Choosing the right partner

by Heather Watters
(California)

Choosing your partner wisely is a very vague and over used statement. Almost like saying make better choices in life. Well, duh! We all know we should make good choices, and do what is best, but we all do not do what is best. We all do not pick our partners wisely, and we all do not make good choices in life. People play the 80-20 rule. 80% good things, and 20% not so good. Maybe we eat good most of the time, but we still want to eat chocolate and have cocktails too. Sometimes we make decisions that we know are not the best decisions, and we know fully well what we are doing. We make a conscious decision to do something that is not “good”, and negatively affects our lives and bodies.

Could this have something to do with why so many people get into relationships with partners that are not good for us? Is it comparable to us eating that snickers or gorging on french fries? Or are we unaware of how unhealthy a relationship with a particular person could be? Maybe a little of both? At least at first. People do not ask someone if they are abusive and after receiving an answer choose to be in the abusive relationship. What we have are two components to being in a relationship with an abusive person. First we did not know, for one reason or another, that the person is or will be abusive, and second, as humans we do things that are not in our best interests.

Staying informed is the first answer to the puzzle, but how do we stop eating french fries?! I hope you get where I’m going with this. How do we stop us from putting ourselves in situations where abuse happens and then we feel bad about eating an entire king size snickers. In my opinion, it all starts with staying informed. Naievity goes a long way. There are no classes in school preparing you to choose the people you spend most of your time with, especially people that you are intimate with and share a life with. Sure, there may be a health class with a chapter on rape or something, but the gravity of this issue is not being recognized as something to teach our young men and women. How else are we going to get informed? If not in school, then where? I learned at Life University in Personal Experience 101, but this will only continue the statistics, not help. There must be a way. I propose more awareness and education. My book and website are my way of taking steps towards a world free from domestic abuse.

Secondly, we all do things that we know are not in our best interest. I for one will not give up my wine or chocolate so I do not want to sound like a hypocrite, but where do we draw the line? I obviously did not draw the line in my past abusive relationship, so where do I know when to draw the line now? Inform yourself, read, examine what you want out of life, put your happiness over everyone else, but most importantly be informed about what to look for and where to draw those lines.

Comments for Choosing the right partner

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Its not Black and White
by: Anonymous

Choosing the right partner, is not so easy.
In my case it wasn't. I had been physically and mentally abused by my brother. You might think you grow out of it. Its still there when you start relationships, and the person you have chosen seemed nice and caring,and then one day it all changes. He isnt REALLY nice and caring. But nobody told you that people are deceitful. You get out of that one and go to another. Similar outcome. Nobody told you that as well as being bullied at home, it's happening in your relationships too.
And then you start thinking I am attracting the wrong people. You want some time on your own, because you are angry at you and them for allowing it to happen. You need to get to the bottom of this, find out whats wrong with YOU. All you want is someone that will treat you right and not bully you.
I am married to someone now, that is 95% better, but still thinks because I am quietish, that he can try and control me. I wont be controlled by anyone now, because that defensiveness is still there, I am not a difficult person, I just reserve the right to be who I am.

Choosing the right partner
by: Anonymous

Easier said than done. The person you profess to fall in love with when you are a teenager, might not be the person you would want as a partner say 10, 20, 40 years later.
Everyone on this planet goes through stages of growth and maturity. You attract or else be attracted to someone at the same stage as you have got to.
Like tends to go to like.
There is no such person as a knight in shining white armour riding a white horse. Your knight may well drive a rundown ute with a dog in the back.
When you are young, you go for someone to go out with and have fun with.
In your twenties you may be career focused and look to another person who is also ambitious.
Thirties you may want a settled home with another person who wants the same and you may want to start a family.
Forties you are in the middle of child rearing and also possibly holding down a job to help finances.
Fifties, you are settling into a comfort zone with children leaving home although you may have elderly parents on both sides needing help.
Sixties you may be on your own or with a different partner.
At some stage during the different ages, you will have changed a lot and so will the person you have married. You may no longer have anything in common or may leave the relationship if things have got tough.
It is quite possible now that you have journeyed with at least two or three partners during those years as you have changed a lot from the teenager that you were.

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