0% confidence and self esteem
It's been a long time since I have had any self esteem or self confidence. I remember 6th grade, one of the worst years of my life. I was always put down, always told I was ugly, and worthless, I was usually bullied. Then 7th grade happened, I liked this one girl, and it sparked a whole new level of torture, I wanted to talk to her, a really good friend of mine tried to tell her for me, I thanked him, he tried his best, and I do appreciate that, but then she laughed, her friends overheard and they laughed. It wasn't his fault of course, but I felt like crap. I was depressed for weeks.
Later, after being bullied to the maximum, I tried to commit suicide by overdose. I went to school that day because it didn't work, I kept falling asleep constantly (lots of sleeping pills) my friend was suspicious, he asked what happened, I told him that I tried to kill myself the previous night, he was shocked. After a minute or so, I fell asleep again, during this time he must have told the teacher, because my teacher instantly woke me up and told me to talk to her in the hallway. She then called my mom, and my mom took me to the hospital, where I spent a week in a teen mental institution.
Afterwards, I came back to school, some of my other friends wanted to know where I was, I just came clean and told them I attempted suicide ... After middle school I thought I would be free from bullies and onto a good school life. Currently in high school (10th grade) I must say its almost there, but the previous year, in 9th grade I tried asking out a girl, after talking to her for awhile getting to know her, she rejected me, at least she was nice about it, she didn't talk about me, or tell her friends how ugly I was. I tried again about a month later with a different girl, I was rejected then too, and again with someone else, and again ... and again .... and again. I just don't feel attractive.
I play guitar very well, I am really good at graphic design, and I try my best to be compassionate to people, and caring, but girls just don't like me. When I'm around people I know, girls will come up to all of us and hug them, but not me, even if I know the girl, happens with a lot of girls. I feel like I'm really ugly ...... I'm definitely not shy with people, I perform guitar at school all the time, I get "man that was epic!" a lot, and "dude, you're good!" but a lot of times I still want to kill myself, my parents don't care what I do, if I do good on tests, or if I do my homework. My report card had no B's or A's this quarter, my mom told me, "its your own fault" I mean, I know that, but you don't have to shove it in my face.
My dad, is an alcoholic. he argues a lot, with me and everyone in my family, he is extremely belligerent, and controlling .... but when I do something good, he tell me good things, like, "good job man! I'm proud of you!" at least when he's sober he does. He tells me I'm handsome and I mean a lot to him, but based on my life, there's no way I'm going to believe that ...
Long story short, I'm confused about myself, and I need a girlfriend ...