I have no place in the world

by Katherine
(Toronto, Ontario, Canada)

I'm turning 30 next week.


I've had some good experiences in my life, but with this landmark birthday looming, and no good experiences in two years, I feel like I've missed the boat somewhere along the way.

Currently, I'm $70k in debt, from 11 years of university. The goal was to become a professor, but I ran out of money, and ran out of energy - I hate university, and kind of only stayed because it was easy. I quit halfway through a PhD program.

I know, I know... it doesn't sound bad. But here's the thing: I quit, and this was the right thing to do. But I've now been unemployed for 2 years, and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life.

And my resume sucks. I've had 22 jobs in my life - always fit around my school schedule, and never with any thought given to the need to build a resume. So, while I'm smart and skilled, I am basically unhireable.

And, I'm living in a city where there are two official languages. I only speak one of them. So no one will hire me.

I hate this city. But I'm stuck here. Because I'm in a relationship with a man who I thought I wanted to marry, but now seems to be way more trouble than it would ever be worth. I'm unhappy in the relationship, and it's causing some significant blows to my self-esteem. But I don't know how to get out. I can't afford to move after 2 years of being unemployed. But i know I shouldn't stay.

My family loves me. But they live 2000 km away in a really small town. I could move in with them, which would suck for my self-esteem, need-for-place, but it would basically guarantee that I will never get a job, never pay off my debt, and never meet someone to marry. It would be an end.

To make things slightly worse - I just found out I have breast cancer. It's manageable - no chemo needed, just surgery, but I'm 30 and about to loose a large portion of one of my breasts.

So, while I'm educated, enthusiastic, skilled and loved, I'm also in debt, jobless, in a damaging relationship, with nowhere else to go, and cancer-riddled.

And since I'm in debt, I'm never going to get to own a house or retire. So no love, no stability, never stop working (if I ever get a job).

So I'm losing the point of it all. I'm feeling hopeless. I don't know what to do, what to try and fix first (okay second... since my first surgery is next week), or if there is even a point to fixing it.

I'm not suicidal, but I did have a moment when the doctor told me that the cancer isn't going to kill me.... when I thought in my head, "darn." That's when I knew it was time to go looking for help.

Of course, I can't afford a psychologist or counsellor. And I don't have any friends left (moved a few too many times, and the boyfriend kind off scared of the remaining few).

I need help. I need a plan. I need hope.

Anyone out there?

kat

Comments for I have no place in the world

Click here to add your own comments

The Match
by: Doug

Hi,

Just like everybody else I'm a bit confused by the date. Who cares, right?

Perhaps we're not the only ones, but by reading the original post I feel like you're the only person who 'gets it'.

My story is slightly different..

I never really 'came 1st' when I was younger, but I was always 'in the top 3' if that makes sense?

Even though I came from a 3rd world country, my adaptation in the 1st world countries I lived in were second to none..until it didn't!

Until I had to face the fact that I was mid-30s, never properly migrated, or got married (despite being educated and not the worst looking guy) and that I had basically 'missed the boat' as you said it.

Now I just roam around with no real perspective, doing my best to improve my life to no avail..

Did you find a solution?

Would love to hear your experience.
TRY THIS!!!
by: Anonymous

I don;t know how old this post is - how are you doing now?

Here's something to try:

As long as you can keep an open mind - I promise Jean Haner will show you what you need to do and what you need to focus on to get back on your feet! Check out her website, read her blog, listen to her radio show archives and please get a reading. It'll be the best personal investment you'll have ever made.

I'm NOT marketing on her behalf, I got a reading myself a few years ago and it changed my life! If you're still reluctant to get a reading with her right now, then try reading her books to get understand her work some more - type Jean Haner in Amazon (AGAIN I'M NOT GAINING ANYTHING FROM THIS - I genuinely believe this could help you).

http://www.jeanhaner.com
This too shall pass
by: Anonymous

May be this is the time you meet God
Just count your blessingS
you will find that you have many good things in your life that other don't have and this problem too shall pass, I pray that you find your place and your way in your life :)
no place like home
by: Anonymous

I have no idea how old the original post is, as i dont' see a date.

but I found it by searching "no place in this world" -- and hopefully time has passed and things are improved in some areas for you.

If not, it sounds as though you have a loving family? I hope so. because I also have no place in this world. and no family. no youth, no skills, and no self-worth or esteem.

I believe that all the others would be recoverable if I had a place in the world...and a family is a place.

Good luck.
there's hope.
by: Anonymous One

Recently, I've had some hardship and a temporary disability. The physical health issue is traumatic. Although, I've come through the worst of not being well, I've some healing to go. But, I'll tell you, once you move through it, you'll find a great deal has lifted.

I'm under the impression with all you described, that this may be the aspect that is shading your perspective. It seems, first and most importantly, to focus solely on your health and physical well being, and to have a safe place to go through surgery, and heal. You're lucky to have a loving family. Perhaps to stay with family or see doctor near family and leave boyfriend for duration of immediate health issue. Or if he is supportive stay with him through surgery. Continue seeking support, and find the best doctors to help after surgery as well. Consider your talent, and what you could give this world.
My best wishes for you,
Anonymous One
Hi Katherine, sometimes things can change
by: Anonymous

There are very few people whom at some time have felt really hopeless and who cling to a comfort zone because sometimes they are afraid to move on. For some they are tied up with people who are a bit negative or who keep them back.

It may take a dislodging to make someone realise when they have had to leave a situation that something else will turn up.

Unexpected events do turn up and give occasion for a change in a person's life which will enable them to see that there are ways out.
I have known what it was like to feel stuck but things finally did change for me although it was not easy.
Best of luck
Coping
by: Kay

Thank you for contacting Positive Personal Growth. When things get bad we tend to remain in situations fearing that we have no control and that there's nothing that can be done to help. This is not true. There is always a way out, but sometimes we fear that we will not be able to alter anything.

You have to take back your power, you have let it drift off in a life of things going wrong and not being able to cope. You ask for a plan, and although no one can tell you how to run your life or what is best for you to do, making a plan is certainly a good idea, but it must be your plan, it's your life and only you knows what you want from it.

Take time to sit quietly and think really hard about what you want, what is it you want to achieve. Put behind you everything that's happened before. Concentrate solely on what you want in your future and write this down. Then break these goals down into smaller achievable ones and slowly but surely start working your way through them.

Would it really be the end if you left an unhappy relationship that holds you back and went to family who love you? I know who I would rather be with, if only for a few months until I regained my strength.

Good luck
Love
Kay
x

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Need Personal Growth Advice?.