I hate my life
I'm only 14, but I hate my life. I live in Maryland and I go to an all girls private school. This past year was my first year there, it really wasn't that great. I did make friends quickly, but I had a lot of hardships.
Before I came to this school, I was relatively smart and well-rounded. Well, the first month at my new school, I got suspended for drinking. I'm not a bad kid at all, I just became friends with the wrong people and at this one party we were drinking and someone there told another person and so on. Anyway the school found out, told my parents and my parents raised hell. I never really had gotten in trouble before that but they were mad, and shocked. I got a 3 day in school suspension along with 2 other girls. It was bad, but I got through it. during all this, my grades were dropping along with my self esteem.
My parents hate me, completely. my mom tells me she can't wait until I move out. My dad tells me I'm screwed up and that I need to pray more.. little does he know I don't even believe in God. They both just find things wrong with me and attack me. Just the other day I had to go to the seniors graduation at my school, we all had to wear white dresses. My mom (being the last minute person she is) got me a dress 10 minutes before I had to be at the school. I hated the dress, it was hideous. I was mad and upset that she had gotten it so last minute. I know I sound like a brat but I was already having a bad day. I acted on impulse and cut a ruffle off of the bottom of the dress. It looked 10x better. I guess it wasn't the right thing to do, but I wasn't thinking about right and wrong. Anyway apparently it was a huge deal to my parents. They both came to my room, yelled and screamed at me about how I'm unworthy, an a**hole, jealous, unappreciative, brat and thief. they started making fun of some of my friends who are over weight, again little do they know that all these friends hate me now for no reason, but that's a different story. Anyway they went on and I tried my hardest not to cry, because I didn't want to show any weakness, but I broke down and both of them started to laugh at me. They laughed until I couldn't breathe from crying so hard, then left - along with the dress.
I just hate my life so much, it may not seem that bad, but I don't know what to do with myself anymore, there are so many other instances with my parents - like when my mom took my phone out of my hand and read my texts with my boyfriend aloud, then forced me to break up with him over the phone while she was listening - and also when my dad told me I wasn't allowed to be friends with one of my best friends for no reason. Then called her dad and told him that we were no longer allowed to speak. She told everyone and now I have absolutely no one. I'm not happy and the only things that make me happy are guys and alcohol. I'm afraid I'm going to turn into my mom, who is an alcoholic and addicted to crack. There are so many more things going on.
My health is bad and my grades are awful. My parents threaten to pull me out of this school and send me away. sometimes I wish they would because I cant stand them anymore. They love my three younger siblings so much, it's not fair. I have no one - actually no one to talk to. I have no self control and questionable morals. I hate my life so much. I would way rather just be dead. It's not fair I'm tired of it, all of it. of being yelled at for being myself, for losing my friends, for feeling ugly and dumb, I'm tired of being made fun of for my turrets. I'm tired of being called slut whore skank etc. I'm tired of my parent's loving my siblings more then me, and I'm most of all tired of hurting, of the pain I feel when I see my "friends" go to parties together and knowing I wasn't invited, of coming home to something that I didn't know I did wrong and being scolded for it. I'M TIRED OF MY LIFE. I want to end it all so bad. I'm just beyond done. no one understands