reincarnation a mistake

My boyfriend almost died from drinking, but when he was drunk, said how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. Now he's sober and I realize whoever that person was is utterly gone and I am just left with his artificial shell "sober guy" personality, and I feel like something did die when he drank. I know he has no intentions of either marrying me or confessing his love to me like he did when he was drunk, and I feel like a damn fool.

I don't know why I stay with him. Not to mention that I am infertile and have no hope of having children. I am 32, unmarried, no children, no love, no sex, and I have no conceivable reason to wake up in the morning. The only thing I look forward to every day is getting high, to drown out his inane "everyday" pathetic attempts at conversation. Sobriety killed my relationship. I almost wish he died because this is like a living death. I get high so I can hear voices and maybe an angel if I'm lucky. I realize now there's another reality worth living for through sleep and intoxication, it is a gateway to another dimension far better than this one, so all I can do is walk around when I'm awake, work, eat to maintain this broken, infertile body, and pray that evening hour comes when I can stop working and get high.