Living in Hell

by m.r.
(Iowa)

I have read much of this site and have drawn a couple of conclusions: Many others share my problem and we are all wondering how to be free and happy.

I am 49 a white male from the midwest. Most of my life I have been depressed and in order to cope I began to self medicate so that at least for a few moments peace of mind could be found. My drug and alcohol problem lasted for 32 years. During this time I had two great kids graduated from college, served in the military and had a decent career. I had many friends.

That was then this is now. Two years ago my lifelong depression and anxiety goes almost out of control. I am now almost homeless my career is gone, professional license gone, unemployed. My home is gone and car repo'd. The funny thing is that I really do not care anymore.

I have been drug and alcohol free for several months, but that depression keeps coming back and inhibits me from having the ambition and drive to improve my situation. I do not even know where or how to get started. Sometimes I think f.... it I wasted for the most part my 49 years and now that I am almost 50 why bother? I have family and two kids but for some reason I feel completely detached from them and from most people. This is most bothersome as I do not want to feel this way.

My troubles have brought me to counselors and I have been taking anti-depressants for years. I have always been able to somehow pull myself out of situations like this, but I no longer have wit nor the will to do so.

What is the matter with me? I have always felt different from other people although I am good looking, educated and very bright. So what is it? DO not tell me to "pull myself up by the bootstraps" that is archaic and just plain stupid because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE LIKE THIS NOBODY WANTS TO BATTLE THEIR OWN MIND ON A DAILY BASIS.

What can I do? Where can I go? I would appreciate any advice.

Comments for Living in Hell

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Hell can finally come to an end
by: Anonymous

You will find the help where you least expect it. Depression is not the easiest to cope with and when things go wrong, you often feel you are on a downward slide.

The help may come from someone who has been there and done that and knows what it feels like and can give you some guidance and insight.

The time will come when circumstances will change for the better and you will finally see a way out.

Just try letting things go and try to find something to be pleased about, if you try to do something in a hurry, it may not work out, if you take it slowly something will come up that works out.

I went through a bad time many years ago when I lost my job through another persons malice, it took me a long time to get over it and I went into other situations I should have avoided.
Looking back now, I can see what I should have done but at the time I felt bewildered and confused and did not act rationally.

I wish you well in your search for a way out.

Life and its problems
by: Kay

Thank you for contacting Positive Personal Growth. When we suffer from depression, have low self esteem, feel unloved, unwanted, we find sometimes we have good days when we feel we can cope and then things seem to go from bad to worse and then we start again with the doubts and fears.

I would like to tell you that everything will be Ok if you do this, or when you do that, but unfortunately you and I know, as do all the other people who have come to this website looking for help, there is no quick fix, no overnight miracle that is going to make you into the fantastic person with the wonderful life you long to have.

I can tell you that what most of us lack is the total belief in ourselves. I suspect you may see others and wonder how they can be so strong, how they can do things that you wouldn't dare do because you fear you wouldn't be able to. What you should realise is that most of those people feel the fear and the dread, but they have the faith in themselves to at least try and more often than not they succeed, and when they don't they refuse to give up but try again, and again if necessary until they achieve.

Good times and bad times are a normal part of life. Accepting yourself and loving yourself is important. Attitude is important. I know it's easy to give in because you can't be bothered, I sometimes do it too, but if you can try your hardest to change your attitude to one of 'doing something' you will feel so much better within yourself for having tried.

Attitude makes you how you are. You can wake up and feel the world is against you, and discover you have set the pace for a lousy day, or you can wake up, say thanks for the wonderful day you are about to have, and you will have set the day to be a good one, or at least one, with the right attitude, you can cope with.

Everything depends on your thought pattern, positive thoughts or negative ones. 'I hate my life' or 'I love my life'. You hold the power to choose. You hold the power within your mind to how you want your life to unfold, purely by the next thought you have that you put into action.

Leave the past where it belongs, in the past, it's gone, over, you can't change it no matter how you may try. Decide what you are going to do, how you are going to achieve it. Put all negative thoughts out of your mind. Pay them no heed, listen only to the 'I can do' thoughts, and then move confidently into the future.

It wont be easy, but if you can focus on the end goal, stay with the positive attitude, you will be able to change your future.

Oh, and I forgot, count your blessings, you have many!!

Love
Kay
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