Family Bullies

Bullies come in all walks of life, work, school, organisations, family life.

I have just heard of a mother-in-law who is demanding, has little consideration for her family and expects them to drop everything when she wants something.

She descends on her son and his wife despite the fact that they are busy people, they have two young children and are expecting a third child. The daughter in law is still working two or three days a week. She has also brought her partner along even though there is little room for visitors. She has also tried to get them to buy her an electric appliance although their budget is tight.

She is a selfish woman who has never learned to have any consideration for anyone else and unfortunately people have gone along with her because she is elderly so they say. Why did not someone years ago stand up to her, when she was a lot younger?

A familiar situation you say, but there are also other family members as well who are despots. They get away with more as they are family. If they were not, no one would tolerate them as long as they have done.

The time does come when everything finally blows up, there is a terrible row and relatives stamp out vowing that they will never darken the doors of that particular dwelling again. The bully may have felt that they have scored a point but have they really won?

I was rather disgusted when I heard of another case, out of a family of six, two daughters were cut out of a family funeral notice.

This mother was also domineering and felt that she should control her family. In some way I think the daughters concerned did something to displease her. I only hope that some other relative had notified them of the father’s death.

I also had a controlling grandmother who dominated her children including my mother. My mother was her favourite but unfortunately influenced her so that my mother never really had any mind of her own. For years she was caught between her mother and her husband, who had been through the first World War and suffered trauma for the rest of his life.

Indirectly I also suffered as a result and my life was affected to an extend that when my mother died, I was completely lost and did not recover from her death for years.

Amongst siblings there is favouritism, rivalry, jealousy and competitiveness which has been sparked in early childhood, brought about by parents who may not have always treated their children with fairness. Someone has felt unloved and left out and this can go on into adulthood with drastic effects.

Funerals and other occasions often spark conflict with ends with people never speaking to each other for years. The unloved person may revert to bullying to get some notice taken of them. If ousted they will either force some other member of the family out or leave themselves.

Comments for Family Bullies

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Family Bullies
by: Anonymous

Always confront a bully. Never let a bully make you think its you. Value yourself. These people have serious personality problems. They have more likely run away from the truth all their lives. Distance yourself from them if you have to. Its hard, because they are your family,or are supposed to be.

To kathy- Family bullies and jealousy
by: Anonymous

Kathy, you have just done an Identikit of Narcissisism.

Re: Family bullies and Jealousy
by: Anonymous

Kathy, you nailed it. My brother was like this. For years I tried to gain their approval. Now I know my brother is so jealous of me, because of the choices I made. For years he undermined me, bullied verbally, said things behind my back. Now I know what he is, it's such a relief. He's a Narcissist, and it's not my fault. I said he IS so jealous of me, I'm in my sixties, it wont stop, so now he'll have to find another 'feed'

I have a quote
by: Anonymous

Virtue is persued more by the wicked than loved by the good.
In other words, if you are a good person, a sibling who is jealous, selfish and wants to spoil your life because they cant escape theirs.
Be true to yourself If you cant escape where you are yet, they can only get into your mind if you let them.

Only one way to,deal with kt
by: Anonymous

Yep,I have,been,there and put up,with it from my family,and now left them where they belong,in the past. I met my husband 8 years ago, and he had a mother that wanted all the attention, so I went straight for it, and asked her why she resented me.

After my family doing it for so long, I wasn't going to put up with it again. She said she was lonely. With three other grown up kids,she wanted to be with my husband. He kicked her into touch. (verbally)

family bullies & jealously
by: Anonymous

Kathy: Your words were amazing and exactly describe the life I have been living for 49 years. I cannot bear another special occasion, holiday or special life event being destroyed by people who claim to "love" me, my son and husband.

The problem I have in my mind is they are totally content with themselves because they are blaming me for everything. Whenever I try to address the issues they say that I am the problem and I am the only one responsible for the breakdown of the family. I offered therapy and nobody wants to go. They told me to go. I guess you have to move on and break away from it, or it becomes a part of your new family.

My son is already suffering terribly and nobody seems to care! I do, so I know I have to make the break to break the cycle of abuse.

Family bullies
by: Anonymous

The people who have written into this page, at least do not feel that you are on your own. Bullying will always be rife and the only thing one can do, is to move away from these characters and leave them to it.
What goes round finally comes round and one day something will happen and they will get their comeuptance.

by: Anonymous

I have been our families scapegoat for as long as I can remember, I have delt with it the best I can thru detachment after a long break from contact 13 years my siblings found my in laws on Facebook they have added my husbands family and began the slander all over again but this time I was undergoing breast cancer treatment with complications and I needed the support from the only family I knew my husbands family they resented me asking them to not be in contact with my abusive siblings and refused to delete them now after a year they are slowly deleting them one by one but my husband and I feel the damage is already done seeds have been planted and our lives will never be the same knowing we were not supported during the hardest time in our lives my husband and I decided to disown them and in doing so we are finally very happy as a couple it still makes me sad and he reminds me it will all start back up again to just keep them all at bay!

sometimes I fear it must be me...
by: Anonymous

I come frm a family that was quite dysfunctional and I believe that until my step father came into the picture I was a "golden child" and got quite a lot of positive attention (although maybe not genuine love and care) from my family. Once Step-father and his two kids were in the picture things changed - my natural brother and I were the outcasts with my brother getting the worst of it.

As an adult woman I was the only one of their four children to stay near to them geographically and that's about when I morphed into the scapegoat. I guess they had no one else to dump on, so there I was, eager to please but never able to. Blamed for everything, cut out of the family three or four times till they were good and ready to 'invite me back' etc. At this point they are not in my life and it took years to get over the hurt.

Now, oddly and so sadly, my husband's family seems to be taking up where they left off. The relationship began to deteriorate after my mother estranged me for the last time. My mother in law went so far as to ask my husband "what can we do to help her feel better about this?" and he told her just to include me in things and return my emails, etc. The very opposite happened, which stunned him. It's like they saw a chance to hurt me and took it - it felt cold and shocking and alienating. I don't know why I deserved it.

I can't decide at this point if possibly I'm just horrible to be around and that's why my own mother, step father and brother and now my mother and sister in law are so ready to treat me like garbage?

I've decided not to see them anymore, but I cannot believe that this is happening again, with the other half of my family.
I'm so hurt and sad, and feel like the worst mother in the world for not being able to maintain relationships with extended family.

Family bullies
by: Anonymous

All those comments are very interesting. It seems as though bullying and putting down is part of the human condition. It makes me wonder if we are anything be removed from the animal kingdom from which we are supposed to have sprung.
The animal kingdom has to fight for survival and in a way human beings also fight for the same reasons. Putting people down is displaying superiority.
It is time that mankind grew up and moved on, as a whole, as long as the earth has been in existence humans have fought wars over territorial rights and this has gone on for centuries. We have now weapons which could wipe us all out, in the end no one will win.

It Is Never Too Late.
by: Anonymous

I have been bullied by my immediate family all of my life, I am now 43.
It has manifested in many forms of abuse, including: Physical, Emotional, Verbal and Economic.
I am the 'Scapegoat': blamed for anything and everything that goes wrong for another family member. Ironically I am the one they turn to when they need help:

1) When they feel picked on.
2) Or more usually when they need financial support.

I was told by a psychiatrist when I was 16/17 that my family were ‘Toxic’; he advised me to leave and have nothing to do with them. Unfortunately I thought I knew better and could change them, I stayed and 27 years on my life had become almost intolerable.
However, an incident yesterday evening in which I was once again threatened physically, emotionally and verbally has given me the ‘push’ I needed to break-away.
So my message is: It is never too late to make changes. My hope and empathy goes out to anyone experiencing Family Bullying, please take care of yourself.

Family bullies what about school bullies
by: Anonymous

I was very interested to view the comments made by various people who replied with family stories of their own. Bullying is rife all through every walk of life, not only family.
It is disturbing to hear of the number of injuries inflicted by bullies at school and that young people should be made accountable for their actions. I believe now that offenders are made to appear in Youth Court and I think they should face the same penalties as adults who injure other people. The number of incidents also occurring in streets, attacks on innocent people who are going about their business is increasing.
Online bullying has also been a problem and young people who are being abused have had their education cut short as they have left school prematurely as they could no longer cope, some have suffered nervous breakdowns, others suicide.
During my working life I was plagued by bullying and looking back this had an impact on my work and my life. I was not sorry to retire.

Bullied By My Mother and Brother
by: Anonymous

I have been bullied and put down by my mother and brother my whole life. Even now I'm an adult of almost 40 years old, the nasty comments and whispering continue.

My brother (who is 9 yrs older than me) is favoured by my mother. He has always resented me since early childhood. He would beat me for no reason, using me as a punch bag and drag me around the room by my hair. He would call me vile, abusive names and my mother would say or do nothing to protect me.

They have always criticised me and made snide comments. I have never felt loved or supported by them. And this has had a massive affect on me throughout adulthood. It has been the underlying cause of many issues.

My mother is incapable of showing me love or affection, however, she lavishes my brother with it.

My sister was brutally beaten often daily by my mother. My brother would also beat her.

Bullying is a vile form of abuse. Often worse when it comes from those who are supposed to love you.

My mother is now in her 70's and my brother is nearing 50. They still live in the same house together and are two pitiful individuals. The bullying hasn't stopped, but I am old enough now to fight back. I don't keep their company any more. Some people are toxic and sadly must be avoided.

Constant Testing
by: Anonymous

One of my daughters is the family bully. She makes demands which are often unreasonable. Those who do not give her what she wants are cut off, usually with the silent treatment. Her latest demand is that we break an irrevocable educational trust for my grandson, so that she can buy him a used car. The trust is for his college education, but when those of us responsible for this educational trust refused to break it, we were written off... not spoken to. This is a pattern that has existed for two decades. Just as countries do not give in to terrorists' demands, families should not give in to unreasonable demands of family bullies.

brother out of control
by: Anonymous

I have been bullied by my brother since I was young. Now I'm a single mother and the bullying continues. My parents won't say anything to stop my brother, it once came to a point that my sister had to leave the house. My sister and parents did not speak for 3 months due to my brothers bullying of her and her son.

I don't want that to happen to me, I don't like that my brother mock me and my son (that is 2yrs old). I don't know what to do I want to move out soon so I can at least have a relationship with my parents later on in life but I don't have anywhere to go or a job. I've been trying to find a job but its been hard due to college and my son.

Every time I try to talk to my parents about it they don't seem to listen to what I'm saying all they say is that I'm being dramatic.

family bullies
by: Anonymous

My name is Sam I live in ct and all my life I have been bullied and belittled. It has torn me way down. I have been physically assaulted had my stuff destroyed, I have been called names made fun of laughed at criticized, I have been demoralized, I have been bashed pushed down by my own family and even though I am an adult. I had to move home due to a violent situation since I was 16, it has been getting worse I don't feel safe I don't love my family they don't love me but I have nowhere else to go so I'm subjected to it. What more can I do. There's only so much till a tragic end and that it seems is what they want what their aiming for. What can I do to get it to stop before something happens it hurts so bad I cry every day.

The ugly duckling...
by: Anonymous

Ive been bullied by my whole family each and everyone of them especially my aunts from my mom side they call me names stupid,fat,ugly, dumb*ss,obese,etc... they would smack me from behind my head for no reason?

I've never know why they hated me so much but I know I'm not that ugly I was born with complete eyes nose feet hands, I graduated high school I got a job on my own.

I am a mother now and have a beautiful child I try to stay away as much I can but keep in contact but until now the pain is still in my heart I told myself if I can never be good enough for my family to accept me at least I have my own who loves me unconditionally.

At first I thought it was normal to be bullied by your family while you're a kid because of course they like to pick on the young ones but when your grown and you have siblings and cousins and your the only target it makes you feel like an outcast.

by: Brandy Torres

My family bullies are my dad and my mother and most of all my sister. Most fights go like this. My sister keeps saying dirty words under her breath about me such as "bitch, white cracker or adopted (I'm lighter than my family),." Or whatever.

Through out the whole day she taunts me and I wont say anything. I'll try to hit her when I get frustrated and my mother yells "Why did you do that" at me when she hits me back. Ill tell her its because what she says. I look bat sh
sh*t crazy and I'll admit I do have a potty mouth but its only to vent. And my father will come in and make it seem like when I scream the only thing of importance of what I said is the swears I say.

It makes me feel so damn small. I cry almost every night because my mother will just bow it off like I'm so dramatic. I don't know if it's just my hormones or what. I hurts so much. And I have no one to tell. They push me to the edge and I think I have the mentality at this point to just fall my damn self.

family bullies
by: Anonymous

In my case, my grandmother had a baby boy (fourth child only son ) that died with crib death. It affected her so that she wanted to commit suicide to be with him! My grandfather put her in a hospital where she was treated until she could come home to mother her other three girls but suddenly she was pregnant with a fifth child.

When the fifth child was born she could not give that child the attention she had given the others because she was still so caught up in grief over her lost son. This fifth girl gravitated toward her father. My grandmother felt guilty not being there as well for this fifth child so she allowed the child to manipulate her into letting her get away with anything she wanted at all! And I do mean anything!

Long story short... the fifth child grew up to be a violent selfish alcoholic, a holy terror on society, still having my grandmother bail her out and excuse her well into her adulthood!

She abused her children, her husband a similar type, went to prison and died. She lived with my grandmother and my mother and me all during my childhood and made all of us (her children especially) miserable! I'm talking food throwing vase smashing) tore up my college scholarship in a jealous rage alcoholic mess! She wrecked numerous lives and certainly did herself no service.

My point is that when you don't nip these bully personalities in the bud as a child that child, as well as society, are going to pay for it dearly! They can grow up to be a menice to society! Parents need to be educated about this as well as watching the adult bullies children are exposed to!

Bullying fam ily
by: Anonymous

Ive grown up in a familly where I am constantly put down by my mum and both parents seem to enjoy making my life even more difficult than it already is. The problem is actually deep jealousy and selfish behaviour.

One example is when I just turned 20 and I finished at college; my dad started his physical attack on me by poking me in the head over a spare plate of food. My dad never takes extra food on a saturday.....and after watching me eat it....he decided he would teach me a lesson for eating food im supposed to eat.

Things got worst as I got older when my dad started causing fights with me at christmas; and him and my mum purposly decided they would try and make me fail my first year at university. When it came to the day I needed a computer for my course work; my dad had this grin on his face and refused to fix it after promising.

There seems to be a pattern in my familly where everybody bitches behind my back and talks about one person....ME!!.

Now after failing university due to high blood pressure in second year; I decided to become a film director. My dad's reaction to me getting a new career was actually....I wonder how long it will last with some cheesy grin on his face. I stand up to my dad; but he still continues as if he would risk everything just to put me in my place.

I also blame my mum because she is the main person who provides him with fuel by telling half truths and spreading lies about me. In this situation I feel isolated as I'm not ready to leave; and leaving would mean hardly any income or support.

In my case my parents would only like me to be successfull if they knew they were getting money as well' otherwise they would like to actually see me worst off than them, including some of my cousins on my dad's side.

95 year old bully
by: Anonymous

My 95 year old father has always been a bully in that all family members overseas are wonderful and those who reside here are terrible.

The only way my father communicates is by offering money for various material things then, if we refuse he becomes furious and says the offer is off.

Now he is telling us money has been stolen from him and that my husband is a moron and an idiot - he is very abusive. My sister goes along with him when she comes from Germany so of course he continues his terrible behaviour.

family bullies & jealousy
by: kathy

The family bullies that disgust me the most are the lazy selfish ungrateful bullies in the family.
The bullies that are constantly running down a particular person. by lying about them, discluding them, or treating them disrespectfully in some way. All because that person is successful, or more attractive or has better relationships than the bully/bullies in the family.

It's as if these bullies are "actually" angry with themselves for making bad choices in life such as dropping out of school or not going at all, getting into drugs and or alcohol, not taking care of their health and appearance, or making poor choices in their relationships and how they treated others in the past. So now they don't want to take responsibility for those bad choices they made in the past. Choices that no one was twisting their arm to make or standing in their way of making better choices.

Now when they see another family member who ( in the eyes of the bully/bullies ) has made better choices, they want to persecute that person for making better choices because "first" they are too lazy to get off their rear end and make changes to their own situation, "secondly" they are too selfish to allow people to have what they have worked for and rightfully earned, and "thirdly" they are ungrateful for all the opportunities they have had in life.

They are cowards when it comes to facing up to and taking responsibility their own mistakes. They have to go and harass someone else to "feel satisfied" and that kind of satisfaction only lasts momentarily until they can get another "fix".

The worst part of it is when other family members encourage them to continue the harassment either because they are afraid they might be their next target if they don't go along, or because they just don't want to be bothered with the whole situation. This gives bullies a "green light" to continue and cause more havoc in the family.

Sadly, usually the only thing that can be done is for the target of the bullying to completely disassociate themselves with the family, leaving the bully/bullies to find a new target to satisfy their insecurities and failures.

Family bullies should be confronted and have an intervention from the entire family to encourage them to take charge of their own life by making positive changes in their life.

They need to be made to understand that they have all the love and support from all members to make these changes and that blaming anyone else outside of themselves for their own past mistakes and choices is not going to achieve a positive end for anyone!

Only positive new choices and positive initiative will get them the things that they need to feel more secure.

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