I am confused
I am desperate. I feel empty and I am scared. "Fear is Love standing upside down". And all I do in life is fear. I guess I hate myself.
I come from a very wealthy background. But for my dad every person is either a contributor to society or a parasite. I don't know when it happened, but this black and white drawing now also governs my mind. It has become one of my core values.
I have a Masters in Media. But then I never wanted to work in this field. I just can't sit behind a computer screen. I fled to India and learned all about vedic knowledge, meditation and yoga while living and working in an Ashram.
There I decided to become a Psychologist. I had always wanted to work with people.
On my journey I met a therapist who offered me an assistant job for a half a year. I loved it. But my fears never left me. I decided to move to London to do a special Bachelors in Psychology, which only takes 1,5 years. I though that everything was good now. That I had found my calling.
Then again: the fears arose. Fears of exams. Fears of failure. Self hate. At the moment I am in the middle of my exam session and I just feel fear and self-hate. I want to cut myself, I want to hurt myself. My heart is pounding irregularly, because due to all this fear in my life, I had developed a heart problem at 28! My soul cries.
I cant go on like that.
Thanks for listening. Love