I've gotten nowhere...
by Forever alone
I think I've struggled all my life with socializing. It's never been easy and I feel so alone sometimes. Recently I have blamed my career choice. I am a veterinarian and went through much school far from those whom I used to call friends. Now on the rare instances I see such former friends I am a stranger to them. Maybe we were never really friends. I hate that I did all this for myself - to myself really.
I hear so many complain that success will bring them happiness. Well that is a f*****g lie. I am a god damned doctor, I make 90 k a year saving animals lives, and yet I am miserable, alone and buried in debt. I would trade it all for friends, someone to love and being surrounded by people who care. I am 30 years old, have never been in a real relationship cannot remember the last time I Made a real new friend. I feel so bitter and hate filled when I look in the mirror at what I see staring back at me.
I feel you can only be cared for and loved when you are physically attractive. I am short, with a slender build, cannot gain muscle for shit, losing my hair, have crooked horrid teeth and cannot fathom anyone finding me attractive. It is all consuming and has made me want to kill myself - I have stared at my fathers gun, wanting to use it but I want my parents not to see me with a gaping hole in my head in thier house. So I am at a loss, feeling like I can gain nothing from life and this is how things will be. You should know that success means nothing without love in your life - it is empty, hollow and dark.
I don't know how to make things better. I don't think things will ever change. I wish I was someone better than me...