Lazy, Ashamed, Low Self Esteem and the feeling of Uselessness.

by DanielL
(Tennessee)

Hello, My name is Daniel, and I'm 19 yrs old. As you can see my problems, I have many of them. This is going to be long I apologize.


I just finished a cancellation of an appointment for my road test...because of a shortage of money..being broke. And I feel this is an outcome of my incompetence. I come from a family who values hard-work and pride over anything. My dad came over from El Salvador into the United States illegally around the 70s-80s and had worked HARD to get us into a good house to gain his citizenship. He is hard to please with things I do. And most of my ideas he does not find acceptable in his perspective. He is probably the only one who can make me feel good about myself (if that makes any sense so far)in which I hate disappointing him. I kinda of understand since he had grueling time when he came to the US and overcame many obstacles as an illegal.

Anyways he came to see my high school graduation,and to motivate me into my next step of my future. He gave me a car and helped me get my permit.(again). He was leaving back to El Salvador to take care of his farmland there. I got this job from my aunt's friend. Which my dad was really happy for me ,which got me happy. About 2-3 weeks ago I left the job, and my reason was since they didn't allow me to use my prescribed glasses, or more like the job didn't allow me.(The job was cleaning meat drills for a meat company.) I had to use extremely hot pressurized water to clean the meat off the drill making my working area steamy/fogged in which made my glasses fogged and not able to use them. They told me just to leave it off, and I explained that I could not see anything whenever someone is signaling me to do/warn something. Their response was "....." and back to their job. I started to get sick from the constant change from refrigerated/chilled cold, to steamed and sweaty in a raincoat then back to the cold. (I started to contract a rash which I thought was fungus from my boots in work.) I was fed up and left the job...but my incompetence I suppose starts here.

I had no job to fall back on or had a job ready for me when I did that. So when I decided to have the guts to tell my dad that I left the job over the phone, he was quiet and I felt really anxious until he finally said, "Why Daniel, why did you leave that job?" I told him my reason, in then his response was "Daniel that is NOT good reason, that job is easy. I could've done that with my hand behind my back." as soon as he was finished with that sentence he said..."Daniel... I am ashamed..." *click* the phone hung up. I realized that my phone card minutes were up. He left me with the worst response I felt in my entire life with him. With that I thought about what he said the entire day, thought about it at night which I feel pathetic saying I cried myself to sleep. I was angry. I felt like I let my dad down, my sister, and my mother who was also excited for me to work.(I was going to help her with the rent.) I was sad because of the same reason I was angry. I felt pathetic because this could've been prevented if I just stuck and dealt with my job and also because I felt like I was being a little baby about the heat/cold. I'm about to start college as a chef, and I am just freaking out because I still don't have a job, and when I say I'm going to look for one, I procrastinate and just end up staying home being lazy, playing video games. My uselessness sets in as well when I'm not doing anything productive. My love life is well, no where to be seen. Because of my fear of my image, I feel fat, which I think I can't get anyone to be attracted to me. I REALLY WANT TO GET IN SHAPE. Like its a goal, but ...here i go again with laziness/procrastinating on how much work its going to be... I hate myself for not being what I want to be...I want to be strong, confident, willing, respecting my self-image... but so many thing are going so wrong and so fast. I don't know what to do. I feel so useless the most... no reason to feel happy in the morning... no reason to look forward into the day. I don't open much to anyone other than my sister. And I know she is trying her all to help me get through this but.... it's just not working.

I appreciate greatly and would love any advice on how I can fix these problems. Thank you for reading my problem and I hope I didn't bore you that much..

Comments for Lazy, Ashamed, Low Self Esteem and the feeling of Uselessness.

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Moreover..
by: Anonymous

You are not the "Lazy Incompetent Failing Nothingness", or however you call yourself in the hour of pain. There is this part inside you that calls itself bad names for seemingly "legitimate" reasons, but that part is not You. Notice: You are actually looking at all those thoughts and sufferings from aside, You are a Spectator of your thoughts and feelings, but You got so immersed into this "game" that you now associate yourself with this "meatbag", a "Daniel", an "identity" that merely is a fiction, just like a character in a computer game. You are not the character, you are not the thoughts that appear in your head. Notice what the part that "hears" the thoughts feels like - it is silent, it is a point of awareness beyond the earthly and.. beyond the mortal, too.

Who is it that "reads" these squiggles on a sceen right now? Who is hearing the squiggles "read aloud" in the head?

This part, You, is even capable of temporarily flying outside the limits of this "meatbag" body/mind of yours and if you ever experience this ("OBE") it will transform the way you see this whole "life" thing. Realise, that you are not the "failing Daniel" and even not the "body" when you talk, walk, act, make decisions. You are much.. More.. than all this. You are able to influence the thoughts and decisions that this "character", mind, of yours makes, and your level of Control will grow the more often you remember who You really are. Your life belongs to nobody but you, and even if the whole world laughs at you and calls you names, even if your own thoughts play along with them and also call you names, it is a delusion, a game, a play, that can only hurt you if you forget that You are not the actor, but a Spectator of the act, who has the power to quietly, gently, lovingly, whisper in the ear of your character the words that he needs to hear: "I Love you, Daniel, We are Perfect, your pain, and your perception of limitations, is all an illusion." Forget the past, forget the future, and see what you can do Now that will make You feel good. You would be surprised. Perhaps you actually feel like doing pushups until hands hurt, or looking for work, or finishing something you've started, but being too busy playing a game (whether it is a computer game or a game of thinking how bad things are) stops you from realizing that This is what you actually want to do. Think, how often are you continuing playing a game even though it doesn't even feel pleasant anymore? How often you continue doing it automatically, playing, thinking? Reading, when right Now you actually really want to do those pushups? ;) This text will wait, go do what you itch to do. Keep asking yourself "what is my mind/body doing right Now?" and "What is it that I Really want to be doing right Now?" - keep asking yourself this whenever you remember to, and you will be surprised by what you will find. And don't be angry at yourself, the anger is also automatic and is not what You want to be doing right Now.
Ah..
by: Anonymous

You must face the facts, that are.. unusual. We believe our parents have our best interests at heart, yet it is just not so. They are simply humans, too, and are selfish and have egoes like we all do. Think about this: what if your father, who has suffered a lot during his days as an illegal just to survive, wants you to suffer just as much, if not more? What if he blames you or your mother for some (or all) of his suffering, and unawarely actually wants you to suffer? There are many ways in which parents "pass on" their pains and problems to their children, even though the children live in new circumstances and are different people.

You have to accept that you will Never gain your father's approval, ever, and that you don't need his approval. You don't need anybody's approval, actually. Moreover, the more successful you become, the more hatred and jealousy you might encounter, so you cannot base your self-image on people around you, especially not your parents, because they don't see you as an individual, they see you as their "property"/"continuation", which you are not.
Low self esteem
by: Kay

Everything you are is because you think you are! Your situation is totally because of the thoughts you have about yourself. You could this moment if you chose to say "I am not this way" and you could at this moment totally change your thoughts and become the way you want to be. It's that easy, or maybe not, because you have to believe it is, and negative thinking has to be overcome and replaced by positive thoughts. But it is true that with the right thoughts you can change. Are you prepared to make the effort? Only you can do this. The change has to come from within. You know the way you want to be Daniel, but unless you attempt to make this inner change nothing is going to happen and your life will continue in the same way.

Make your father proud Daniel, prove to him that you are a son to be proud of. He loves you, he will always love you, even though he said those words to you it did not mean you are not loved.
Start work on the inner you by changing your attitude, by doing things and not giving in when they don't go right, this is when you prove your worth, when you fail and don't give up, but try again with more determination.

Change those thoughts Daniel and when you do you will change your life.

Good luck.

Love
Kay
x
feeling of uselessness
by: Anonymous

You are not the only person with this problem, if you looked around you would find hundreds of people feeling the same way.
Take a look at this, everyone is individual, everyone has talents that they are not always aware of, and can use. Look at your family, they came to a strange country and have done their best to cope there. If they did that, you can do this too,.
Take one day at a time, find someone positive to talk to and to encourage you.
You are a special person as we all are and one day you will find your brightest star. There will be someone whom you will love and who will love you.
Do one thing at a time each day and look out for breaks, I am sure they are around the corner for you.

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