I am stuck in a loop. My motivation is gone.

by Aaron J.
(Canada)

I am 29 years old male, living on my own. My motivation is gone.

I dropped out of high school after flunking grade 11. I was doing a lot of drugs at the time in order to escape the reality I was in. I was a straight A student before that, a total nerd. I was bullied A LOT because I was so smart and slowly, but surely, society pushed me out. I skipped and finally quit.

A few years later I sprained my back, really bad. I was misdiagnosed and told I would be fine in 2 weeks. They were wrong. I went through 18 months of feeling like 90 year old man and progressively got to the stage it is now. Since I was misdiagnosed there is no record of my injury nor have I been able to get a doctor to take me seriously. They say and I quote, " You are too young to have back problems." YA NO CRAP!!! You have no idea what it is like living with chronic pain everyday of your freaking life until you have had it. I think almost everyday about offing myself just for that reason alone.

Regardless of the pain I am still in, I am a Tradesman. Its what I grew up with and have been taught over the past 8 years. My body hurts but I still go out there with the big boys and flip houses. I am at the point now though that my body is ready to give up. The money is great so I am having a hard time letting the trade go but between my back, knees I know the end is drawing near.

My mom has been telling me to go back to school ever since I dropped out. In my mind I don't want to go back to school. I dropped out for a reason and I still haven't dealt with those issues and just the thought of doing it again scares the crap out of me. I know in order for me to get on with my life I need to go back to school, but I have been out of it for so long that I don't even know how to learn anymore nor do I even have a clue what to take. I still don't know what I want to be when I "grow up," mainly because I have never really had to think that far ahead. I live for NOW. I can't see past tomorrow nor have I ever..

Right now I have all these people telling me what to do, that I have to go to school, but I am so down that I don't know where to start. I can tell that I am avoiding it. Is that what the problem is? Am I so depressed that I can't think my way out of it?? I AM trying "to do" but I am so messed up.

I am scared. I am almost 30 and will soon not have a career. I can't see a way out of this, well a logical one. I need a shrink or a gun.... or a hope.. or some help to get my motivation back that I had in High School.

How do I straighten up my head!!!!?? How do I get back into wanting to move forward with my life and stop living like the day I dropped out of high school. My thought process is still the same as back then. It's like time stopped and I am stuck in this loop and I can't get out of it!!!! I wish I could express what is going on in my head!! I hope you can draw a picture from what I have told you.