my life..

by RBlilone
(new jersey)

Well ever since I was little my father has been in and out of jail. When he was home he was on drugs and he always wanted a son and I'm the middle child so he basically raised me as a boy.

He always used to tell me that I was ugly and fat and stupid, not worth life. When I was around 12, after I got my period I started wearing guy clothes and baggy things and I was anorexic at one point. Then I had my first boyfriend, then after almost 2 years I broke up with him because he wasn't giving me the attention I thought I deserved.

Not too long after I started going out with my current ex.. he abused me, raped me and was so over-barring I felt even worse about myself. But now I'm 20 and I've been with my current boyfriend for a year and 3 months and he changed me so much and I love him and we are even talking about marriage. But then it always comes to the fact that I have no self esteem at all. I moved in with him and now I have no friends where I am now all I have is him and that's okay, he is my best friend!! He also has a lot of chick friends and I HATE being jealous but lately I can't handle it and I don't know what to do.

I've always been quiet and never really have anything to say. And ever since my ex I've been scared to tell him how I feel he always kinda flips on me and so I just brush EVERYTHING off my shoulder. Anyway I feel as if every girl is way more pretty, smarter and way more worth his time and I don't know how to feel anymore. Every year around the holidays I get majorly depressed, cry for no reason and all that 'good stuff'. And he won't listen to me, nor my mom and I don't talk to my father even though him and my mom are still together and live in the same house. I barely visit because of him. So I really have nobody to just talk to or listen.