Jealousy of the past

by Diane

This probably sounds really silly, but is causing me a real problem. I have been married for over 25 years and my husband and I have a strong relationship.

There is one thing I am having difficulty with. He was engaged to this girl before he met me, but never told me. I found out a couple of years after we married. He blurted it out one night. I think he did this because he felt guilty about it. His timing was bad because I had a small baby and was suffering with post natal depression.

To make matters worse I found that my engagement ring had been hers. He had had the setting altered and felt that was o.k. I was so hurt. It made me feel second best. He says this is silly and I know he had the chance to go back to her when we were together and stayed with me.

Anyway over the years this cropped up whenever I felt low. We talked about it endlessly over the years with me questioning him constantly and I really thought I had worked through it because the terrible thoughts went away for years.

Now they are back in force and I am reliving every horrible moment. I am trying so hard to concentrate on the here and now, but these invasive thoughts keep getting in the way.

I have suffered with depression over the years and am going through a really bad patch. I have a good husband who I know thinks the world of me and I have had no reason to doubt him over all the time we have been together, but this one thing gets in the way.

I can't even say this persons name and call her every horrible name I can think of. This is not like me at all and I hate myself for being this way. I have been sleeping a lot as this is the only relief I seem to get.

Has anyone got any thoughts on anything that could help. I would be so grateful. I hate this feeling of being stuck in the past.

Comments for Jealousy of the past

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Negative thoughts
by: Kay

Hi Diane,

Thank you for contacting Positive Personal Growth.

What a pity you are dwelling on a past experience that can never be altered.

The important thing here is that you and your husband have a strong relationship. When you feel low, think about how much he loves you, and how he has shown his love since you first met.

The fact that he was engaged before he met you, or whatever he did before you met, really has nothing to do with you, just as your past before you met him and fell in love has nothing to do with him.

The past cannot be changed, but the future can be made stronger and more meaningful.

He is obviously a very thoughtful person. He changed the engagement ring to make it 'special to you' and this was his way of wiping his past with his previous girlfriend. I believe this makes the ring precious.

Concentrate only on the positive in your life. When you look back on past memories, make them the happy sharing and caring ones that you have spent with this man who loves you. Don't dwell on his past when you weren't in his life, this is pointless and brings you pain.

It is your own thoughts, and how you react to them, that causes your problem. Look to the future that you share with your husband, who chose, and still chooses, to be with you, because he loves you.

Focus on the love you share.

Good luck


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