I'm fed up with being me
I'm 16 year old girl, don't really like much about myself apart from my talent of acting. I do have friends, some of whom i've been close with for so long, but yet they get on my nerves so I occasionally bitch about them.
Unfortunately I think it's due to me going through a roller coaster of a life and realising reality. When yet they are so naive to little things, and have humour of 10 year olds. I feel bad about talking about them, because they are lovely I'm just too moody. Throughout my life I've been through many struggles which have made me the person I hate being. Don't get me wrong I've had some of the most perfect memories, some that I will cherish for as long as they hold. But instead of making me happy, they just make me miss the old me even more.
Firstly at the age of five my parents divorced, I never knew really what was going on, but I can just remember my brothers hiding me away from the abusive arguments. Even now I get told different stories on who's the bad guy, whether it's my dad making everyone miserable or my mum taking everything he had. I don't really know what to think any more, as it's all so confusing. My parents both dealt with it very differently, which both affected me negatively. My mum went out a lot in evenings, never really spend much time with her, but when I did I was so content and happy. My dad well he apparently "never had any money" so even at the age of five he would tell me his money problems to which he thought I'd understand. Some nights I stayed up all night worrying about whether he'd become homeless. He then did eventually meet someone who is now my step mother. At first I thought she was perfect couldn't do a thing wrong, bought me lots of presents and took my horse riding. But as I got older I started to see her true colours, she would take in advantage of my naivety to find out information to tell my dad. She used to tell me how horrible my mum was, and that I shouldn't forgive her the pain she brought. Things just grew worse and worse, she started making me feel horrible about myself when I was 13, making me think I was ugly, stupid and should have no motivation. And unfortunately I believed her, and in some ways I still do. She has said some wicked things, stuff I can never forgive her for. But it would be selfish if I tried to do anything about it, as it could potentially break up the family. This is part of the reason whyIi'm so low, and this all still happens.
Secondly this is the thing that has affected me the most, realised how valuable people are, how valuable he was. My brother died at the age of 16 when I was 10. It still hasn't sunk in. He died of a hit and run, though that night he died on was probably the best day he's ever had. I remember that day so clearly, I feel I jinxed the situation. The last thing I ever said to him was "go away" and that was exactly the thing he did, it makes me feel sick to the stomach, something I'll never be able to forgive myself for. He was the light and soul in my house, even at my dads he would make things positive. He always made jokes, he was the one person I could never stay angry at. I took him for granted, and only now am I so grateful for the things he has taught me. Now that he's gone, I feel like I live in a parallel world to what I should be. He's not just missing, but so many other things are too, no one in my family seems to be happy anymore. We get the rare occasions but something bad always seems to have happened. I feel as if I will never be able to break free from it. So this is another thing for why I've forgotten to be confident and happy with myself.
Lastly this is the last reason why I really hate myself. This summer holiday I was in a summer production, was a lead role, for once things were perfect. I made new friends, and I met a boy. He was one of the first boys that has ever really took intrest in me. Within two weeks of knowing each other we stupidly got into a relationship without thinking about things practically. Everything was so rushed, we hardly knew each other but the stuff we did do, felt like we've been together for years. Regrettably I got intermate with him too quickly, but I am still virgin. So I really put alot of trust and thought into him, I was so gullible enough to think I loved him and he loved me. Then one day an hour before we met up, he rang me up explaining he thinks we're better of as friends. I lost all of my respect for him, as i thought he cared about enough to wait an hour to talk things through. So i exploded sent one horrible text, and the rest was i was trying to have closure. No reply. 2 weeks later i was still screwed as i didn't know why he ended it with me, so I had a rant, and my bestfriend had sent him a hate mail without me knowing. Got a text later that day, saying he wasn't even trying to dump me, he thought due to him being away alot it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. Which i thought was such a valid reason, which then i became needy and started to try and get in contact with. I just so desperatly wanted to explain, that my insecurities made me presume things which then i reacted to. Overall i'm dramatic, get attached too easily, try to look my best doesn't seem to work out, have way too much pity on myself, and i'm just moody and boring.
These are the reasons why I think i'm like this, I feel if i would do things differently i would be a different person. I just hope and pray with all my might i'll get out of this habit.