Low Self-Esteem and Low Confidence
I am 19 years old and have suffered from low self-esteem and low confidence for a long time. I haven't made any real friends in college yet, though I'm a sophomore. I find it hard to talk with people I don't know all that well and in crowds I almost start to panic and I can hardly say anything, and I'm always blushing and really nervous. I cannot take any compliments either. If anyone says anything nice to me, I automatically discard it, even if I try to take it. It's hard to describe. I want to believe them but somehow I always end up thinking it's not true.
I do have a boyfriend, though (my first one), since last November, and only because he kept on talking to me and I didn't have to start anything. It seems to be the only way I can make friends.
Lately, I have become fed up with my low self esteem. I'm a musician, but I can't even improvise in front of my boyfriend. I really want to jam with him, but for some reason I start to panic and I can't do anything, I just cover my face. Something always stops me.
This problem gets so bad that even if we're just deciding what to do for a day or whatever, just anything, I get so stressed and cover my face and turn away, babbling that because I can't think of anything to do that I'm boring and I start to panic. And once I'm in that mindset, it's really hard to get myself out. I keep babbling and my mind goes blank and half the time I don't know what I'm doing or saying.
I know that my boyfriend doesn't like to see me like this and it makes him upset. And I would like help on this for my own sake, too.
It's hard to see any good in myself. Everything I do, it's like I know it doesn't matter to anyone or anything. It's just not good enough. This problem is really starting to bother me .