0% confidence and self esteem

by Ian
(USA)

It's been a long time since I have had any self esteem or self confidence. I remember 6th grade, one of the worst years of my life. I was always put down, always told I was ugly, and worthless, I was usually bullied. Then 7th grade happened, I liked this one girl, and it sparked a whole new level of torture, I wanted to talk to her, a really good friend of mine tried to tell her for me, I thanked him, he tried his best, and I do appreciate that, but then she laughed, her friends overheard and they laughed. It wasn't his fault of course, but I felt like crap. I was depressed for weeks.


Later, after being bullied to the maximum, I tried to commit suicide by overdose. I went to school that day because it didn't work, I kept falling asleep constantly (lots of sleeping pills) my friend was suspicious, he asked what happened, I told him that I tried to kill myself the previous night, he was shocked. After a minute or so, I fell asleep again, during this time he must have told the teacher, because my teacher instantly woke me up and told me to talk to her in the hallway. She then called my mom, and my mom took me to the hospital, where I spent a week in a teen mental institution.

Afterwards, I came back to school, some of my other friends wanted to know where I was, I just came clean and told them I attempted suicide ... After middle school I thought I would be free from bullies and onto a good school life. Currently in high school (10th grade) I must say its almost there, but the previous year, in 9th grade I tried asking out a girl, after talking to her for awhile getting to know her, she rejected me, at least she was nice about it, she didn't talk about me, or tell her friends how ugly I was. I tried again about a month later with a different girl, I was rejected then too, and again with someone else, and again ... and again .... and again. I just don't feel attractive.

I play guitar very well, I am really good at graphic design, and I try my best to be compassionate to people, and caring, but girls just don't like me. When I'm around people I know, girls will come up to all of us and hug them, but not me, even if I know the girl, happens with a lot of girls. I feel like I'm really ugly ...... I'm definitely not shy with people, I perform guitar at school all the time, I get "man that was epic!" a lot, and "dude, you're good!" but a lot of times I still want to kill myself, my parents don't care what I do, if I do good on tests, or if I do my homework. My report card had no B's or A's this quarter, my mom told me, "its your own fault" I mean, I know that, but you don't have to shove it in my face.

My dad, is an alcoholic. he argues a lot, with me and everyone in my family, he is extremely belligerent, and controlling .... but when I do something good, he tell me good things, like, "good job man! I'm proud of you!" at least when he's sober he does. He tells me I'm handsome and I mean a lot to him, but based on my life, there's no way I'm going to believe that ...

Long story short, I'm confused about myself, and I need a girlfriend ...

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Wow....I am quite different now, aren't I?
by: Ian (The New Ian)

Hello everyone. Today, I was notified that I had comments on this by email. It's been over a year, and I forgot I posted this. I'm currently in 11th grade. And all in all, I'm nothing like that anymore. In fact, I love myself now. I love having my friends that like me for who I am. I started producing music over the summer, and guess what else? I found a girlfriend (after my "confidence awakening" as I'll call it.) We've been together for almost 10 months. I have theorized that my medication, which I got off only a couple months after posting on this site, was a huge cause of my depression. I've been on it since 4th grade. I became a happier person. It just seemed to click. One day, I just looked at myself in the mirror, and said "Wow.....I'm actually not that bad." At that instant, and afterwards, I felt great. My family problems got worse, but since I'm happy with myself...it helps a lot. I'm still in school, and I feel....good... I feel good things for myself in the future. I just thought I'd write this, to let everyone know how different I am. Thank you all also, for caring about me, even though I didn't read any of them until now.
new direction
by: Anonymous

The fact that you acknowledge your talents in music and graphic design shows that you do have budding self confidence.

The current public school environment is basically the same one created in the 1950's and is completely out of touch with the real world.

Contact your local Board of Education and find out if your are old enough to take the GED. If so, consider finishing high school early and moving on to a community college where you can take general electives and concentrate on developing your skills in music and design and creating a path to the life you want.

Education is the key to a better life, but so many young people are discouraged the tedious routine of high school that does nothing to encourage individualism. College is very different and will open many doors. Good luck.
time will heal all wounds
by: toni g

I know it doesn't seem like it but time really does put a different perspective on things. I was a lot like you except my family was the one that belittled me and made me feel terrible. I am in my fifties and still remember the stings but I have so many joys in my life now that all of that seems insignificant.

I'm telling you this so you will realize you have a bright future and things won't always be this hard because I can tell you want to try. I was able to put most of the terrible things behind me by replacing them with all the joy and good things I have now. Payer has helped a lot also. I'm a mother and I hate it so much that things are so hard for you at this age.
Always know that you are not alone and that you are loved.
0% confidence and self esteem PART TWO
by: Bel

Contd..

Why don't you for now just concentrate on the positives in your life then like strings to a bow make your next project about getting to know yourself, improving on what you like & working on what you're not so happy with ie your confidence and self esteem. You will find that once you are happier with YOU others with warm to you like a magnet. People especially girls sense it when a person is negative and tend to avoid a negative person ESPECIALLY IF THEY SEEM MISERABLE OR MORE SO, WONT SMILE OR BE HAPPY. even if difficult at first & you don't feel like smiling DO IT ANYWAY, PRACTICE IT IN A MIRROR and I assure you it will be contagious trust me. Practice it in a mirror and say to yourself Every day I will, no matter how hard smile and be happy around others

Don't expect miracles overnight as that won't happen, just like when you first picked up your guitar, think back to how hard & painful it was to hold the strings down to make a clean sound!!

Ok so your dad has problems, but at least he is behind you, and tells you positive things sadly there are many parents out there who continually tell their kids how useless they are or how they will never be able achieve anything which yours don't do & that's great. I speak that from experience & it was my self determination & hard work by telling myself everyday that I can & I will that have allowed me to be successful today because "I DID TELL MYSELF I COULD DO AND BE ANYTHING I WANTED"

So when you are feeling down just remember there is someone out there that is a whole lot worse than you! has nothing not even food or water to put in their bellies and no one else in the world to give praise

No one is every truly better off dead, you're along time being dead and then everyone else around has won and you'll be forgotten, not good!
So Ian hold you head up high and everyday no matter how hard look yourself in the mirror and tell that person you're looking at ie you how great he is. We are all beautiful to someone

Bel x

____________________________________________
What fantastic advice! Thanks so much for posting Bel. Love, Kay x
0% confidence & self esteem PART ONE
by: Bel

Hello Ian

There's a great saying "looks are only skin deep" it's not only a persons looks that make them attractive to another person. Most important is who they are.
There are many very attractive girls & guys out there that UNLIKE you have no talent & no brains, right off you have 2 great things going for you.

I agree with what the others have written, saying you have to like yourself first before others do. So firstly & very importantly you need to concentrate not getting your end goal, that girlfriend, but looking at all your positives. It sounds like you have a great gift for music & are very clever, so work on those two things. Forget asking girls out at the moment as it sounds like you have become preoccupied with it & trying too hard! This may actually have an adverse effect and although you don't think so, I feel that this asking one girl after another may have got you noticed in a negative way making girls feel uncomfortable around you. It's sounds to me like you are trying too hard, & though you may not think so word does get around & girls do talk to each other. During this process of asking out lots of girls there may have actually been one or two girls that may have said yes, but learning that you have been asking out others they will be inclined to say no, I know I would even if I liked the guy. The reason, well how would you like to be number 10 or 20 on the list? Do you see where I'm going with this? When I was younger I was a real ugly duckling then all of a sudden I turned as I'm sure you will into a beautiful swan not only on the outside but more importantly on the inside. It scared the death out of me & when I asked my mum what I should do she said just talk to them like you would your girl friends & really get to know them properly, AND THAT TAKES TIME. you may then find, well actually nice girl but not for me, so just stay as friends. Just like the mates you have, a lot of these girls will end up friends, good friends then through that accomplishment you will end up being one of the guys they come up to for a kiss and hug, because they will feel comfortable around you plus it's a great way to start getting to know about girls "trust me we are a very different breed" lol

Contd.....
confidence and self esteem.
by: Anonymous

My advice to you, work at what you are good at and do not let people put your down. You have a lot of talents and it is a pity to waste them.
Give it time you will find the right girl for you, if the others rejected you they were not right for you. The chemistry and attraction has to be there. You may have to wait some time but you do not have to have second best.
in the meantime get out and mix with other people who have similar interests and plan for your future.
As for your father, just take him as you find him, I feel he has serious problems and is a sick man. He is not capable of coping with life and is drinking rather than facing up to life. You do not need to go down that path and you must have supportive family who can relate to you.
No self esteem
by: Kay

Your big problem is that you don't like yourself, and until you realise that you are a worthwhile and special person, not forgetting a good guitarist and a great graphic designer, things are going to stay as they are.

The wonderful thing is that when you change the attitude you have of yourself you will change your life. Stop looking back on what has gone wrong in your life, look forward to what you want to happen to you in the future. What you focus on becomes your truth.

Life is about choices, and you can choose how you want to be. Realise that your own thoughts make your reality and so when you aren't happy if you make the effort you can change those thoughts to positive information about yourself and in this way change your life. Only you can do this, no one can do it for you. You can read this information and dismiss it, or you can become determined to alter how you are, once again I say to you, the choice is yours. How do you want to be?

Friendship has to be given to be received, and when you feel good about yourself, people will respond to you in a more positive way.

I hope you decide to change those thoughts! I wish you a happy fulfilled life, with girlfriends of course!

Love
Kay
x

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