Hard times with grief

by Michelle
(Washington State)

I've recently suffered a loss that has led to me confronting a lot of other issues. During childhood I had problems with dealing with my two bickering parents. It's always difficult for a child who's parents fight a lot to feel comfortable in the situation. My parents did have a separation and at the time it didn't bother me, I was still pretty small. Later on though I felt myself gravitating to my mother's side. I think I might have felt compelled to choose, which I hear is common.

Throughout the years of angst I drew further and further away from my father and really ended up relying on my mother but not feeling very close to her either. This part of my life has caused a lot of issues for me, from guilt to jealousy it's all there. This went on until around my sophomore year in high school when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He beat it, but it came back with vengeance and ended up taking his life May of 2011. He passed away during my senior year, a few weeks before my graduation. Of course something like this really took a toll on me and my high school experience.

I had never been one to be outgoing, but his cancer and rapid decline was absolutely life altering and made it almost impossible to open up to people. I became quite good at putting on a smile for the friends I did have and by the time he had died no one really knew how to be there for me. I am still struggling with my father's death, our strained past, coming to terms with the relationship we had and how I will deal with this throughout the rest of my life... After experiencing what felt like abandonment from my petite circle of friends I have become so withdrawn. I am afraid to open up or even reach out to anyone, mainly because I feel like I have to start over and re-establish a new set of friends, however because of the grief I am feeling very low and unmotivated. I lack confidence in myself and the people around me, but I really want someone to be able to go through this with me, never judge me, and be okay with me through the constantly fluctuating highs and lows.

In a way I feel like I am suffering two losses. The loss of my father and my friends. I am now in college trying to figure out who I am and trying desperately to hold onto the hope that things will get better, I'm just not so sure how to get there.