Destined for a path of unkown

by Anonymous
(tucson az)

My names going to remain anonymous but I will say as of 2013 I am 17. I am happy I made it to 17 knowing the path I put myself in. I appreciate life so much and I also view the world in my very own way.

Now tell me this, if you were raised with a meth selling and abusing father whom is also a high ranking gang member in Northern California and lived 10 years of pure childhood in that environment, on the side living my mom whom is divorced from my father a year after I was born, which was in 1995 and lived in San Diego as she recovered from meth abuse, for ten years. Guess what I did for ten years going back and forth from norcal to so cal. I didn't let any of that phase me.

Within that time period I had seen too much sex by my parents not caring about what I see, I had seen my first murder, followed by a gangfight in my neighborhood in norcal in wich my father was involved and so was I. I had to stash a bloody knife that was used. I had seen so much and within my own mind all I wanted to do was have fun. I was a kid.

Now what would you say if I told you that within all that time period I would constantly be moving, never owning a home, I once lived in sd and lived with a mexican mafia member thanks to my mother. I barely found out he was when I was 15.

I really never owned a home but let me remind you that I pushed the problems aside and never cared because I was a kid. Now heres where it gets crazy. I have been given a curse or gift by god not by choice but by destiny. It is that I was followed by a demon, ghost, spirit whatever you call it for a long long time. Now you're asking what this has to do with my path, well that's the thing. Ever since I was a child certain colors objects or sounds or even smells remind me of a dream I had as a child. I felt happy in this dream, no worries and it was simply beutiful green plains with a bright blue sky. I can only come to one conclusion with this dream, I was born. It literally felt like my life was so precious. Years pass and I recently have been going through so much. From moving out of california, moving to Tucson az. I have no confidence, no father figure, no motivation. Ive moved 6 times in 6 years, all because my mom tries to find a brtter life for us. I aint blaming her though. It was simply destiny, now my hope for using this is to find my answer, how can I get the motivation I need to never have to put my kids through this when I start a family one day. How can I gain self confidence when I simply have no passion or motivation. I grew up around people who try to tell me whats good or bad, how I should do things. I dont know what I am or who I am. All I know is love, I have a real heart. But how can it take me anywhere in this cruel world. I am hopeless and im only 17. Why is it that I feel so depressed.

Despite all of the above, I just need to cleanse my body of bad energy or bad whatever, to be baptised in such idea. I just want to be happy like a child. I've grown up too fast and yet again I'm only 17.