just... LIFE.

by Katie

Everything seems too tough to handle, too big of a hurdle. Too much effort. I'm so tired that I can't do all the things that I think would make me happy. Then I think the things that would make me happy are far too superficial, so I don't want to aim for them, then I feel guilty for even thinking they'd make me happy and that I'd achieve them anyway.

For instance, I want to be a size 8 again, I'm nearly a 12 now yet only 2 years ago I'd fit into size 8 jeans.. I know that it's just a matter of cutting out the rubbish from my diet, and doing exercise. But then I feel to tired to go to the gym, or can't afford it. I could do exercise at home, but always give up. And as for my diet, well when I crave something, I just can't not eat it. If I don't then I get annoyed and frustrated.

Another situation, is that as I aspire to be a musical theatre performer, my flexibility needs to be top notch. I know it's just a matter of stretching every day, but as I have a slight injury that can't be checked over by a physio for ages, I feel like I can't stretch, even though that's only one leg, and only affects box splits.

I have excuses for everything, then I start hating myself for that too. Looking back over what I've written, it feels like someone else is writing, I KNOW this isn't me, I used to be the happiest person ever, so confident and outgoing. Then *something* happened... but who knows what. But I'm not the same person I used to be and that's heartbreaking.