there as well. From what you have told me, you need some professional help as you still have the trauma with you. The trauma that you have been through is colouring your life and affecting all aspects of it and it needs to be cleared and you need to be able to move on once you are feeling a lot better

This sort of treatment that you have suffered from whoever has abused you has made you feel worthless and you do not need to feel like that as you are a worthy person in your own right.
Look at all that you are good at doing and work on those aspects such as schoolwork and hobbies and you will find friends who will support and help you. But do find some help from somewhere.

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