Low Self esteem. HELP HELP HELP.
Warning this is really long but I really need some advice. PLEASE. Hi, well today after school I was once again depressed. Throughout my few sixteen years on this earth I have changed a lot. In my younger years as a child I was a very confident child, although things were happening in my life that I did not understand. I was being abused. when I started to grow up and a realised what was happening I knew it wasn't meant to happen. I was a scared little child at the time and I didn't know how to deal with it. I hated myself for what happened to me but I have kept it a secret except from a few friends whom I told years later. Sometimes the memories from the past are just too much and even though it is hard for me to talk about it I need to get what I am feeling of my chest. now that I am older my confidence level has dropped. I can't talk to people, can't look at them at all. I think it's because I am afraid. I know everyone may say it because you are a teenager and that is why you are feeling this way but I know its not. I'm afraid of people judging me and I will admit the way I am feeling my be made worse because of hormones and just being a teenager. I am so afraid of doing anything wrong that I am not living my life at all. I am a shadow of the person I could be. Every night I pray that I won't get into trouble, get shouted at, that I won't get embarrassed, won't do or say anything stupid or that I will regret.
I have told my mum about the constant praying and she has told me to stop for I may develop OCD or a lot of other mental health issues. I worry a lot and I am anxious all the time. I'm not living in the present because I am worrying about the future and more than often I am regretting the past and wishing it could be different. I don't like the person I was when I was a child but I hate the shell of a person I have become. Sometimes I just want to forget the past but I know you can't do that because all your experiences make up who you are.
I like to write stories, books and poetry but I am a terrible speller and my stories are lame. people are always saying to rise above the bad things that has happened to you and be stronger for it but I can't. I have become this quiet, shy person incapable of talking to people I don't know. My friends are great but I have no confidence to talk to new people. My problem is becoming worse as I get older as I am expected to be able to cope with everything thrown my way but its hard.
This may sound really strange but a few boys have become part of my class at school and I can't talk to them at all. I just ignore them and don't speak. I know they must think I am really mean but I don't know what else to do. Especially because of what happened to me as a child. I just can't feel safe around boys because of what one did to me.
I may not be sounding very clear about what happened to me when I was younger but my childhood was taking from me. I was vulnerable and I was taken advantage off. Now I'm getting all deep. I sometimes cry when I think about the past and I nearly collapse when I think about what will happen in the future. I feel so guilty when I think about ignoring the boys in my class but I can't allow myself to talk to them. It's like there is this wall preventing me. I really don't know what to do. Also to add to my list of irrelevant problems - I call them irrelevant because compared to the hardships of others I sound like whiny brat. I feel so stupid and worthless all the time. Some days I am happy but only for a moment of the day. the last time I was truly happy for a long period of time was two years ago and then my dog got diagnosed having cancer and later dies. Don't laugh but I still cry sometimes when I think about it. I shouldn't be complaining because I have a family, a home and food but I still feel worthless. I do okay in school but I have no common sense at all. Everything I do I do wrong. For example if you asked me to do something simple I wouldn't be able to do it because I am a stupid idiot incapable of doing anything right. I have thought about ending it all and killing myself but I couldn't do that to my family.
I am writing a lot but I need some outlet for all my feelings. I really do think I need advice or I may very well develop OCD, anxiety and stress. The last two I already have and in case your wondering I am not close to suicide because I have made it this far through life I might as well go on. I probably sound like an older person but I am 16 and I know I have lots of things yet to come that will change me but at the moment I wonder how I survive this life. I am too shy and stupid to get far and this depresses me. Every night I want to be a confident person who everyone will like but I am not. What makes things worse I have a prom/ formal next year and everyone is talking about it. I have no one to go with as all the guys probably think I am a freak. I walk with my head down, not daring to make eye contact as I have no idea how to respond. I am awkward and socially unable to really talk to people that aren't my friends. Every time I look in the mirror I see someone ugly and not worthy to walk around. All this is made worse by the fact that I know I can never allow myself to get close to a guy. I will never feel safe but I always dream of finding that one guy I will love and spend the rest of my life with. I feel sad just thinking about it. I also have a habit of saying sorry a lot even when it isn't my fault I will say it. I can't help it and I think I only do it so people will like me and not get offended by anything I do.
Also I have been taking advantage of and kind of bullied not with violence but by girls in my class making me feel more stupid than I already do. Sorry this is an awful lot to read and normally I don't talk about myself for this long but I needed to get this off my chest as it has been sitting there for so long. I just want the pain, depression and worry to be gone so I can start living my life. Thanks for reading.