Lonely as single mom; depressed and despaired.

by eb
(florida, usa)

I thought by now things would be different. I never dreamed this. I am a single mom, 46 years old, to a nine year old boy. The reality of reality is this time, different from my past episodes of depression. This time, there is more at stake, responsibility and the transgressions of my past. The worst part is how bitter I have become. I was young and youthful and foolish last year, this year I am numb with monotonous daily chores.

The isolation of our lives is almost unbearable. The chilling quiet never leaves my home, nor do the walls as even they sometimes echo with laughter. I clean, organize, feed, wash, cut, mow, shop, run errands and that is the best part of my day, while the other is spent filling out applications and mailing out resumes on a daily basis. I have recently come to a few conclusions. My son is witnessing the survival lifestyle. We are so poor I can hardly afford fuel for my truck. I have watched my son turn into a different person from this. He is overly bored, sarcastic, angry, manipulative to break every rule I had set. We have no friends because of many reasons, but the worst part is his social life is suffering, while we have not any children or friendly neighbors on our road.

I have lost interest in most people, and feel as though my son is being neglected of a balanced life. He witnesses me having so many moods, from crying and sobbing once a week, to sharing my most personal thoughts about the hatred I have for the area I live in. I fear I really am an awful, selfish person. I thought I had everything figured out to get away from the place. It is filled with gossip, stares, bullies and other ignorance of every kind. I miss culture, fine arts, growth of every kind.

My son started off so well... he is a gifted student. All of his classmates and friends have Dads. He has never had one. I tried many many churches. That's another discussion in itself. I tried counseling, and it seems I educate them more than they help me. I tried bars and it has left me going, yuck !!

I only moved here to be next to my Mother, and now I feel helpless of laughter, my throat aches to cry but I hold it in until it passes. I know my thoughts are full of unforgiving painful self talk that are quite abruptful. Most of my life has been spent in survival mode, and now I am so exhausted I find it very hard to take care of myself, I am in fear for my sons life. I know the difference of not being so lonely.

I cant stand myself, my inadequacies, my lack of connection, my distaste for my own intolerance. I have finally put an art portfolio together, a work portfolio, a free website that contains my resume, art and writing, have earned up to 51 credits of college and now, I am applying for jobs that are minimum wage!! It is so hot and humid this summer, and I work and sweat drips constantly from not having an air conditioner. I haven't paid rent in five months and my family is disgusted that I haven't found a job yet. They own the home I live in now, not paying them enables a child like and humiliating relations with them.

The jobs here mostly employ schools, hospitals and or restaurants. Other than that the work ethic is demeaning. You are easily replaceable. I hate myself for being such a perfectionist. The phone does not ring anymore. I have off and on times of this. But never quite so chilling. I could go on and on. But the main thing I am trying to get across is perhaps...where is the forgiveness in others, why are other people so afraid of you? Why does, despite my verbal honesty about our lack of friends in my sons life, do other moms seem to care only of themselves. I have witnessed so many unfair, thoughtless, selfish women here.

Its changing my perspective completely and many days I don't even want to leave my house. If anyone has any suggestions that are practical I would love to hear them. I hang on by mechanical habit, strings and coffee. ????

Comments for Lonely as single mom; depressed and despaired.

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Change your,thoughts
by: Anonymous

Your life may seem a dead end at the moment, but you might be aware there are a lot more Mums in the same position as you. I know what its like being where you are, but you just have to tread water until something changes. And it will. NO situation stays the same forever. Have you thought of say, starting a club up for other mums, so you can swap stories, confide in each other, support each other? Try and raise cash so you can all have trips out together?

Kay is right about your little boy, he will pick up on your state,of mind. Try doing things with him that dont cost money. Start to use your imagination on new ways to make your lives more interesting. Get absorbed in these kind of things,and you might be surprised that things HAVE changed and you didnt even notice!

I wish you luck, and remember, NO situation stays the same

Lonely as a single mom.
by: Anonymous

It is easy to get trapped in a web that you feel you cannot get out of. The more that you are surrounded by negativity which is what it is, the worse you are feeling. There will be something or someone who will help you if you keep on looking. Unfortunately helpers often make you feel even more insecure as they can pull you down. What you need is someone who will cheer you up and make you feel good.

People do go through periods where nothing seems to come right after they have suffered a downturn and it takes a while to get back on track.
Have you interests or passions that you want to engage in? Are you into music etc.
Somewhere there will be a ray of light that will come through and you will see a way out.

lonely single mum
by: Anonymous

Hello, I know it wont be easy to help yourself, but because you continuously focus on what you aren't happy with in your life you are slowly working yourself into depression. What you focus on becomes your reality.

Focus on the blessings you have in your life, the biggest and most important being the beautiful son you have. You also have a family who care about you, which is why they are at their whits end with what is happening in your life.

Your son is picking up on your unhappiness, and you should stop telling him about everything that is causing your problems and try to help him to focus on what a great kid he is, how much you love him and how proud you are of him.

Make the effort to go out. Join a club, there must be some in your area. Friendship has to be given before it can be received. Make the effort to better your circumstances. Once you start to look at your life in a different way things should start to improve for you.
Good luck

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