by Louise

I have always suffered with low self esteem and always thrived on approval from other people but when put down it really knocks me back and I believe that I am whatever the put down was.

About a year ago I was doing well building my self confidence up again after a nasty split with a long term boyfriend until I started going out with my boyfriend that I have now. Ever since we have got together my confidence has completely crashed slowly, and now I feel like I don't know who I am any more.

I'm frightened to say something stupid in case he thinks I'm thick, when there's nothing to say I get really paranoid thinking that I'm boring and that he's probably wishing he was doing something else. When I don't hear from him all day I think he's in a mood with me, and then when he does call I analyse the tone of his voice to try and find out whether he's interested in talking to me or not.

I'm finding it really frustrating and feel as though I am trapped within myself, I get so worked up that when I see him I can't talk to him because my head has been in a mess all day.

I constantly need reassurance that he loves me and that he's not going to leave me I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to be this type of person but I can't see a way of getting myself back to being just me again instead of worrying about what everyone thinks of me all the time.

Its affecting all aspects of my life I can't even talk to friends I have had for years because I feel so self conscious thus making my connections with them fade, and as a result feeling yet again even more lonely and clingy, to the fact that if my boyfriend split up with me I would have no one left but myself.

Please help.

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No confidence
by: Kay

Thank you for contacting Positive Personal Growth. Having suffered low self esteem myself, I know exactly what you mean about always needing the praise to enable you to feel good about yourself.

What I have learned over the years though is that many times we cause our own problems by the way we react to things.

What I mean by this is that when someone says something about you that you aren't happy with, instead of shrugging it off and forgetting it, you listen, react to it in a negative way (obviously) and take this awful feeling to heart where it niggles away at you making you feel awful.

Can you see that had you not reacted to the words, but maybe said to yourself that it's not true, I wont believe it, you would have saved yourself the hurt because you have refused to accept the words that were spoken?

I know this sounds easy, and I know it's not going to be. I also know that we cause our own problems by constantly thinking negative stuff about ourselves and the people in our lives.

You are upsetting yourself at what you believe people are thinking about you. How do you know their thoughts? Why worry about what you think they think? Why not tell yourself that you are such a wonderful person everyone must love you! Isn't that a better thought than those you are having about them?

When you believe in yourself and trust yourself, you will find it in your heart to trust others. Don't lose your boyfriend because you cant trust him. Trust that he loves you or he wouldn't want to be with you. Don't let your negative thoughts push him away, because if you don't believe what he says when he is speaking the truth, he might give up trying to make you realise your worth.

Your own thoughts are limiting you. Nobody is doing this to you. You are basing your life on what you think might happen, not because it has, but you believe it will. Your thoughts have become the way things are, to change your life you have to change the thoughts you have.

To really help yourself you have to love yourself and accept yourself. You can do this by stopping those self limiting thoughts and change them to 'I can do this' thoughts.

Start right this minute by letting yourself know the wonderful person you are inside and that it is time for her to come out of hiding. Bring her out by talking all things positive to her. Let her know how wonderful she is and that you truly love her. Tell her not to listen or believe what others say about her, but to know in her heart that she is a strong confident person.

I really hope you can work through this, and truly believe that when you start to change those self limiting thoughts you will have a wonderful happy life.

You are the only one who can do this however, so I urge you to stay determined to overcome how you are feeling and work on the thoughts you have to become the beautiful girl you are shielding inside you. Bring her out, I know she will be amazing!!


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