Lazy, Ashamed, Low Self Esteem and the feeling of Uselessness.
Hello, My name is Daniel, and I'm 19 yrs old. As you can see my problems, I have many of them. This is going to be long I apologize.
I just finished a cancellation of an appointment for my road test...because of a shortage of money..being broke. And I feel this is an outcome of my incompetence. I come from a family who values hard-work and pride over anything. My dad came over from El Salvador into the United States illegally around the 70s-80s and had worked HARD to get us into a good house to gain his citizenship. He is hard to please with things I do. And most of my ideas he does not find acceptable in his perspective. He is probably the only one who can make me feel good about myself (if that makes any sense so far)in which I hate disappointing him. I kinda of understand since he had grueling time when he came to the US and overcame many obstacles as an illegal.
Anyways he came to see my high school graduation,and to motivate me into my next step of my future. He gave me a car and helped me get my permit.(again). He was leaving back to El Salvador to take care of his farmland there. I got this job from my aunt's friend. Which my dad was really happy for me ,which got me happy. About 2-3 weeks ago I left the job, and my reason was since they didn't allow me to use my prescribed glasses, or more like the job didn't allow me.(The job was cleaning meat drills for a meat company.) I had to use extremely hot pressurized water to clean the meat off the drill making my working area steamy/fogged in which made my glasses fogged and not able to use them. They told me just to leave it off, and I explained that I could not see anything whenever someone is signaling me to do/warn something. Their response was "....." and back to their job. I started to get sick from the constant change from refrigerated/chilled cold, to steamed and sweaty in a raincoat then back to the cold. (I started to contract a rash which I thought was fungus from my boots in work.) I was fed up and left the job...but my incompetence I suppose starts here.
I had no job to fall back on or had a job ready for me when I did that. So when I decided to have the guts to tell my dad that I left the job over the phone, he was quiet and I felt really anxious until he finally said, "Why Daniel, why did you leave that job?" I told him my reason, in then his response was "Daniel that is NOT good reason, that job is easy. I could've done that with my hand behind my back." as soon as he was finished with that sentence he said..."Daniel... I am ashamed..." *click* the phone hung up. I realized that my phone card minutes were up. He left me with the worst response I felt in my entire life with him. With that I thought about what he said the entire day, thought about it at night which I feel pathetic saying I cried myself to sleep. I was angry. I felt like I let my dad down, my sister, and my mother who was also excited for me to work.(I was going to help her with the rent.) I was sad because of the same reason I was angry. I felt pathetic because this could've been prevented if I just stuck and dealt with my job and also because I felt like I was being a little baby about the heat/cold. I'm about to start college as a chef, and I am just freaking out because I still don't have a job, and when I say I'm going to look for one, I procrastinate and just end up staying home being lazy, playing video games. My uselessness sets in as well when I'm not doing anything productive. My love life is well, no where to be seen. Because of my fear of my image, I feel fat, which I think I can't get anyone to be attracted to me. I REALLY WANT TO GET IN SHAPE. Like its a goal, but ...here i go again with laziness/procrastinating on how much work its going to be... I hate myself for not being what I want to be...I want to be strong, confident, willing, respecting my self-image... but so many thing are going so wrong and so fast. I don't know what to do. I feel so useless the most... no reason to feel happy in the morning... no reason to look forward into the day. I don't open much to anyone other than my sister. And I know she is trying her all to help me get through this but.... it's just not working.
I appreciate greatly and would love any advice on how I can fix these problems. Thank you for reading my problem and I hope I didn't bore you that much..