I'm never happy.

I know that compared to a large part of the world, I have a good life. I would rather downgrade some things and be happy than live miserably though.

We live with my fiance's mom, and have for the past 3 years. I'm 21. We get along, but I don't like living here. I STILL don't feel like this is my house even though they do everything to make me feel welcome here. It's a much nicer place then my parents have, but it's not home to me. His mom can have a dog, but I'm not allowed to have one, even a small one. I hate that, especially.

We would love to move, but can't right now financially. I am in school partially on scholarship, partially on loans, but I lose the scholarship if I get a job at all-and that pays more then a part time job would.

I hate college. I'm good in it, and right now I only go 12 hours a week, I have an A in almost all of my classes, but I absolutely hate it. On top of that, there's no job in the world that I want. I wont be happy doing any job that I can think of, nothing. I have no real goals in life other then "Get rich so I can afford to do the things I like," Like traveling and eating at expensive restaurants and things like that. Of course, I don't know how I'll get rich if I don't want a job. I know I need one, but I really, really don't want one.

I hate myself, both as a person and looks wise. I would be a "Pretty" girl if my face wasn't COVERED in acne and acne scars. My breasts are small, but more then that, they are more then a cup size difference from one another and don't sit evenly. I hate my eye color, but contacts irritate me to much to get colored contacts. I don't have any hobbies that I like to do-I don't like doing much of anything, really. I hardly hang out with my friends because I don't like to do what they're doing, and I can't come up with anything for us to do.

I love my fiancee, he treats me very well, and hanging around him is one of the few things that makes me... well, sort of happy in a way, but not truly happy with my entire life.

I get jealous incredibly easily of other girls-not other girls around him, other girls in general. Ones that look prettier, or are smarter then me. I'm incredibly self conscious about my looks, and I know looks aren't supposed to matter, but my own looks matter to me. I don't care how anyone else looks, but... how do you love yourself when you look in the mirror and want to rip your own face off? I don't like anything physically about myself except for the fact that I'm thin.

Mentally I only like that I'm smart, but I have no drive and ambition in life. I don't want kids, I don't want to do anything great, I don't really like anything. People say "oh, get a really good job that pays well and you only have to work like 3 or 4 days a week." I don't want that.

I'm not suicidal, but really... I'm kinda thinking life's not worth being this miserable over. I know there are people that have it way, way worse then me, but.. that doesn't stop me from hating my life, and I wish anyone out there that isn't healthy and happy the best.