Two Different People
I named my problem that because I feel as if I have changed as a person over the years. I went to a small grade school where I was at the top of my game. I was the most popular kid in my grade...I dated any girl I wanted to.. was the quarterback of the school and loved every minute of it.
My family moved so I went to a new high school where I didn't know anybody and joined the football team. I somehow finished 4 years of high school and managed to make some friends and seal a couple relationships. Two serious relationships which both ended badly. First one I lost my girlfriend to my best friend of 11 years. The second girl, the direction she was heading, lets just say it wouldn't have worked out,(shes getting married at the age of 20 to some drug dealer) eh.. anyways.
I haven't had anything close to a girlfriend and I think it's because of my first relationship. Before I get too confusing, I met my second girlfriend before my first, so I feel as if the first one was the one that lowered my self esteem.
Im now 19 years old and in my 2nd year of college (years since my girlfriend took my best friend) and I feel like a different person than I was. I no longer play sports because for some reason I feel out of place when I do that. I figure I didn't play sports so I didn't meet people, and when I do it's like Ive forgotten how to act towards people when I get the chance.
Things that worked before no longer do. I feel awkward talking to any new person I meet. I get nervous shakes, I don't really make eye contact, I can't think of the words I should say and they usually stop talking to me. It basically feels like my whole age group has changed and I was left behind.
I developed a habit of smoking marijuana in my free time. I don't plan on moving to crazy drugs or alcohol or any of that stupid stuff. I just smoke because it clears my mind and I don't wanna sit in my room because I end up doing stuff like this, typing to some random website.
I feel as if I'm the one that's just tagging along with people. as if I'm there. but it wouldn't matter if I wasn't. I have to call people to find a party just to attempt to meet new people. Nobody calls me. Once again I'm calling people who don't really care if I'm there, so I feel like I'm out of place everywhere I go.
I'm not looking for a miracle here, just some advice. I'm in my middle years here. and I get lonely :/ I don't wanna be that 50 year old guy that never found the right one.