I'm a single mom to a teenage girl. Lost both my parents early in life mom at 10, dad at 18 and became lost in my teens as a result of a lack of guidance and peer pressure I didn't open up about not knowing how to cope. I bottled everything up inside. Fear and emotions ran my life and I became a mom within 2 years of losing my dad. The father and I are not together and he is much older, old enough to be my father. I would have had an abortion because he asked me to and I used to do whatever he said, but I didn't believe in them. I was 19 then.
I love my child so much though she is the product of a horrible experience with her biological father. Yet because of the trauma of what I lived through with him and not having other parental mentors around to show me the ropes, I often find myself isolated through the process and am unequipped on how to be the kind of parent that I would have liked to be. I am always striving to be a good mother and fall short of my ideals which is why my self confidence is so low. It's like I see what should be done and not sure how to achieve it constantly creating a debt for myself to pay. I worry constantly even though I go to church and pray and learn God's word to trust in Him and not worry. This is challenging. I wish for my life to be a little bit easier and am so lost. I am doing my best, I found this site with lots of good advice on it, so I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Some days like today, Mother's Day, I take it hard that the male figure is missing from the household.
Trying to reframe perspective to be grateful for the many blessings I already am given is a big challenge for me that will get easier with practice I'm sure. I pray that day comes sooner than later! At times it feels like this attempt to be positive is just a front for others to see and to psyche myself out, a fake it til I make it if you will. It tears my heart in pieces when I try to tell myself things I have difficulty believing. I feel like I've had a rough life and am actually minimizing that experience by being positive, however, I believe there are others who've also had a hard life, if not harder, yet I'm not trying to compare myself to them. I can only speak for what it go through and have known.