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Paranoia no self confidence and low self esteem

by Jamie
(England)

I have just finished my first year at university and have got say its been one of the worst years of my life so far.

I suffer from pretty bad paranoia and have had a really hard time talking to new people as i always just assume they think I'm an idiot. I get extremely scared when i leave a room of people as i think they will instantly start talking about me behind my back.

I can't hold a conversation with other people I never know what to say and anything i do say always sounds like crap.

I always think people are looking and judging me no matter where i go.

Even if i can hold a conversation with a person i then spend the rest of the day checking and double checking what i said in my head to make sure i didn't mess up. Generally i find something and then spend the next few hours hating myself and assuming the person i just talked to also thinks i'm a tit.

I have been thinking about getting counselling or something for a while but cant seem to pluck up enough courage to actually meet someone face to face about it.

Writing this now i am sweating so badly. But its gotten to a point where i just cant take it anymore. So have finally decided to bite the bullet and ask for help. Thought Id start off on here.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

Many thanks
Jamie

Comments for
Paranoia no self confidence and low self esteem

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The secret
by: Chris

Hi my name is chris and i have felt the same way as you have my whole life...im only 22 now but its bothered me every day up until now!

I had no confidence at all and always felt anxious around strangers and never really had any friends...

The I found something that REALLY HELPS!!!
Its a book, and its called "THE SECRET".
Seriously buy it! it has changed my life! it teaches you about positive thinking and how to change your life by the way you think about situations and focus on what you want to happen not on what you dont.

I really hope you give this book a go, as it has helped me and hopefully it will do the same for you.
Chris
I understand so well
by: Anonymous

hi I feel exactly as you a lot of people say i have the deer in head lights look i always look like i dont know what im doing i think really fast sometimes i over do things sometimes i feel like a ghost like people can see right through me or im not worth anything to anyone just feel this never ending tunnel of hopelessness this is some kind of depression ive tried different ways to build my confidence like body language videos standing up straight my mom was really abusive to me since i can remember screaming yelling hitting she was on a lot of drugs blamed me for everything i read in phsycology book s that thats why i feel the way i do that i have true potential to become something in my life but i feel like i cant im always paranoid always caring so much about what people think it gets so overwhelming sometimes i cry at night my girlfreind dosent understand my 3 year old son is the only thing that bring me out of it makes me feel like darth vader when luke turns him good again i need to be confident again i struggle with quitting smoking ciggarets very hard quit for 8 months now back and forth for 5 years i worry so much about every word that i say i walk on egg shells in front of everyone than i feel ridiclous it does feel good to know others are out there my girlfreind thinks i need medication and therapy but she went with me to the therapists and phsycologist out here are messed they told me everything i did was my fault they blamed me for everything i only went one time and that horrible exp has shunned me from going back my parents always made me feel unwanted its something i cant get past parents split up dad has a new family i cant get past that feeling somedays i can some days i cant i just live with it i found my passion working on cars but i havent graduated highschool im working on my ged on and all i have left is the math test and i cant seem to pass it so thats left me so frusterated cause im stuck at my job cause i cant get an education its a domino effect of negativity for some of you out there i understand what you go through every day is a struggle to wake up to be here but always remember being here is better than not being here cherish your life try different things i know that hopeless feeling but learing about cars has helped me sometimes bury yourself in your work find a passion that you love my girlfreind hates when i talk about cars i have studied and read 6 books now on the internal combustion chamber and how an engine works i have learned how it proviedes torque down to through the motor thorugh the pressure plate through the torque converter through the transmission to the differential and finally to the wheels find something to love and be addicted to it and if you arent addicted to it then you dont love it enough find something fun something that makes you happy you can do it hang in there and i will talk to you next time
Also, ben there done that...
by: Anonymous

I was a man frightened by anything. Paranoid thoughts, I believed everybody was laughing at me behind their back, or saying what a freak I am. When a girl smiled at me and I felt shameful. Can't be true that someone likes me I was thinking.

I went crazy and felt I had had enough of everything and so I went to an excellent psychiatrist and started with psychotherapy. This has helped me more than anything has in my life EVER!

I go out and smile again. It is about ourselves.
Through psychotherapy I learned to respect myself, to recognize good things and finally to understand that I am a human being just like others.

Please, think about the possibility of psychotherapy, it really helps. Drugs suck but speaking with someone who feels and understands your state is crucial for being healed by positive energy over and over again. You will learn to see beyond paranoia and to see that most of this comes from our head and CAN BE FIXED!!!

Love and Hugs my fried. You are strong
I think so
by: New Zealand

Hi Jamie,
It was really comforting to know I'm not alone with those feeling/thoughts.

I am 29yrs old and from my teens to the late twenties, I have been paranoid about what people think of me. I also have a low self-esteem (ok that was weird saying that, never said it before) which is probably why I don't really have any close friends - depressing, especially when I need them.

I'm pretty much a loner and the only friends I have at the moment are people who want to be in a relationship or just a fling even though we started off as friends.

I think I try to hard to impress, so I back off. I always try and please to get people to like me.

I don't enjoy family times anymore getting together.

I'm more nasty now, I dont believe people, I have trust issues. I'm careful not to talk to much, people can be very judgemental.

I don't know what to say, but reading your story helps.

I'm really loney, I have no close friends, I try to hard to keep them when I get the chance, but I think I come on to strong and scare them away.

I'm 29, I have no real friends, I'm slightly feminine and I think that puts people off, but other then that, a normal acting guy. Even now I think that all I've typed is not making sense.

I wish I didn't feel like this, I really do. I wish I had good people to talk to and be myself. I don't think people have time to make new friends, and I've missed out. Is this karma? I don't know, I think I may have dissed some people back in school and this is payback? Karma?

I'm a good person, always have been, thinking about others feelings. Treated people how I would want to be treated, I know the feeling of being the target - my whole life...my whole life.

I tire myself out really.

thanks
Thank you all!
by: MeshaM

I found this site while I was seeking relief from my own paranoia and self abuse(aka reflection and damnation). I am grateful to read that I am not alone, that there are tools to use in helping myself and that there are people who have compassion for others during such painfully dark times.

I am writing notes from everyone's comments in my journal to create new paths. Thank you all!!

Mesha M~
not alone
by: lucy

I'm paranoid, have low self esteem and no confidence too, and cant talk to anyone. I am glad to know I'm not alone!
Similar Problem
by: Anonymous

I had the same problem and unfortunately I was not well adjusted to college so I came back home for college instead.

When I talk to people I'm overwhelmed with the fear of messing up or stumbling. This fear usually stops my train of thought so I'm pretty much speechless or speaking a few words to affirm a statement. I also experience physical ailments from this fear such as a stiff face, having a stony gaze, sometimes having shifty eyes because I fear that I'm spacing out too much (its ridiculous I know..being self conscious too much is just ugh..) This fear grows exponentially when the numbers increase especially with strangers.

I'm a good listener but unfortunately that is not good enough for some people. People tend to judge me as weird, shady, and sometimes even retarded but in my heart and mind I mean no malice to them and in reality I'm just a scared little boy. I'm 21 years of age and I still have this problem and I sometimes think people are talking behind my back but try to block off those thoughts b/c even if it is true these thoughts are purely irrational and unhealthy.

I'm planning to see a psychologist but beware of those psychiatrists >_>. They just provide you a pill but I think all we need is just talk and finding the root to the problem of this fear.

Lots of love from the US
I am experiencing these same issues
by: Anonymous

For years I've experienced different degrees of the exact symptoms that you've listed. Recently I found out that what I'm struggling with is co-dependency. Which may seem like an unexpected cause for such problems but it may be of help to you to read about the characteristics of co-dependency to at least rule it out nonetheless. My understanding or impression of what this condition was prior to researching it was very naive, an uneducated guess really. Classifying ourselves as "co-dependent" or anything else for that matter is not for the purpose of a label, classification, or to produce more shame, it is so that we can find our way out of this paper bag we've been fighting ourselves in for years. It starts with very simple steps from improving self-esteem, self-control, healthy detachment, etc.

Here is a quick questionaire as well as a link:


Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others? opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a ?bad person? when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying ?no? when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can?t do justice to any of them?


Thanks for letting me share. My email is jessiedyer@gmail.com.

Go to your heart
by: Anonymous

Love yourself! In your moments of this crucial judgement you pass on yourself take a deep breath and close your eyes, Jamie, and go to your heart. Focus on your heart. Feel your love and give more love to who you are inside.

Most of the people that we meet and encounter through our lifetime, who are they really? Aquaintances if that. I myself, I have these phases or episodes and I completely break down. Two days ago in fact I broke down. And I had a realization why as I sit here writing you. It's because I break myself down to where I am on the floor with swollen eyes a sobbing heart taking advantage of all the beauty that is me.

You are beautiful and don't you know this Jamie? You must! Go look at yourself in the mirror. Look into your eyes examine your eyes don't judge who you are or what you look like or how smart - with every negative thought about what you think of yourself stop! and replace it with something positive about yourself. You owe this to yourself and you deserve it.

My name is Chelsie.This is my email. pa2671@aol.com You aren't the only one who has these kinds of thoughts. You're not alone when it comes to being hard on yourself. I do it to. If you ever want to write me and say hi I will say hi back.

Smile! Smile and feel your beauty of who you are. Smile and KNOW this and love your flaws (personally flaws that others have are sorta cute.) because we can't be perfect or know everything. In time with age comes wisdom and before than what do we do? We keep on, keep on growing up. Write me, bye
I have been there, done that.
by: Anonymous

Dear Jamie,
If you but knew it, a lot of other people who seem confident and sure of themselves often put other people down to make themselves look good. Underneath that bravado, there may be an insecure rather frightened person. The attitude is that I have to strike first, before the other person acts to knock me off my pedestal.
They are to be pitied often as they do not come over as nice people.
I was in nursing for many years, I met a lot of very fine and good people but unfortunately there were also a lot of bullies, many of them having been bullied themselves as student nurses. Some of these people engaged in some pretty underhand and nasty tactics towards the people they perceived as their victims.
It will take time to build up your self confidence and you will come across other people who feel as unsure of themselves as you do. It may be a chance remark which may open up communication. If this happens then you can work on it.
Just watch people around you, their expressions, body language and the way they come across when speaking. That can tell you a lot.
Don't try to be anything you are not, Just be yourself and remember that other people have weaknesses and failings too. Work on what you are good at doing. It may be music, it may be gardening, it may be writing short stories. when you have done something to your satisfaction, it will give you a lift.
prepare a bit more concrete
by: Ron C. de Weijze

Sometimes the problem can simply be a matter of mental preparation using new information in addition to what you already know about the people you will have important meetings with. Then it is recommendable to keep notes relating to those discussions to come, and reviewing them shortly before the meeting will take place, possibly relate them or sort them out first. It is just a bit more concrete than how we all normally prepare for these things. I have been doing this for a long time and it works!
Confidence Problems
by: Kay

Hello Jamie,


The first thing I want to do is congratulate you on writing for help. I understand it was not easy for you, so thank you.

You have horrible problems don't you, and I hope you will have a serious think about what it is that lies at the bottom of everything that is causing them.

Can you see that you think of yourself in a very negative way, everything you do is analysed and picked apart by you even though doing this is causing pain. Every time you do something you run yourself down or beat yourself up for not saying or doing things right.

Jamie no one is better than you are, no matter who or what they are. Each of us has different abilities, one may be better at maths, another better and English. Someone may be over confident, another shy, but not one of them is any better than you. I truly mean this Jamie, you are a unique, worthwhile person with much ability, but you don't see this as the truth.

I know it wont be easy to change how you see yourself, but it will help if you try not to focus on yourself in a negative manner. When thoughts are negative, they just grow bigger and bigger and get out of control until you feel as though you can't cope.

Take the focus off yourself by thinking about others. When you speak with someone ask them about themselves, people like talking about themselves, this will get your thoughts away from how you're doing.

Become a listener for a time, until you can speak more freely to people. Most people enjoy being in the company of a listener. Don't panic about not having too much to say, but don't be afraid of answering who is talking to you.

Jamie, if you can, try and say positive things to yourself. Can you see that it is your own thoughts that are causing the problems? Can you start feeding yourself some good, confident information about how confident you are, how special you are, how worthwhile. Having positive thoughts as often as you can will enable you to change.

You can see how the negative thoughts control the way you are, well positive thoughts will do exactly the same with wonderful uplifting effects.

Make the effort to stop analysing everything you say, this in itself is causing you even more problems. What's said is said and what's past is past, so analysing it just doesn't help you at all, and just makes you feel worse.

Counselling could be of great benefit to you. Cousellors are very understanding and will be able to advise and help you to feel better about yourself.

You have taken a great big step towards recovery by writing to Positive Personal Growth, now see if you can do it one more time and ring to make an appointment to chat with a counsellor. You can do it,

Good luck Jamie. Please feel free to contact me any time you want.

Love, Kay

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