Jealous when my boyfriend goes out without me

by Elena
(Spain)

When my boyfriend goes out I get jealous that he is having a better time without me, that somehow I am not good enough and maybe he will realise and then not want to be with me anymore.

I usually feel okay but when he goes out the bad thoughts come and I cannot understand why my friends like me, why my boyfriend wants to be with me, that I have nothing to offer.


I guess some of this stems from my childhood where my father was a violent alcoholic and my grandmother´s boyfriend used to touch me inappropriately during our visits from the age of three to seven.

Even though I know in my head I shouldn´t get upset my heart does something else. My boyfriend doesn´t stop telling me nice things and telling me how pretty I am. We live together and get on well but I find it difficult when he goes out. Then I beat myself up about being jealous because I don´t want to be.

It´s like a vicious circle, I get upset about him going out, then I beat myself up about my behaviour and my thoughts. On top of that he doesn´t understand, he tries to defend his actions when I don´t want him to, I want him to understand my feelings! It can´t be much fun to listen to me say all these things about how I´m not worth anything and that I think he´s going to realise I´m no good etc.


I wish it would just go away!

Comments for Jealous when my boyfriend goes out without me

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Same here
by: Anonymous

My boyfriend goes to parties on his own if I can't go and I'm jealous because I feel like he doesn't care about me and what I'm doing. Then I will think that he is going to have more fun with them than he would with me and even though I trust him, there'll be other girls there etc. He doesn't understand that he shouldn't really go without me as we're together and so I'm just going to have to learn to live with it I guess.

thanks for sharing
by: Anonymous

Thanks for writing it is nice to know that i am not alone i feel exactly this way and suffered childhood trauma. It is hard once the voices start making you beleive things that aren't true...

Thoughts and feelings
by: Kay

Thank you for contacting Positive Personal Growth. If you can stop the negative thoughts you are having everything will go away! Of course it's not that easy is it, because you know that you cause your own problems and yet still find it hard to stop them.

You may well be right about the reason for feeling how you do, and I am wondering whether you have ever had counselling for the problems you suffered in your childhood? If not counselling could go a long way to helping you cope with how you feel toward yourself.

You have to love yourself. You are as good as everyone else on this planet! No one is better than you. You are a worthwhile, unique individual. The problem is that you don't believe you are. Your main thoughts appear to put you down all the time, and it is these thoughts that cause all your problems, not your heart, which is loving, but the thoughts that you have, that you think about, react to, and become unhappy with. This is the cause of your lack of esteem.

This wont be easy, but can you concentrate on thinking loving thoughts about yourself? Let yourself know how special you are, how much you are loved, bring these loving thoughts about yourself deep inside so that you well up with the joy of it all. Your self talk is so important, and when it is positive and loving towards yourself you will in time change how you feel.

I would also like to suggest that when your boyfriend goes out why not invite your friends round for the evening, or go out yourself? When he goes out I don't see why you cant make yourself feel good by going out with your friends.

You have to trust your boyfriend and when you don't think much of yourself this isn't easy and so I urge you to change your thoughts to how special you are, because you are. He thinks you are and doesn't understand how you don't think you are. Change those thoughts you have and you will change your life.

I wish you luck, please be determined to become the lovely young woman that people see you as.

Love,
Kay
x

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