I have no place in the world

by Katherine
(Toronto, Ontario, Canada)

I'm turning 30 next week.

I've had some good experiences in my life, but with this landmark birthday looming, and no good experiences in two years, I feel like I've missed the boat somewhere along the way.

Currently, I'm $70k in debt, from 11 years of university. The goal was to become a professor, but I ran out of money, and ran out of energy - I hate university, and kind of only stayed because it was easy. I quit halfway through a PhD program.

I know, I know... it doesn't sound bad. But here's the thing: I quit, and this was the right thing to do. But I've now been unemployed for 2 years, and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life.

And my resume sucks. I've had 22 jobs in my life - always fit around my school schedule, and never with any thought given to the need to build a resume. So, while I'm smart and skilled, I am basically unhireable.

And, I'm living in a city where there are two official languages. I only speak one of them. So no one will hire me.

I hate this city. But I'm stuck here. Because I'm in a relationship with a man who I thought I wanted to marry, but now seems to be way more trouble than it would ever be worth. I'm unhappy in the relationship, and it's causing some significant blows to my self-esteem. But I don't know how to get out. I can't afford to move after 2 years of being unemployed. But i know I shouldn't stay.

My family loves me. But they live 2000 km away in a really small town. I could move in with them, which would suck for my self-esteem, need-for-place, but it would basically guarantee that I will never get a job, never pay off my debt, and never meet someone to marry. It would be an end.

To make things slightly worse - I just found out I have breast cancer. It's manageable - no chemo needed, just surgery, but I'm 30 and about to loose a large portion of one of my breasts.

So, while I'm educated, enthusiastic, skilled and loved, I'm also in debt, jobless, in a damaging relationship, with nowhere else to go, and cancer-riddled.

And since I'm in debt, I'm never going to get to own a house or retire. So no love, no stability, never stop working (if I ever get a job).

So I'm losing the point of it all. I'm feeling hopeless. I don't know what to do, what to try and fix first (okay second... since my first surgery is next week), or if there is even a point to fixing it.

I'm not suicidal, but I did have a moment when the doctor told me that the cancer isn't going to kill me.... when I thought in my head, "darn." That's when I knew it was time to go looking for help.

Of course, I can't afford a psychologist or counsellor. And I don't have any friends left (moved a few too many times, and the boyfriend kind off scared of the remaining few).

I need help. I need a plan. I need hope.

Anyone out there?

kat