I am lost

by C

I'm 23. I live at home, currently looking for work. I dropped out of college recently because of depression, indecision, and lack of motivation. Basically what happened was I just got lazy in college. I was uninterested in the work and the lectures. I ended up doing poorly and changing majors 3 times. 4 years later I have a busted up looking transcript, no degree and plenty of debt.

During college, I met and got engaged to my now ex-fiance. We were together for 4 years, engaged for 2. I think she left because I was becoming less motivated and more indecisive about my future. I guess she didn't want to be dragged down by the fact that I may not graduate college and will end up working a dead end job. She was really all that was keeping me together and I love her dearly. We had an apartment and 2 cats together. She left me a little over a year ago, but I am even more depressed than I was when she first left me. I haven't really dated anyone, nor do I want to right now.

I've been to therapy, tried medication, etc and I'm always at square one. I contemplate suicide on a daily basis and honestly believe it is only a matter of time until I'm gone. When I'm not out looking for a job, I'm usually sitting at home, staring at a turned off TV screen for hours just thinking about what a failure I am, and how I could've done things differently.

The one thing I know I want in life I can't have, and everything else I'm just confused about. I don't know what my career is going to be and my dream job is highly unrealistic. I'd like to open up a MMJ dispensary here in NJ (it IS legal here now), but I doubt anyone would take me seriously. For those of you who don't, MMJ really helped my brother through his battle with brain cancer. It eased his pain immensely, and gave him an appetite so he could eat (his weight was dangerously low).

But I digress. The guilt of living off of my parents is starting to really sink in as well. No one is hiring, and it's been very frustrating. My very existence is a waste of my parents' money so I feel like I'd be better off dead and not being a burden to anyone anymore. It's not like I have a job to go to, or a relationship to look forward to.

The only thing I find solace in anymore is music, which I also produce. I love to make music, but I don't know if it's enough to keep me sane and happy. I was so used to my life with my ex that I just felt lost when she left. I don't really know how to function properly anymore. I don't really take care of myself like I used to. I don't work out anymore. I spend entire days in bed because I know if I wake up, I'll just feel depressed and suicidal for the rest of the day.

I rarely hang out with friends or leave the house anymore. I'm becoming more and more of a recluse. I try so hard to see a future for myself but I just see an empty black space. The only thing keeping me from acting on my suicidal thoughts is my cat (sad, I know). He is really all I have left from my previous relationship. I've never seen such unconditional love and support from a cat, of all pets. I don't think I could forgive myself if I left him alone. I don't want to put my parents and brother through that pain either. But I don't know if I want to keep living like this. Giving up is such a tempting and easy option.

I take full responsibility for the situation I am in, but I'm starting to care less and less, and just want an end to it.

Comments for I am lost

Click here to add your own comments

I am lost
by: Anonymous

Hello C, I think you have been on a downward spiral,and finding it difficult to get back up,because thats the only way you can go now.

I think some people just like you have gone,through a similar thing in their life. I did. Just about everything thing that can,has gone wrong in yourlife.You are depressed, and need to get your mood lifted. You need to get medication, but also you need to get a sympathetic ear to listen to you,without judgement.

OK, you said you were lazy in College, Was there something that made you so unmotivated? Your brother was ill then?

You,seem to be on in a vicious circle of guilt, grieving over a lost relationship, your brother, and the depression that followed it all. Put in your place now,I would be,thinking( and did) that life is NOT going to cheat me out of any happiness. I like anyone else,deserve it. What does not kill me will make me stronger. Please do not give up on yourself. One christmas I spent entirely on my own, I was pretty depressed, and hoping I would not wake up every morning. The thing is, you dont want company when you are like that. But that little seed of hope inside me, that life was not going to cheat me, kept getting bigger and bigger. I started to get my problems sorted out one by one. I got medication to lift my mood,( I hate tablets) and was off them as soon as was able.

The amazing thing about life is, that NOTHING stays the same forever, every little step you take, takes you closer to the life you should be having. Get to the doctors sort out a job, and NEVER give up trying. Get the mindset that whatever obstacle is put in your way, you will get under it,over it,sidestep it until you get where you want to go. You will be thinking, I can never feel like that,yes you can, I'm here to prove it! Maybe you might not get your girl back, but there are lots of girls out there that deserve your love. Tell your parents how good they have been, and make plans to get that career started.

Truly, there is a place for you in Society. And yes, you can make it. My mother had Polio when I was a baby,and I never saw such determination as she had with 3 under 5 year olds.

I am lost
by: Anonymous

Look around you, you are not the only one who feels lost, there are thousands of others who feel that way.
You can work out of this, it will take time, at the moment you have lost your way but you can find it. You feel as though you are up against a shut door.

Very few people get through life without some hassles and feeling that it is just too hard to make a way.
There will be someone else who feels like that near you, seek them out and see if you can do something to comfort and to help them. It is so easy to feel that everything is against you but maybe it is what you are perceiving at the moment. Has someone made you feel worthless? Look for another person who can see a lot of good in you. Have you a friend or family member who can do this. One day a ray of light will shine through and you will be on your way.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Personal Growth.