Jealous when my boyfriend goes out without me
When my boyfriend goes out I get jealous that he is having a better time without me, that somehow I am not good enough and maybe he will realise and then not want to be with me anymore.
I usually feel okay but when he goes out the bad thoughts come and I cannot understand why my friends like me, why my boyfriend wants to be with me, that I have nothing to offer.
I guess some of this stems from my childhood where my father was a violent alcoholic and my grandmother´s boyfriend used to touch me inappropriately during our visits from the age of three to seven.
Even though I know in my head I shouldn´t get upset my heart does something else. My boyfriend doesn´t stop telling me nice things and telling me how pretty I am. We live together and get on well but I find it difficult when he goes out. Then I beat myself up about being jealous because I don´t want to be.
It´s like a vicious circle, I get upset about him going out, then I beat myself up about my behaviour and my thoughts. On top of that he doesn´t understand, he tries to defend his actions when I don´t want him to, I want him to understand my feelings! It can´t be much fun to listen to me say all these things about how I´m not worth anything and that I think he´s going to realise I´m no good etc.
I wish it would just go away!