ABCD*E(American Born Confused Desi Excluded)

by Bindiya

Desi stands for Indian or is a term Indian use. So Indians have a completely strict culture, no dating. In my case it was also no listening to love songs & when I was young my mom told me not to repeat Barney's "I love you". Maybe she was afraid of bad strangers or pedos but I don't think I was going around saying it to everyone, I'm pretty shy.

So as you can imagine when you live like this you don't get to fit in and as a result at 24 I can't name a single close friend I talk to daily or weekly or at all... And I always feel terrible for something. If I try to fit in I feel like I'm acting too bad or my mom would view that. When I do what I'm suppose to I feel like a loser. I constantly feel like I'm insulting someone. I feel like no one would like me(I'm at college getting my degree for Computer Science). Even more fun, I constantly feel outclassed by my older brother who got his CPA certified after an MBA & is looking for a job. This may not be clear but Indian parents prefer their kids stay at home until they're married or mine do. I got a "fun", read miserable summer being told how much of a failure I was compared to my brother. Or my cousins. I feel like an outcast in my extended family too.

These days I feel like I'm an outsider to the world, all of it. I didn't even realize how low my self-esteem was either even though I'm really good at Math, art(tho I'm a beginner drawer), I like creating things(which is why I'm in Computer Programming), I'm teaching myself to play the piano(I played 3 songs), & I have nice hair/eyes(to be humble, lol). Despite having things I'm good at, I can never fit into society, ever

. Another thing is I'm not like anyone at all(I've also been called really quiet & been made fun of by some of my relatives in India for being quiet), I have really hiphop scene tastes, I really like nice guys in the hiphop scene with a hiphop swag. We're compatable plus I'm probably the girl version of them. But I'll never have 1/2 the confidence to talk to them(I want to befriend 1, I think it's the realest friend I can get). A guy like that smiled at me & I can't get my head around how he liked me. Will anyone

Extra background info, I've been heavily cyber-bullied over the last 3 years on this site fanfiction net. It stopped this year when I permanently distanced myself from them all. Except one of them is still in a RP my friends are(there were 15 but only 4 are regular now, not including me anymore) in but I feel he's manipulating them. Like they suck up to him & my friend ignored my RP post to suck up to him. That's why I'm not there anymore either. I got info about bullies from the Bullyonline site & based on that I don't want to interact with the bully at all, but I don't know if I'll never return to RPing. My plan is to return when the admin of the forum/my friend, or another long time RPer returns I've also been betrayed by a lot of friends on that site & I suspect some current ones don't really like me either. (They're younger & we don't meet often, only know each other on that site no personal info)