Bad life choices...
Hello, thanks for taking the time to read this.
I am 30 years old and I have dug myself into a hole I cant seem to get out of. All my life I've been an anxious person. I can't seem to sleep at night because I can't turn off my brain. I worry about the most insignificant stuff, but to me it's the whole world. I take Lexapro and have for the last 6 years. Does it work? I guess. I know when I go off it I get severely depressed.
Because of this, I've always smoked pot because it calms me down. I have smoked pretty much every day since I was 15. I can feel it leaching my potential and feel its time to put it away, but can't. I've been to NA but I don't feel that's right for me. I don't use hard drugs.
I have a hard time meeting people because I am introverted. I'm good looking enough for girls to hit on me, but I always reject them because I'm afraid of getting hurt or used. This means all the relationships I've ever been in have been unhealthy. I've been cheated on, I've cheated, I've been used, I've used - the list goes on. So now random hookups are the only thing I can emotionally tolerate.
As I get older, I am realizing I need more than sex. I need someone I can grow with - yet I don't know how to accomplish this at all. The only thing I know is unhealthy habits as far as relationships.
In general, these are problems that aren't too bad but the last year I've made horrible life choices and now I'm in a hole that I can't get out of.
I was middle management at a bank but unhappy with my co-workers and boss so I decided to quit and live off my savings till I got a better job. Not a good idea in the economy today. Six months later I have a job at a call center making half of what I was and in an entry level position because they weren't hiring managers. I am miserable at my job but cant find another one because I have a possession charge on my record as well as bad credit.
I had an opportunity to move to another state for a great job making good money but I turned it down because I was afraid of failing. So now I'm working at a job that I hate for a wage that doesn't even cover my monthly bills.
About three years a go my dad passed unexpectedly and that took a huge tool on my family and me. He worked two jobs his whole life to support a family and when it finally came time to retire and live the good life, he dies of a heart attack. If I ever believed in any sort of higher power, I don't any more. I constantly think that it should have been me because he deserved life and I cant even remember the last time I was happy. I work from home so I'm becoming more isolated by the day.
I hate the person I've become and am haunted every day by the mistakes I've made.
Thanks for listening. Advice?