Im sick of my life, I hate it

by Jay

Iv been depressed for the past year or more. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, I guess it's to try get somethings off my chest. I'll try keep it as sort as possible but still give the major details about my life.

I'm a 19 year old boy and I have a big problem when when it comes to trusting people, men especially. My father left when I was very young and my only memories of him are of him hitting me or my mother. She eventually got another boyfriend who never hit my mother but used to do it to me when she wasn't around to see, he would go into my room and steal everything even the batteries from the remote for my TV just to try annoy me and cause a fight.

The only other man ive ever had in my life was my cousin who is a few years older than me but after a series of stupid arguments we don't talk any more. Growing up we were never that poor and despite the things I just told you I was a happy child. I had lots of friends. In school I was kind of the class clown I never paid attention to the teachers, I was one of the "cool" kids and got on well with most of my classmates.
This repetition of being beat up, hated in my own home and bottling up all my emotions for the sake of my friends carried on till about two or three years ago when my mother finally realized what was going on and broke up with her boyfriend but at this point they had two children together who I love dearly. After the break up I was put under a lot of pressure and was even blamed for it a few times. My youngest brother now slips up on occasions and call me daddy because I'm the closest thing to a father he has. I know that isn't anything to complain about its just added pressure for whats to come.

A year ago while out with friends I had a bad experience with drugs. We were just back from a night out in which I felt left out and ignored all night. Everyone was sitting around talking but barely a word was said to me for hour until everyone's attention seem to be on me. It felt like they were all talking about me but just wouldn't say it directly to me. Its hard to explain and they all put it down to paranoia from the drugs but to this day I still feel like it was me they where talking about. Eventually I let it go though and haven't touched drugs since.

Everything seemed back to normal until it happened again this time with no drugs involved. Of course they put it down to paranoia again but its been happening on and off for the past year. I was recently told by a friend that it wasn't paranoia and they were doing it to make me feel bad and not only that but they spread it to other groups of people to get them in on it as well.

I feel abandoned, angry and very upset. These are the people I trusted, they where suppose to be my friends. Now I don't trust anyone and can't have a proper conversation without feeling paranoid. Ive now pushed away all my other friend by doing stupid things because I don't want to get hurt again but now that I'm alone I'm hurting more than ever. I tried to kill myself by overdosing but realized half way through that my family still need me and just ended up in hospital because of it.

Now everyday I sit at home alone I feel like I'm wasting away. My self-pity and depression has taken over my life. I have no motivation to do anything. I know I'm a good person but I think ive gone past the point of no return. I feel like I'll never be happy or trust anyone again. I don't know what to do. I need help but I don't have that type of relationship with my mother that I could just open up to her, we never even talked about my attempted suicide its like once I left the hospital she forgot about it.

I just want to be normal and happy.
I want to be able to trust people and have friends again...

Thank you to anyone who took time to read this I deeply appreciate it and I apologize for any grammatical errors.

Comments for Im sick of my life, I hate it

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sick of my life
by: Anonymous

When is it getting easier for me. im 43 now. I was totally in love with a girl for 3 years when she finished with me took over 5 years to get over her. I started to see some one 2 half years ago, the sweetest thing to have ever come in to my life. I didn't show her the love she so dearly craved from me and she also had come from not the best home life.

I started to feel love for this lovely girl only this year she supported me so much emotionally. I lost my job she was suffering depression she gave up work, debts spiraled.

She has always been a quiet withdrawn girl. Things were so tough at home she tried to commit suicide. I carried her to the car drove to hospital. I watched her stop breathing twice.

Every one look at what you have, not what you want. I'm sat here crying my eyes out, she has gone to visit her parents in another country. She hasn't seen them for ten years.

I love this girl so much and hope by the time she returns in February 2012 she will be better and I have a good income. I'm going to give my life to this lovely lovely person.

I know how you feel
by: Bindiya

I know how it feels to feel like you've been isolated and life has just slipped out of your hands. You're not alone. You sound like a really good guy.

Everyone makes some mistakes. Your friends sound like bullies, you should get new ones who understand you. I know how that is. I've been on a site where I was bullied, I had a couple 'friends' betray me too. A few of them who I considered friends kiss up to a bully on this RP so I unofficially quit the RP.

I also know how it feels to have no one to talk to. My mother prefers screaming & jumping to conclusions than listening sometimes. And I always feel belittled in my home. My dad is the only person who would listen but I don't know how to bring up my problems of lack of self confidence. I feel that every little mistake I make or when I don't fit in, I'm a lesser being.

You just have to trust in God (or whatever you believe in) and have faith in yourself again. Here's a quote I like: "Don't let anyone have any power over you unless you permit it. Your time is too precious to be sacrificed in wasted days combating the menial forces of hate, jealously, and envy. Guard your fragile life carefully. Only God can shape a flower, but any foolish child can pull it to pieces.?

im here for you, brother
by: mark

I don't know you so well but I feel the same way. I experienced a lot of pain as well when I was young especially when nobody is looking after you and you grew up with your grandmother. I'm not saying that that they are bad, they are wonderful and kind to me but the problem there is that I did not grow up in a normal family like having a brother and sister. I fought for my feelings and trust God. My email is (For safety reasons I am not prepared give email addresses) and from this point you have a friend that you can trust. Lets help each other for life. email me and keep in touch brother.

Dont let people bother you
by: Jane

You sound like a good person look how your little brother called you Dad. I know you are worried for your siblings but you don't know what is round the corner. You are only 19 put everything behind you could have a good career in social work as you have had the experiences yourself and sound caring.

My kids only told me last year that someone I trusted to take care of them when they were little had abused them. It is hurting me so much and it must be the same for your mum.

I am so sorry it has happened to you/ as for your silly mates rise above it there is no fun in taking the p/// if you don't care a sh//. I know what it is like being sensitive. There are good people in this world the others are the losers.
Hope you will feel good soon.


I am sick of my life, I hate it.
by: Anonymous

You are only 19, you have a lot of life ahead of you yet. At the moment you do not know where to go.
Circumstances can and will change, you will find friends you can relate to, what has happened to you has alienated you that you feel you cannot feel close to anyone.
Just go out there, take each day as it comes and find even some little thing to look forward to.
Take stock of any good things about your life, look at what talents you have and use them to your advantage.
The majority of people go through dark phases in life and maybe yours has come about sooner but do not give up hope, there is a life out there and people you will be able to relate to. Maybe you might have to move away from home and go somewhere people will take you at face value

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