Im sick of my life, I hate it
Iv been depressed for the past year or more. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, I guess it's to try get somethings off my chest. I'll try keep it as sort as possible but still give the major details about my life.
I'm a 19 year old boy and I have a big problem when when it comes to trusting people, men especially. My father left when I was very young and my only memories of him are of him hitting me or my mother. She eventually got another boyfriend who never hit my mother but used to do it to me when she wasn't around to see, he would go into my room and steal everything even the batteries from the remote for my TV just to try annoy me and cause a fight.
The only other man ive ever had in my life was my cousin who is a few years older than me but after a series of stupid arguments we don't talk any more. Growing up we were never that poor and despite the things I just told you I was a happy child. I had lots of friends. In school I was kind of the class clown I never paid attention to the teachers, I was one of the "cool" kids and got on well with most of my classmates.
This repetition of being beat up, hated in my own home and bottling up all my emotions for the sake of my friends carried on till about two or three years ago when my mother finally realized what was going on and broke up with her boyfriend but at this point they had two children together who I love dearly. After the break up I was put under a lot of pressure and was even blamed for it a few times. My youngest brother now slips up on occasions and call me daddy because I'm the closest thing to a father he has. I know that isn't anything to complain about its just added pressure for whats to come.
A year ago while out with friends I had a bad experience with drugs. We were just back from a night out in which I felt left out and ignored all night. Everyone was sitting around talking but barely a word was said to me for hour until everyone's attention seem to be on me. It felt like they were all talking about me but just wouldn't say it directly to me. Its hard to explain and they all put it down to paranoia from the drugs but to this day I still feel like it was me they where talking about. Eventually I let it go though and haven't touched drugs since.
Everything seemed back to normal until it happened again this time with no drugs involved. Of course they put it down to paranoia again but its been happening on and off for the past year. I was recently told by a friend that it wasn't paranoia and they were doing it to make me feel bad and not only that but they spread it to other groups of people to get them in on it as well.
I feel abandoned, angry and very upset. These are the people I trusted, they where suppose to be my friends. Now I don't trust anyone and can't have a proper conversation without feeling paranoid. Ive now pushed away all my other friend by doing stupid things because I don't want to get hurt again but now that I'm alone I'm hurting more than ever. I tried to kill myself by overdosing but realized half way through that my family still need me and just ended up in hospital because of it.
Now everyday I sit at home alone I feel like I'm wasting away. My self-pity and depression has taken over my life. I have no motivation to do anything. I know I'm a good person but I think ive gone past the point of no return. I feel like I'll never be happy or trust anyone again. I don't know what to do. I need help but I don't have that type of relationship with my mother that I could just open up to her, we never even talked about my attempted suicide its like once I left the hospital she forgot about it.
I just want to be normal and happy.
I want to be able to trust people and have friends again...
Thank you to anyone who took time to read this I deeply appreciate it and I apologize for any grammatical errors.