Living in Hell
I have read much of this site and have drawn a couple of conclusions: Many others share my problem and we are all wondering how to be free and happy.
I am 49 a white male from the midwest. Most of my life I have been depressed and in order to cope I began to self medicate so that at least for a few moments peace of mind could be found. My drug and alcohol problem lasted for 32 years. During this time I had two great kids graduated from college, served in the military and had a decent career. I had many friends.
That was then this is now. Two years ago my lifelong depression and anxiety goes almost out of control. I am now almost homeless my career is gone, professional license gone, unemployed. My home is gone and car repo'd. The funny thing is that I really do not care anymore.
I have been drug and alcohol free for several months, but that depression keeps coming back and inhibits me from having the ambition and drive to improve my situation. I do not even know where or how to get started. Sometimes I think f.... it I wasted for the most part my 49 years and now that I am almost 50 why bother? I have family and two kids but for some reason I feel completely detached from them and from most people. This is most bothersome as I do not want to feel this way.
My troubles have brought me to counselors and I have been taking anti-depressants for years. I have always been able to somehow pull myself out of situations like this, but I no longer have wit nor the will to do so.
What is the matter with me? I have always felt different from other people although I am good looking, educated and very bright. So what is it? DO not tell me to "pull myself up by the bootstraps" that is archaic and just plain stupid because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE LIKE THIS NOBODY WANTS TO BATTLE THEIR OWN MIND ON A DAILY BASIS.
What can I do? Where can I go? I would appreciate any advice.