I'm pretty screwed up

by Kevin Kevinson
(California)

I'm pretty screwed up.

That summarizes it. But that statement is accurate. I don't really know why, or at least I'm not sure.

But I do know one thing: I want to improve.
Why am I writing this? Because I want to get healthy and live.
I'm hoping that somehow this blog will help me.
I would like this to help others as well.
And hopefully this will document my journey.
I hope and pray that someone will read this and help me.

Here's a list of what I mean.
I'm not really sure what's wrong. And I don't really know how to label it.
So here it all is.
Hopefully someone can make sense of this and tell me what is going on and how to fix it.
It is in no particular order and I'm not exaggerating or overstating things.
I plan to expound on some of these in greater detail in other posts.

I self-destruct everything.
I'm 50 years old and the longest that I've held any job has been 3 years.
I've moved a lot. Especially when I was growing up.
I went to 9 schools before graduating high school.
I went to 4 colleges and 2 grad schools.
The longest that I have ever lived in one house was 5 years.
I moved 8 times to different and distant towns between New England and San Diego.
I cannot count how many cars I've had, literally.

My parents treated me badly.
They said, and I quote, verbatim, "If I had to do it over again, I never would have had you kids".
It was said to me, without my siblings being nearby. It was said to me alone.
My parents have stolen money and property from me, quite literally. Money and property was left to me by a late rich relative. They took the money from me, and I wasn't about to fight for it. This happened twice with two different relatives 10 years apart.
I was in a car accident and received a meager settlement in my early 20's. My parents told me that I had to give them half so that they could pay back the medical insurance company, as was required by law. Lie. I didn't know, so I paid them and they took it.
There's a bunch more there and some of it is quite horrible.

I'm bi-polar... or it sure looks like bi-polar.
My manic-ey side can be grouchy, cutting, and filled with rage.
On the depressive side, I lay on the bed and watch hours of Netflix in a row.
I can feel this flip so quickly sometimes. Like someone flipped a switch.

I have songs that get stuck in my head for days.
I open my eyes in the middle of the night and BAM there it is. Bob Marley, Jerry Garcia, etc. singing inside my head, just like they were when I went to bed.
Usually the same portion of a verse over and over.

I get horrifying thoughts that run through my mind. Things that just won't happen.
Like picturing myself working under a car and having it collapse on me.

I find myself counting as I do things.
I hear that some of these things are under the realm of obsessive/compulsive.

I often re-create or remember conversations from the past and play them over and over again.
"Playing the tapes" again and again.

I run unlikely scenarios in my mind, preparing for random fictional events.

I'm unkind and speak caustically to my tremendous wife and son.
I do NOT deserve them. I clearly know that.
God knows why they stay with me.

I'm combative. Sometimes I look for the arguement. And I tend to be an overly sentimental pack rat.

I work, in part, as a consultant. Part time as a waiter. Part time as a guy who flips cars.

Yet, I'm smart. And I have been genuinely helpful to the non-profits that I work with in my consulting firm.
I am a committed supporter of my "cause of choice".
I've seen great and measurable success with the organizations that hire me.
Yet, I quit. I give up. I stopped trying to get accounts.
I have leads of those who want to talk to me. Yet I don't contact them. Some have said just get me a proposal and we'll get started.
Others have sent proposals to me and all I had to do was sign it, and I didn't and with no reason (not because of anything in the contract at all).

I know what needs to be done, and I don't do it.

I avoid reality as much as possible.
I hide behind the computer and accomplish nothing.
Certainly I could accomplish something, but I choose not to.

I'm critical of others.

I hate myself.

I don't like to see my face in the mirror or in a reflection.

I have some narcissistic tendencies, but some don't fit.

I can be a real jerk.

I've been hurt.
I've been hurt badly.
And I've been hurt a lot.
My first wife left me for my best friend.
I never have friends for very long. And he was my best friend for probably a year. He was a mess and he didn't care that he was, and he was really an unappealing guy, with no prospects, and with no money.
Yet, she left me for him.
I have a full-term, still born, son buried not far from here.
I lost my house to foreclosure and when I probably could have done something about it, I didn't.
I was greatly awarded in my employment and then fired in a horrible way 6 months later.
I had a very significant roll in helping to grow an institution, doubling it in 2 years and increasing financial stability significantly... and then was fired.
I've been shunned by community members who run in the same circles with me.
I've had previous employers speak badly about me to potential new employers (who had told me that they wanted to hire me as long as my references checked out).

I have a bad reputation among many. Many try to avoid me.

And I say "I" too much. Perhaps here in this blog it is appropriate. Since it is about me and trying to fix "me".

But I do have some good spots. People like me... at first.
Well, the ones that I'm nice to.
I can win people over quickly but then cannot keep going for long.

In my latest job as a waiter, I have managed to remain upbeat and positive with everyone that I work with. I mean every single person associated with the company. The dishwashers, cooks, management, hostesses, bussers, and management. They all love me, and they would say that they do. I'm not being delusional, they really would say that. How I behave at work and how I treat my co-workers has been beautiful. I have helped in the building of a team and the high esprit d'corps is in a large part because of my examples. I'm the oldest employee at 50 with the vast number of employees being in their early to mid-20's. I stand out so I try to set the example.
But I'm beginning to falter. I have started to self-destruct and I see it. I'm thinking seriously about quitting before I do.

I have burnt many bridges.

I want to run away and hide. There are times where I really just want to be very far away from everybody. I've considered solo sailing long distances, living in the desert, living in a remote mountain home.

My mind never stops. It is constantly bouncing from one idea to the next.
I'd say for sure that I am ADHD and that I have dyslexia.

I'm critical of everything.

I tend to be to be an "extremist" saying things like, Always and Never.

I'm forgetful. Seriously forgetful. Like serious short term memory loss.

I've been on lots of medication for mental health.
In total I've been on more than eleven pharmaceuticals, I can remember the names of that many but I know there were a couple more. I've been on multiple combinations many times. The most was with five different pills at the same time. And a handful of natural alternatives. Right now I am on one mood stabilizer and I take 10mg of marijuana twice a day in an exact edible. Research how small a dose of 10mg is, it's a wonder it works but it does help and it barely gets me high at all and not for long. But it seems like having it in my system helps. My wife and son both think so.

Right now, I am in the best place that I have been in. This combination of meds has really helped a lot. It has brought me to the point where I can see myself as I am.
So, this is me at my best ever right now.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to die. I wanted something to kill me.

So, like I said. I'm pretty screwed up.

Note: Your great website encouraged me to write this. This is the first posting that I just wrote on a brand new blog I created today. You motivated me. I'm hoping that it will help somehow. If anyone might want to read it, the address is:

ajourneyforkevin@blogspot.com

I am concerned that I'll get in trouble for posting that address but I'm just trying to get help. If there is a place to blog here, I'd be happy to.

Comments for I'm pretty screwed up

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I'm pretty s rewed up
by: Anonymous

It is no wonder that you feel screwed up when you have never had stability or a life to feel your own. In other words that you have been programmed so badly as a child with moving from place to place that you do not know where you are. There is hope though, you can take steps to re programme yourself to what you want to be, it will take help and it will take time but it can be done and each step that you are able to take, you will feel better and lighter.
You can start by making small changes to your life, Rome cannot be conquered in a day. Each day have something to look forward to even if it is just a cup of coffee somewhere with a friend. There are people out there who can help and you will find them. You do not have to accept anyone's valuation of you if they tend to make you feel worthless. No one is worthless.

I am pretty screwed up.
by: Anonymous

You have not got this on your own. There are many people out there trying to deal with their own problems.

The programming given to you by your parents have made you feel worthless and incapable and unwanted. They had hang ups of their own given by their own parents, and by various forebears which has come down to you.

Basically you are capable of much more and that you will be able to get your life back on track away from the people who have put you down and made you feel even more worthless. Nobody is that, everyone is capable of something but it will take time to reprogramme yourself which you are quite capable of doing.

Try to find the help that you need to overcome this and it is out there with people who will not pass judgement on you but can see what positive qualities that you have.

Self Criticism
by: Anonymous

Pheew! You sound as though you are a prisoner within your own mind. As you say you are very smart, and also very honest with yourself, to have made all these observations about who you are. Your parents were rotten to you. My husband's parents were similar to him, stole from him,and singled him out for this treatment, and treated his siblings normally. He luckily joined the Navy,and got away from them.
He still has self esteem issues, but hides them well.
You do seem to have a self destruct action. There is one thing being honest with yourself ,and another hating yourself.
You, yourself, say that you have got good points, and suspect you have more good than bad points. Your past has done this to you, and now in the present,as an adult, you are now responsible for yourself. You already must know that you know what made you like this. The only thing you need the past for now is to get to any roots of what happened, and deal with them one by one. Go on the internet or find someone professional to explain why this or that can have a devistating affect on your potential happier life.
I think you are losing interest in everthing you are doing because you need to deal with you. Please stop hating yourself, because you know that cant be true. A mind is like a computer, and will act on anything that is fed into it. You are 50 years old so you have had quite a few years of pulling yourself down. Why not do just the opposite? I am middle aged, and the issues I had as a child eventually caught up with me,and I had to deal with them. Knowledge is power. I know all about self esteem these days, or lack of it. Depression certainly does come back and forth when you have an underlying problem that has not been dealt with. Why don't you imagine your head as a room that needs a good clean out, sweep all the negativaty out close the door on it, and ONLY accept positive thoughts, they are the only ones to be allowed in. I'm not sure if Marijuana is the answer, it can calm you down, but prolonged use can be harmful to your mental health.
The only thing you should concentrate on is knowing that none of this was your fault, a baby is not born with self esteem or any other issues, but close members of the family can bring them to you. I know. Start, from today, that this can be the start of the rest of your life, that you can and will love yourself. People in your Family robbed you of it and now you're going to get it back.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

Screwed up
by: Kay

Thank you. I am grateful you have said my website has helped you. I wish you success with your blog.

Your past has not been good, but I feel you are working your way through in a very determined way and because you believe you will succeed you will.

I read that you go to counseling and are on meds, which is great because you are trying to get well. It's important that you realise you have a problem and you do.

What I want to say to you is that what I feel is missing in your life is self love. You said that you hate looking at yourself in the mirror, and I would like to suggest that this is something that you do - often. As difficult as I know it is going to be, look at yourself in the mirror and say "I love you" say it even though initially you don't mean it. You should say "I love myself" often throughout the day.

You have to love yourself or you aren't going to be happy with your life. Your self talk is of paramount importance. Your thoughts make your reality. You have to start thinking loving thoughts about yourself. I am happy, I am confident, I am a good person, I am strong, I am determined, I have value, I am special, I am important, I believe in myself, I can do it. These are a few affirmations to help you build up the strength and confidence that will enable you to feel worthwhile.

I recommend that you stop focusing on the past, let it go, it doesn't serve you at all and only brings you down each time you think about what has happened, what should have happened, but didn't. What you focus on becomes your reality and so you are bringing back the unhappiness and anger each time you dwell on the past. It's not good for you and can be soul destroying.

Instead live in the now, understand that your thoughts become your reality, you have unhappy, angry thoughts and this is how you are. Look towards the future, change your thoughts into strong positive ones, love yourself, stay determined to change and focus only on what brings you joy. Maybe not much at first, but don't give in. Within you is a wonderful, caring human being just waiting to emerge. I believe this is so and when you believe in yourself it will be.

I admire the effort you are making. Stay stong and you will change how you are.

Love
Kay

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