I hate my life and feel hopeless
I am 30 now but still living with my parents. It is demoralizing. I have never felt fully happy because even as a child I was semi-conscious of the fact that my parents were dealing with heavy things.
I feel that I have made a complete botch job of my life. I have generally made poor decisions in most facets of my life. When I was about 19 I decided that I didn't care anymore and I was just going to drink a lot and have a lot of sex. I have always had very low self esteem.
I realized around 23 that I wanted a better life and started making attempts at getting that but the booze had hooked me and it took a very long time to give it up. Meanwhile I was searching for someone to love me and take care of me and perhaps save me...with disastrous results. I kind of gave up on that but yet still found myself waking up in bad relationships.
I did manage to get a degree but, unfortunately, it was in dance which I don't have any interest in anymore...I despise it in fact. About four years ago, after trying to find happiness by changing locations (something I have tried many times), I came back to my parents completely defeated. I still made a couple of escape attempts after that but none of them were successful. I have read so many "self help" and "find your calling" books it is ridiculous. I have been to AA and NA and SAA meetings. I have been on and off of numerous medications. Life coach, career counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, church, yoga, meditation, you name it, I have tried it.
I usually don't stay consistent with anything, though right now I am attempting to form a consistent relationship with a psychologist. I do have some practical plans right now which I am not terribly excited about but I do see as a way to solve some of my problems (CNA route to nursing school).
I just don't know how I am going to survive with the sadness and frustration that I feel so much of the time. I hate living here and I see no way out for about a year. I see no way out of the sadness and suffering that I feel and the years just keep on passing. I attempt to feel grateful for what I have but then I just start crying. I really am a cool person...smart, funny, into music, art and clothing...very nice in general but I cannot find friends that are deep or seem to understand me at all.
I am very isolated and feel unappreciated by my family. Perhaps people sense the dark side of me? Though when I was living in Portland, OR, people were more open to me than they are here in the south. I would like to get back out there but it seems impossible.
I have rambled on enough. If you have anything to share that might help, I would appreciate it. Thank You!