Dad has given me low self esteem
After 25 years of suffering this.... it has only just dawned on me that this is where the problem lies. It seems to make a lot of sense now but has taken forever to realise.
I have come to the conclusion that he has not only affected me, but my brother and mother too. We have very few family members and seldom see them anyway and no family friends so all I have known is my mum, brother and dad. And so I feel I have had nowhere to learn how to properly interact with others or how to value myself. Due to his drink problems and my mums deep depression which she has suffered my whole life,(and not left the house for a good few years), I left the house to go it alone.
I have just come out of a dysfunctional 5 year relationship and have been very brave and moved out of our flat to another part of the city alone. It's been tough but my main issue now I am single is still the same as it ever was. I feel like I am not worthy of anything and am empty and nothing alone, like a shell, who non-one will like and does not deserve to be loved.
In reality this is not the truth and I know people do not understand why I feel this way, but I am aware that after a while this does have a detrimental impact and others eventually pick up on my bad vibes and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
I haven't gone into too much detail about my dad as I find it difficult to differentiate between normal an abnormal behaviour. But I guess the gist of it is, he has never been interested in me speaking or saying anything, never encouraged me to have an opinion. When I visit which is rare he sits with headphones on and makes no attempt to interact. When I try to get his attention he looks thoroughly pissed off and annoyed and will normally rubbish any idea suggestion and try and take control of any situation. Basically if I ever try and imagine him encouraging me or trying to boost my confidence nothing comes to mind. I don't think he has ever done this for any of us. I tried to ask him why he uses the headphones in this way and he laughed at me and asked me if I wanted an alcoholic drink.
He has had a drink problem as far as I remember so I am aware he has a lot of personal issues but I have never realised quite how his issues have impacted mine. Blaming myself always for this lacking.
He is still living with my mum but she is very depressed and rarely has any connection to talk to, she just wants to watch tv and is normally out of it. I miss the brief moments of happiness I remember her having. Sometimes I talk about her in a past tense. So I have never had a positive role model to follow here either. My brother suffers the same problems as I do.
Sorry it's long winded. Any help or suggestions into how to boost this, I would be forever grateful