confidence, self worth, and self defeating thoughts.
I'm 28 years old and have a real hard time with having any self worth despite pushing through life and accomplishing things like becoming a paramedic and going to college. I have had it hard, I grew up in a very verbally abusive environment with constant loud yelling and screaming, table pounding etc.. it was hard.
My grandparent, whom I lived with along with my mom were constantly verbally abusing one another. It was an everyday thing. I remember it well, especially at the dinner table. I barely got through school including high school and really had no motivation or direction in life.
I turned to drugs and alcohol at a very young age and was introduced to them by an older family member. My uncle used to watch pornography with me when I was a teen (14-16years old or so). Worst of all, when my mom and dad divorced when I was 1 I found myself in a lie that never happened. I lied that I was molested when I was like 2. All I remember is that said "daddy touched my peepee" and it blew up from there.
I remember telling the truth after the fact that night and being questioned over and over again until I said yes. It grew into a horrible, awful lie and caused me some of the worst emotional pain in my entire life. I truly became the boy who cried wolf. I stuffed the emotion down for so many years and it finally resurfaced the past few years.
I contacted my father, met with him and his wife and told them the truth and asked for forgiveness, they didn't believe me and after our first meeting want nothing to do with me since they wont return my phone calls.
After, I had a nervous breakdown at the beginning of the year, which led me to a psych hospital for 3 weeks, I was suicidal, having delusions, and extremely depressed. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and put on medication. So far the medication and counseling has helped. It makes me more stable. After all this, Ive been trying to make myself better, I work nights, go to college during the day, I'm a biology major geared toward medical school (hopefully) It seems that no matter how hard I try I still feel nothing I do is good enough when it comes to school. I study a lot, when I'm not working, and my grades do not reflect it. It is very discouraging.
I have no self worth, and feel like nothing truly matters. I look at many of my friends, or people I know from facebook and they are happy, doing things, out and about, have good things to look forward to in life and always have a smile on their face. Some days are ok for me, my family makes things hard sometimes, they are always downers and it rubs off on me. I want to be happy, I want to love myself, I want to have some self worth and believe in myself. My self esteem is low, I am over weight which probably doesn't help my self esteem, and just wish at times I was not born.
I feel like I was born to suffer and I hate it. I'm tired of suffering through life, to "survive" instead of live and enjoy. Can anyone offer some tender words or advice?