Lack of trust in you and me and everyone we know causing self esteem issues

by Billy
(Vancouver, Canada)

I can't trust myself. I can't even trust myself when it comes to deciding if I like bananas or if I don't. So I keep buying bunches of bananas that I never finish.

I grew up in a home that required you to be very self sufficient. I am a big advocate on eventually letting go of the blame that you place on your parents for having you turn out the way you are. That eventually you need to point that finger at yourself. But lately as I get deeper and deeper into my 20's I cant help but notice how my parents helped create the mess that I have become.

My mother in and out of abusive marriages suffered from self esteem issues, an eating disorder, and manic depression, as well as a drug addiction. She passed these habits down to me at a young age, unable to cope with emotions I used her tactics, starving myself for weeks, explosive temper tantrums, and leading myself willingly into toxic relationships. My self esteem is at an all time low, and as a result of this my every day relationships and interactions SUCK. Never having an example of a healthy or happy relationship I have suffered immensely in being prepared to handle "relationship situations".

There is no other way to put it. I can't trust my intuition with any decisions that I make. Currently in a relationship where infidelity was a problem we are working towards fixing it. Or should I say I am working towards fixing it. However, I'm stuck. I spend week days in a euphoric high where I believe everything is immaculate, that this can work and that we will finally get that chance of accomplishing a functioning and healthy relationship. But come the weekends where partying becomes a strong issue for my boyfriend, and it results in him spending time away from me. I get insecure and lost. Throwing temper tantrums and having rage black outs that result in damage to my home, or occasionally myself. I lack the ability to communicate in a level headed manner.

He doesn't understand though. He has never been cheated on, and me being his only and first relationship that lasted longer than a night, he doesn't quite understand the damage that he did when he made the decision to be with other women. To him he is so secure in this relationship and believes in himself and knows when he goes out that he will not cheat. He constantly has to reassure me, and he does. However, the things he says were the same things that he said during the times he was cheating on me. So they have lost the meaning and the safety that they once held, before "don't worry" was able to help me captivate the thoughts, where as now it sends me up the wall because it reminds me how he told me "don't worry, I love you" before he went out to sleep with someone else. the words and reassurance has lost the power they once held.

It's affecting all aspects of my life, I quit my job, and have dropped out of my friend groups because I'm so afraid of not having time to devote to him and keep him from cheating again. I'm so insecure where an eating disorder I conquered has come back rearing it's ugly head. Sober for a year, it is getting harder and harder to say no to the bottle. I'm just so angry at him every time he goes out because he has this confidence that I have given to him by loving him unconditionally and faithfully, and though he loves me, he hasn't given me that confidence and that security that a human being needs and requires in order to trust someone in a relationship. I get so upset that he is having fun, and that I cant even remember what is like to have fun without the painstaking heavy burden of his cheating.

He is a simple man, words aren't exactly his forte nor does he excel at being able to express his emotions in ways that I need him to. I know a lot of my insecurities and trust issues have to do with my past, and with former lovers. But I am sick and tired of blaming current lovers for past lovers mistakes. and though he has made his own. I need to know how to start to move past it, and how to explain to him how damaged I am due to his actions in ways he can understand.

What can I do to start the healing process

Comments for Lack of trust in you and me and everyone we know causing self esteem issues

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Lack of trust
by: Anonymous

After reading your letter, the first thing I would do is get some professional help. Get rid of the man in your life, and spend a long time caring about just you. You have to get yourself sorted out before you can have a relationship with anybody.

You have to stay away from distructive people in your life,if that includes,your mum,so be it.You only have one chance at life, and yours deserves to be happy too You seem to be going around in one destructive circle, so, you need to be with kind understanding people. I wish you well

Lack of trust.
by: Anonymous

If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, no wonder you are mixed up. You never had boundaries, you never knew where you were and also your mother had problems that she had never sorted out. Maybe you felt starved of attention, and love because she could not give it.
Now you have to work on yourself and it is not going to be easy. In other words you have to reinvent yourself and realise that you are worth something.
At the moment you are staying in a relationship which is not going anywhere fast and you are only there because you are frightened of leaving and having to face changes. You can get help and support to move on if you go out and look for it. Maybe counselling would help so that you have directions about making up your mind as to what you want.
It seems as though neither you or your partner really know what you want and where you want to go. You are only clinging to each other for want of something better for both of you.

Lack of trust in self and everyone
by: Kay

I agree that you have to put your past behind you as difficult as this is.

You do not appear to be happy in this relationship are you sure it is worth the time and energy you are putting into it? Your partner is making no effort to act responsibily towards you? You should to be taken out with him and not left behind each time he goes out. If he being unfaithful to you he canniot love you as he says because this is being totally disrespectful toward you.

You should get back to having a life of your own, do things that make you happy. If you are determined to work on this relationship even knowing he may be out partying and being unfaithful, then you have to not sit around and wonder what he is up to. Go out yourself, join clubs, go to night school, get some sort of hobby that brings you pleasure, something to look forward to. Make the effort to get a job, you need motivation in your life.

You are at a crossroad and you have to get through this, and the way to do this is by putting yourself first. Your thoughts are your own, and you have freedom on choice. Don't sit at home miserable, make yourself a life that brings happiness and peace of mind. If this means leaving the thoughtless man you are with at the moment, so be it.

I wish you happiness.


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