Lack of trust in you and me and everyone we know causing self esteem issues

by Billy
(Vancouver, Canada)

I can't trust myself. I can't even trust myself when it comes to deciding if I like bananas or if I don't. So I keep buying bunches of bananas that I never finish.

I grew up in a home that required you to be very self sufficient. I am a big advocate on eventually letting go of the blame that you place on your parents for having you turn out the way you are. That eventually you need to point that finger at yourself. But lately as I get deeper and deeper into my 20's I cant help but notice how my parents helped create the mess that I have become.

My mother in and out of abusive marriages suffered from self esteem issues, an eating disorder, and manic depression, as well as a drug addiction. She passed these habits down to me at a young age, unable to cope with emotions I used her tactics, starving myself for weeks, explosive temper tantrums, and leading myself willingly into toxic relationships. My self esteem is at an all time low, and as a result of this my every day relationships and interactions SUCK. Never having an example of a healthy or happy relationship I have suffered immensely in being prepared to handle "relationship situations".

There is no other way to put it. I can't trust my intuition with any decisions that I make. Currently in a relationship where infidelity was a problem we are working towards fixing it. Or should I say I am working towards fixing it. However, I'm stuck. I spend week days in a euphoric high where I believe everything is immaculate, that this can work and that we will finally get that chance of accomplishing a functioning and healthy relationship. But come the weekends where partying becomes a strong issue for my boyfriend, and it results in him spending time away from me. I get insecure and lost. Throwing temper tantrums and having rage black outs that result in damage to my home, or occasionally myself. I lack the ability to communicate in a level headed manner.

He doesn't understand though. He has never been cheated on, and me being his only and first relationship that lasted longer than a night, he doesn't quite understand the damage that he did when he made the decision to be with other women. To him he is so secure in this relationship and believes in himself and knows when he goes out that he will not cheat. He constantly has to reassure me, and he does. However, the things he says were the same things that he said during the times he was cheating on me. So they have lost the meaning and the safety that they once held, before "don't worry" was able to help me captivate the thoughts, where as now it sends me up the wall because it reminds me how he told me "don't worry, I love you" before he went out to sleep with someone else. the words and reassurance has lost the power they once held.

It's affecting all aspects of my life, I quit my job, and have dropped out of my friend groups because I'm so afraid of not having time to devote to him and keep him from cheating again. I'm so insecure where an eating disorder I conquered has come back rearing it's ugly head. Sober for a year, it is getting harder and harder to say no to the bottle. I'm just so angry at him every time he goes out because he has this confidence that I have given to him by loving him unconditionally and faithfully, and though he loves me, he hasn't given me that confidence and that security that a human being needs and requires in order to trust someone in a relationship. I get so upset that he is having fun, and that I cant even remember what is like to have fun without the painstaking heavy burden of his cheating.


He is a simple man, words aren't exactly his forte nor does he excel at being able to express his emotions in ways that I need him to. I know a lot of my insecurities and trust issues have to do with my past, and with former lovers. But I am sick and tired of blaming current lovers for past lovers mistakes. and though he has made his own. I need to know how to start to move past it, and how to explain to him how damaged I am due to his actions in ways he can understand.

What can I do to start the healing process