How I Realised

by Denise
(Pomona, CA )

I always thought why was I born different, what's my reason for being here, that it would be better if I was gone. When I was small I was in my parents room, all alone and then my mind started to wonder and realised the fear of my world. I was going to have to grow, my school life,having a job if I even was capable of living out in the world, being able to have a family and lastly what scared me most, death. I didn't know what was to come after that, the fear of everything going black.

I thought by myself and then I went back to being a child, I hated when it was quiet cause then I started to think. It was a problem that I had a lot of creativity, but it was my ecsape, happinese,and my fear.

The first time I went to school it was as if I was seeing the world, I didn't know much, it was a problem I knew people thought me as annoying but I couldn't do anything. All my life I only lived on this thought "As long as everyone is happy, it's alright" I became alone, I hated my life I cried a lot, I was weak, I wanted to end my life and I even decide how far I was going to live. I grew up with split personality, fake smile, awkward, shy. I hated people, no trust in others, I even started to suspect my family trying to get rid of me I was becoming insane but that's how I ended up getting myself confused.

Then i realized I can't keep crying, feeling pity or taking pity. I'm lucky to have my family they're annoying and I lose my temper fast but I can't deny that I love them I guess. I know they love us, trust is something that would take time, I still hate people, my smile comes out naturally with out me even knowing it. It's troublesome sometimes. Though my personality needs work, also ending everything won't gain a thing being miserable either. There are a lot of things I like here, my family, drawing, my aunt my pets, the sky, a tree. Still things I enjoy, theres times when I notice that people don't like me but my first step is to walk a step at a time and not stick to my past. Though I can't say things to people because it'll cause trouble it's better to just move foward though it'll take time to tell other's though like my family but time is time

Comments for How I Realised

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Your world of Fear
by: Anonymous

Hi Denise. I have read your letter over a couple of times, and think that your main problem is living in fear and, having low self esteem. Possibly you are an introvert.(look this up). I don't know why you developed fear at such a young age, in my case, my brother had a very dominant personality, and bullied the rest of us. As a result, I developed fear.

We are not born with any of those things,and somewhere along the line you have picked them up in your family from someone.

Your low self esteem makes you think that you are taking up too much space in the world and it would be better without you. You are as important as anyone else on this planet, and the more you learn about why you fear everything, and learn about self esteem, and, what type of personality you are( Extrovert or Introvert),
You sound like a very talented person, so keep the Creative things going, as this will be your outlet. Please dont try to please everyone, as it's you yourself that needs your attention.
Knowledge is power, and the more you learn about these things your personal power should start to make an appearance eventually. Fear is just a thought Denise. You should not have to fear most things in life. You have felt these things for so long, you must think its normal. The good thing is, all these things that have made your life so miserable, can be reversed. You have to start loving yourself,being proud of yourself, you have more than enough to contribute to the world, so get those creative talents of yours going, and,show the world that YOU ARE a wonderful person. You have some work to do on yourself, get as much information on the things I have mentioned above. Believe me, from a person like me, who grew up being afraid of everything, and felt the same things as you, it's got to be better than what you are suffering right now, I wish you success, you deserve it.

Hold your head up, Denise
by: Anonymous

I try to picture myself in your world. It's a struggle, but not impossible. There are many people out there Denise, who dont really deserve to be here. You think a lot about everything, and I believe you are a good person.

I really hope you get what you need in your life, amd take no notice of people who are ignorant at birth, and are still ignorant when they die. Be as happy as you can, and I wish you love and success

How I realised
by: Anonymous

Life's journey from childhood to adulthood and all through stages is a long drawn out saga. Each stage of that journey brings challenges and choices and drawbacks and rebuffs.
It is not the end of the world if people reject you, there are other people along your highway who will be your friends.
These friendships depend on where you are and where you are going. People will come and go throughout your life, if they no longer want to be your friends there are other people who will fill that gap.
Even crises in your life may bring the end of periods of your life but it does not mean that there are no other pathways around that corner.
You have opportunities in your life to reinvent yourself, you do not have to take on board the putdown from those who should know better

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